I am in the process of divorce. My husband lives in avoidance mode, and I couldn't put up with the anxiety of his shutting down and turning away from me. He is now screwing a stranger as he numbs himself of any/all problems, including his loss of wife and family. Every Sunday since he resurfaced, he has made sexual advances toward me. I love him, but know that without counseling, we will never be okay. Yesterday he told me he loved and what we really needed was a 'date' to feel close. That would be uncommited sex. I told him I knew he was uncommited, and furthermore, not done with is girlfriend. He pretended he didn't hear me. I confronted him again. I KNOW YOU ARE NOT DONE WITH THIS OTHER WOMAN. He looked like a deer in the headlights. He can't lie to me to save his life. I repeated it in a text to my sister: "D said he needs a date so we can feel closer. I told him I know he isn't done with Lisa and he looked like a deer in the headlights."
The kicker is that for some reason, I accidently sent it to my husband instead of my sister. I didn't realize it until tonight. Oops. I am afraid of repercussions, not really sure why. I have to be more careful. I do not want to stir the pot, create drama, intentionally embarrass my soon to be ex. I feel bad that this happened. I already called him and told him I accidently sent him a text meant for my sister, and that I didn't want to hurt him, but I was simply unloading on her, but accidently sent it to him. Now I also feel like a big fat loser for apologizing, seeing as he is the one screwing a stranger and begging me, his wife, for sex.
You are doing yourself alot of good by sticking to your guns. This guy does not GET IT. They play with your head and think your not smart enough to see it. Soft speaking from experience i know how hard it is because our hearts want to be loved. I believe you are smart enough to see that he is messed up. i know it hurts because its soo hard to get them to see reality.
Things can only change if he can see it.
As far as sending the text OOPS Im sure your heart just skipped a beat when you realized it but whats done is done.
Sometimes the truth hurts and that is what he needs to see. These men can't just toss our feelings around.your feelings are very real and for good reason they are what they are.
You owe him no apologies!
You will get through it just remember your feelings are yours!
I had to laugh! I am sorry! It sounds EXACTLY like something I would do!!!
Don't feel bad at all! PLEASE! You said it yourself - HE is the one on the wrong for cheating on you. He is the one messing up and if you need support from your family/friends to help you get through it, YOU DO IT! So what if he got the text! You didn't lie it in! He cannot deny it because it is the truth! PLEASE do not feel bad! Do not apologize, either!
If he feels bad or hurt, well, maybe it is his due for doing what he has been doing! It might be a turn-around point for him (or not)....
Laugh it off and move on, don't sweat the small thing, right? :-)
Anonymous Girl: Thanks for your words of encouragement. I do feel like a loser for calling him to apologize, because honestly there isn't anything in the text that isn't true. If I thought that text would make him 'get it' I'd feel happier, but I assure you, he doesn't get it. He needs to see the text, but then again, he has a remarkable way of shutting out things and feelings he doesn't want to see or feel, so I guarantee he didn't see the irony of asking me for a date when he is f***ing a stranger. To be with me requires feeling everything. He is only capable of feeling good things. Bad **** shuts him down. He is trying to have sex with me and is still seeing a girlfriend, AND we are divorcing. I do still love him, God help me.
Getting Thru It: Good, at least someone laughed, because my heart dropped into my stomache when I realized what I had done. Too late, I already apologized, I kind of wish I hadn't, but it's not in my character. You are right, nothing said was untrue or mean. I was honestly venting to my sister, who is my rock right now. I finally forwarded the text to her a moment ago, and she knows I accidently sent it to him last night. Her response? Well, it's a little reality and not too mean-spirited or too personal.
I am a kindergarten teacher (nurturing others all the time), about to start my 25th year. I am 47 years old. I tend to take other people's feelings deep into my heart, which is something that can be a curse at times, especially right now. I do not often put my feelings before his or anyone else's but I am trying to change that, God knows.
Soft, I too got a big kick outta this post & as mentioned the truth hurts & he'll have it in the back of his mind forsure I'm just sorry it hurt you in doing so & keep in mind you didnt premeditate it so it was forthright of you in admitting the oops w/hopefully a little giggle later on :)
It still amazes me when one thinks black N white & a date is gonna wipe the slate clean sorta even if its pretty typical & very self absorbed.
April: Yes wiping the slate clean and forgetting it ever happened is all my husband is offering. I did not accept the offer. His cheating was precipitated by his abandoning us and then my filing for divorce. The issues are still there, and I am heartbroken, but see no evidence of a reason to stop the divorce.
Exactly & again I often find it very offensive to anyones sensitivities, It really made me look at people differently over the years & I feared ever meeting this type of person again in my life especially if I was that naive. Mine would get drunk, slap me on the *** & say get naked.....I said "NO" then he'd slam a door shut & I could care less, how dare somebody treat another human that way just proves how sick mine really is & never was committed to anyone let alone me, felt foolish but I learned to love/respect myself more over time.
I'm not totally there with the self-love and respect. It is a process and I have a feeling this journey will help me with it, even though I'd rather not be on this journey.
oh boy, you should see some of the trouble I , my husband, and my mother-in law have gotten into because of technology... all you can do it give a simple explanation, apologize and move on,,, it's done... what else can you do? you are doing good sticking to your principles... it is difficult I know, be proud of yourself!
Jessica: Thanks for the kind words. Since I accidently sent the stupid text, I have now changed my contact list to move my husband's name far away from my sister's name. Hopefully, I won't make the same mistake twice.
I don't see that what you said was anything wrong. You were speaking what you felt unlike what some men do. I also believe your ex along with mine don't think with their brain but another part of their antomy. You also are worried about what he is feeling like. Has he worried about how you are feeling? Most women I know are nuturers we worry about everyone but ourselves and our husbands worry about only themselves and their needs. It's always about them. God created you and he loves you very much. Start to love yourself just a little and know that you deserve better than what he gave or is willing to give you.