Quick history, been together with my husband for 20 years. We married in our early 20's after the birth of our 1st child. We had our 2nd child 6 years later. In 2004, we decided to move our family to a different state in the hopes of a better life. Little did I know that he already started an affair with a lady who lives in a different state (his work has him traveling a couple times a year)Exactly one month after we transplanted our family he went out of town, again. That is how i stumbled into discovering this affair. He made the mistake of not calling me when he arrived nor did he leave any flight info. The next afternoon, still hadn't heard from him, im fligging out & no luck getting through on his cell phone. That was the very time I tried to access his voicemail. I suceeded & heard her message to him that she loved him & cant wait to spend the weekend together. I died instantly inside. I struggled for years to build up my trust for him. It was so very hard, it made me a crazy lady.
Well 6 years later, I'm so happy in my life. So very ,much in love, confident in our marriage. I sex life was great, I gave & took what his needs wanted. This last Friday night, I was went out with my girls to watch a movie. Came home at 11pm & heard his phone vibrating. He quickly reached for it & instantly deleted the message. He claimed that it was is coworker (who lives in a different state that has a 2 hour advance that us. I did not believe him & needed to check his phone. Nothing out of the ordinary is his text & phone log. My red flags were flying all over my eyes & I persued to log into our online phone bill & SLAP! Once again there was numerous texts from out of state to the same number. He continued to lie & say it was his coworker. I sent a text the number asking to "call me, I need to hear you." Well sure enough she called & i told her that whatever was going on just ended, leave hime alone. He said there was nothing going on, just texting. The more I picked through the bill, the more I kept calling him out on his lies.
In my eyes, heart, body & soul, I feel like even if it was just texting, it was still cheating by keeping it such a secret & deleting all that was said between them. We had an agreement that no opposite sex friendships will exsist, due to his past with not being able to control his emotions whenever a female would talk to him. Those frienships could exsist as long as the other knew.
Am I jumping the gun by making him do a polygraph? He is starting therapy tomorrow. I told him I can't work on us till he works on him. I have already made an appointment to see a lawer. I have no idea what I want. I know I cant make such a decession when I hate him so but still love him. He wants to make us work. I can't handle dealing with this pain. Why couldn't he want just me? Am I that awful, even though I took care of his wants & desires & then some? I know & feel that I don't deserve this. One of my great friends told me that she cannot support me if I stay. She can't watch me go through all the heartache & emotional pain.
All though it hurts to write all this, it feels a tiny bit of relief that maybe just one person will read this & offer some help.
infidelity is the hardest thing to deal with, because its all about trust and you lose that. i understand your friends because they don’t want to see you hurt and they want you to be treated the right way. I think the best thing you can do right is take is slow and not rush into any decisions either way. You can talk to a lawyer just to get your options and learn about that. But also maybe go to therapy with her husband sometimes to try and talk/work through the marriage. See how that goes and see how you feel. You will know with some time what the best thing to do is.
Crushed, my heart goes out to you, as Victoria stated trust issues will be the biggest obstacle. Polygraph test is over the top in my opinion & might only create further issues later on in the relationship w/resentment & bordering "parenting your spouse" which will only run them off at a point. You truly dont want to be looking over your shoulder all the time & would be wise to let him take responsibility for his behavior & let a marriage counselor/therapist if affordable, lead both of you through & get to the bottom of whats really going on to then be capable of obtaining advice/skills to practise for both of your needs/expectations in the relationship, there may be a point in time when one on one counseling may be better too.
Take care of you.
April
crushedsyl - just checking in to see how you are doing. please let us know how you are and come here if you ever need anything. April has some great points that can be of good advice. stay strong.
Hy syl{don't be crushed, please!!} As always I have two different opinions. One of them is the ugly truth and common sense -the first betrayal has to be the last. Your trust is shattered and nothing can be the same anymore. If there appears suspicion anew you wouldn't be able to believe like before. What I mean is you forgave him that time but you never forgot. He is to blame for all this and I like the idea of polygraph. You'd better ask your best friend as well, if she thinks you have to check him, so be it. She knows you and your husband more than me or anybody else here. He broke your agreement not to have secret friendships, so even the polygraph test is pure courtesy of your part. That's the first opinion but nearly nobody has the guts to do the right thing. So, there is the second path -waiting, hoping, working the problems out, dragging for more years dead end relationships and suffering, but it's too much pain to let go somebody you love. Let us know how you're doing and have peace of mind. M.K.
Want to add I have met a handful of men in my life that CAN truly regain trust back w/their spouse, IT CAN BE accomplished, it was over a period of years though & them being willing to do the work necessary to stay together. I personally am not married to such a person but again DO know a handful, everyone is different & noone really knows what works for another & how the outcome can be.....just a thought.
Take care friend.
April