Sharing Food

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

I need some support with something that I feel will sound really stupid but I'm going to put it out there anyway.

My husband wants to share food constantly. I am so tired of it!!! It's wearing me down emotionally.

About ten years ago, my husband admitted to a porn addiction and began his recovery process of going to a group session once a week (which he still attends). I'm sure you've heard that an addictive personality, when working on one addiction, may change over to another. Well, my husband has moved from his addiction to having an eating disorder. Of course he doesn't think he has ann ED but all the signs are clear.

So about three years ago my husband participated in a Biggest Loser competition at work and this solidified his behaviors. He started restricting in major ways, compulsively exercising and he lost a lot of weight. During this time he decided to start asking me to share all our meals together. I looked back in my journals and I've been sharing almost all his meals since early 2008.

I'm already ED'd and I feel like all this is doing is setting me back. I've talked to him many times about how I do not want to do this and he, of course, put it all back on ME by saying I would be helping him out and if I don't share the food, I'm punishing him.

I feel like he's controlling me in this underhanded way and I'm sick to death of it. Sometimes at lunch we will share a hamburger combo meal and I will be so hungry when I go back to work that I'll go directly to the snack machine and get something I'm really not hungry for, just to fill that void still in my tummy. Of course, I also know that sometimes I go to that same snack machine and get something to eat because I feel so manipulated and don't know how to remedy the situation.

A few times he has told me he is doing this to also help me cut down on my eating but I've told him over and over that he needs to stay out of my recovery and worry only about his own!

My last therapy session was Wednesday night and I brought him into my session with my therapist and told him in front of her to stop trying to share food with me. I told him that, if anything, he's hurting my recovery instead of helping it.

Stupid, right? My ED has got me feeling so down on myself that I'm allowing my husband to control me in this way. I guess I need to know from you guys that my point is valid and he needs to stop asking this of me (at least not at EVERY meal). I need people in my corner teling me I have the right to stand up for myself. I know I should be able to do that on my own but I simply don't have the strength right now.

Thank you so much for reading.

dfj

2

It sounds that he's looking out for his interests and not yours at all. Perhaps in his mind he feels like if you didn't split the portion he wouldn't be able to stop eating at half or ask for a smaller portion? Regardless, you are entitled to eat your meals how you please..

3

Hi Gina,
Yeah, I feel like that’s some of what is going on in his head…that he can’t control his own eating. BUT that is HIS issue and not mine (I know you know that, I’m just trying to remind myself). I have enough on my plate (no pun intended) without worrying about his ED too.

Thank you for validating my feelings. That means a lot!

4

DFG- Your feelings are definitely warranted. You have the right to eat how you please- when, where, how, etc. I am really glad that you stood up for yourself and it was great you were able to tell him in therapy.
Since he seems to suffer from an ED himself, it is possible that sharing his meals with you is a way to lessen his own anxiety about food/eating. He might not see how controlling his behavior is to you because he is so focused on ED thoughts/behaviors. I know that I have unintentionally done similar things to my husband, without meaning to be controlling in the least. Since I really struggle to eat when others around me are not eating, for a long time I would make my husband eat with me...even if he wasn't really hungry. He never complained about it, but it hit me one day that he might feel really controlled. I really wasn't aware before then of how my behavior was affecting him. I hope that telling your husband your concerns in that therapy session helped him become aware of how his behavior is affecting you. What was his reaction?

5

Thank you for your response chelsea.

I wish I could say my husband didn’t know what he was doing was affecting my ED but I’ve asked him over and over and over to stop asking me to share food. Just since Wednesday he has asked me to share food again. I’m just going to have to stick to my guns and take care of me.

I realize that this may very well be a part of his ED and I totally understand that I’m not in a place in my recovery to worry about his recovery. I know that sounds selfish but I’m just not there right now.

Thank you for sharing with me and giving another viewpoint. I really appreciate that.

6

dfj, i think you're totally in the right to look out for yourself. not only that, but u may even help him with stopping him from sharing meals as this sounds quite symptomatic.

you said he doesnt believe he has an ED. is there any chance of making it clear to him. as well in order to get him off your own back?

xxx