Self destruct

i think im slowly destroying my life as iv known it bit by bit, slowly and painfully...
i just bailed on another friends hens night, and i cant go to her wedding cus ill be out of the country. HOW SELFISH! but i dont think i can face seeing people...
and iv just bailed on a church group again, and for another few weeks..
im a loser.
i dont know whats happening to me.
i was social, never at home, quite bubbly etc BEFORE recovery. now 6 weeks into it im never going out anywhere, seeing my usual friends (who are awesome people) scares me... im always tired too. seems like depression, but i cant understand why... im doing well with recovery.. :(

Some of the time I feel that way too Like I want to bee totally alone but really I need to be around people to help myself. isolation is usually the hardest thing for me. i isolate then i binge or start to drink. its hard just to say that but it is my truth. i've been going to therapy and group for such a long time (well maybe since june) i've gained 10 lbs and i'm not exercising anymore but many times i don't feel as out of control
maybe you just need to time and to allow yourself to figure out who your true self. maybe you aren't as bubbly because you're figuring yourself out? maybe you need to rest? i feel tired lots more but its because i'm allowing myself to feel
maybe the same is true for you? feel better

maybe you’re right… i dont know me at all…
so good you’re feeling a bit more in control. i notice as soon as i start b/p or restricting i feel out of control compared to when im following a meal plan mostly guilt free. ah these things are SO complicated!

ifihadwingz,

it really is difficult when you are recovering because you are shedding the old you, the one so caught up in your ed. I do understand how you are feeling. Sometimes I think that now that I've told everyone, I have to hide because I dont want them judging me, then I realize that that is my ed talking and that I am loved and supported and that it's ok to tell people because those that truly love and support you won't judge you, they will try to help you through your tough times. From my own experience, isolating yourself makes it so much harder to deal with your issues and to recover. Its so great that you are reaching out on here but please try to reach out to someone around you. You might feel so much better if you do. Take care and don't give up, keep trying! Nicole

yeah i tried to be not so isolated today, went to church in the morning and shopping with friends, and it went downhil wen i arrived at church wearing shorts (i NEVER wear shorts because i hate my legs, but i felt ok about myself today), and a guy came up to me “why are YOU wearing short shorts?” and hence the confidence flying out the window! i felt so uncomfortable after that and left, but saw my doc cus i knew i would be a harm to myself. she was helpful apart from weighing me.
people here love me, just my brain takes everyhting to heart then i cant handle it…
sorry for the rant

ifihadwingz... I agree with nicole. Those who truely love you for you will not judge you, they will only want to help you to be safe and better. Do you have people in your life that are a good support to you? Someone to give you a hug? I love hugs from my best friends, makes me feel safe and loved, even if they don't say anything!! Keep strong. You can do this xx

i have one person who truly loves me outside my family. she is the best ever but shes moving in 3 months to germany. she saved my life last year…

ifihadwingz,

I can soooo relate to this right now!! I called poor Jan in freak-out mode last night... I had dressed up and driven myself across town to meet a friend and a small group of people for an evening at a comedy club. I sat in my car in tears, too scared to go in!! LOL! I nearly turned around and drove back home... Thanks to Jan, and a chat with this friend, I pushed through... I didn't particularly enjoy the evening, but it was okay. And okay is better than the desolation I would have felt had I run home... :P

Depression... I've always felt various amounts of depression, it seems. And like you, mine became MUCH worse as I worked my recovery! I think, for me, it was because I was finally facing a lot of the things that my eating disorder was working to mask. And I didn't have my ED to help me cope... I didn't have ANYTHING to help me cope... Or so I thought... :) I started antidepressants, and they have been LIFE CHANGING! :) My depression has been pretty much nonexistant for a while, although I've had quite a bit of it the last few days...

Like you, I am also afraid of seeing friends I haven't seen in a while... My body has changed. *I* judge it harshly, and it represents a lot of failure to me... I'm easing myself away from that particular feeling, but it revisits me from time to time... I guess I fear that others will judge me as harshly as I judge myself... And that, to me, would be unbearable... It's very important to me for others to like me. I wish it wasn't SOOOO important... I should have the ability to stand and love myself regardless of others' opinions. But... I'm not there yet... And there are some people that I have admired for so long, that their opinions are especially important to me. I need their approval, I feel, to confirm that I AM doing well... Not getting that is devastating. Depressing.

It's hard to face our fears... It's hard to have our fears realized... It's hard to learn to think differently than we have thought our entire lives... And for that to become natural and easy.

We NEED friends... I know we often push them away in fear and depression and anxiety... But we DO need them. And needing them makes us HUMAN. Not needy.

I need to plaster that statement across my forehead! ;0)

Love,

Jen

if....I know it's hard to push yourself in these situations, but as Jen has shared, going through with plans almost always is better than bailing...then you have the added guilt to your feelings. Don't be too hard on yourself...and remember also..just as Jen wrote.."We NEED friends... I know we often push them away in fear and depression and anxiety... But we DO need them. And needing them makes us HUMAN. Not needy." Very true!

Jen...not "poor Jan"..I always love when you call me, but I feel bad when I can't actually help! I guess listening helps sometimes, but it doesn't always seem like it. I 'get' that you want and need others to affirm you, we all do. As you continue to challenge yourself and take risks, you will reap the rewards! Love to you...Jan ♥

Ifihdwingz,

I'm sorry that you had a hard time today. That is awesome that you went ot see your Dr knowing that you might be of harm to yourself. Good for you reaching out and going somewhere where you would not feel isolated. That is huge!

Jen,

That is so great that you stopped yourself from leaving and called a support friend! You should be so proud of yourself for challenging yourself by going somewhere that might cause discomfort.

Keep up the good work girls! Nicole

You are NOT a loser!

I know it's a hard road, but as you yourself said, you're doing great in your recovery, so try to be proud of that.

It may very well be that you're experience some extra depression; not sure why that would be, but make sure you discuss that possibility with your doctors.

Also, remember that we go through phases. Sometimes we're just not ourselves for a little while. Sometimes we get in a funk. Sometimes we just don't feel like hanging out with people. Don't put too much pressure on yourself; wait it out, and see what happens.

It sounds like you're going through a really rough time right now, but hang in there! You can do this! We all care about you, and I have every confidence that things will be heading in a better direction before too long.

Love ya. :-)

Vero

P.S. Check out Psalm 116.