Shattered from the Inside

I haven't posted in awhile. I feel like I get the cold shoulder and I crawl back in my shell. Aside from having few friends, I have noone I trust. This is part of the reason I turned to the support group for help. I'm really trying to reach out and express myself, it's just really hard. I'm here cause I know I'm not alone and others go through the same things.
It's been a hard week. I went from 75mg of Effexor to none. I was originally on 225mg, for over 15 years. I knew it wasn't working on my depression, the way it should, but I knew the effects of coming off of it. I'm glad I finally told my doctor and got help before I did something I couldn't take back, like suicide. I'm on my 5th day without any and it's getting better, little bit at a time. Experiencing crying spells, vomiting, head waves, and fatigue. I haven't been able to get back to the doctor because I'm unable to drive. Hopefully, in the next few days I'll be able to. Yes, I have a boyfriend that could take me, but he works and I hate to bother anyone. I've been distant from him, too. Most of that, he brought on himself. Trust is such a hard thing to get back, once broken. Some people act as though it doesn't matter to tell a lie. It seems the more truth I find about him, the less I like what kind of person he really is. He got me under false pretenses, I found out the truth, a year into the relationship, now I continuously find out more and more things that create feeling of disrespect, mostly. I believed him to be the man for me, but that was when he was pretending to be something he wasn't. Now, I feel trapped. Just looking for some friendly advice or recall your personal stories.

liar2me

well hon at the moment life is a bit of a roller coaster for u isnt it?

let me be quite honest i know nothing about meds (apart from what my daughter takes) so cant agree/disagree or give u any help in that department with the symptoms u have...

as for living with someone who is not what they seem to a certain extent we all change from the person we date where we make an effort to look nice do things etc to the more comfortable relationship where we slob infront of the box after a hard day at work, fail to clean up cos it will still be there in the morning.

but i get the feeling u dont want to talk about that being the problem its more but im not sure how much more.

u say u are trapped but once again im not sure if its geographically, finacially or just the circumstances of life.

from my own experience of having a man for a few years i find he has his circle of friends and i have mine, we do seperate things but do together things that matter...who wants to walk around a golf course on a saturday morning?
he all so over the years doesnt process things like i do so it has caused a minor conflict time to time but the things we believed in at the start of the relationship still hold true all these years later.

not sure this will help u cos im not sure what we are discussing but keep posting hon

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

I guess I was beating around the bush, trying to escape the real things on my mind. I can't process things right now with the changes in medication. It's a real bad time in my life for me to accept this grave task of facing my problems instead of just living life AROUND the world, not IN it. I have been so afraid to stop in fear that everything would catch me! Well, seems to have been true thoughts, but I'm trying to stay positive. First off, is my meds and returning back to work, as a new me! Next, I have to move because the home I'm in is being foreclosed on. I was able to decide today that we should get a storage building and place all we can there, until we get evicted. Then last, figure out if I'm staying with this man I live with or not. You can visit my older post,but this weekend something else was put in my face. We were at a Football party, where I already felt akward, I see him and another guy coming out of the bathroom. Other guy was wiping his nose and snorting. My boyfriend sells perks. I know this, but don't like it. My sister-in-law O.D.'ed on OC's. Anyway, to see one of the buyers snorting them up, at a party where I am, him selling them and counting his money. I realized then boyfriend is just a drug dealer. He makes more money off the pills than from working, because of child support he has to pay. Thank God, my kids are 22 and 19. I would be better off without him, I know this. I'm a better person than what he reflects me to be, and I'd rather be alone.
I guess things are moving slow right now, but I don't think it's going to last much long. On top of all that, he is as depressed as I am, but won't admit he needs help.

Please keep me in your thoughts over next few days.

Oh my goodness girl? Pardon my French but: W.T.F?

You may be hesitant to listen to what a guy has to say. considering what you apparently have come to expect from men. I really wish you could hear at least some of what I’m saying.

You obviously know that OC’s are very serious stuff. If you’re honestly not into that at all. Then you should get the H. away from that crap.

It’s usually inevitable that eventually he will get caught. If you are living with or in close contact with him you’ll go down as aiding by knowing and not reporting it.

That could mean a large bit in the Federal joint. You might see the county rock while they process the paper but that would only be the the start. If you think you have problems now?

And how would that effect your kids? Which by the way, even if there not talking. Do you really believe that even if there not sure what it is, that they don’t know something isn’t right?

Their’s a whole frame of mind and type of behaviors that go along with any or all of that. And little or none of it has to do with real honesty, trust, or healthy growth and self improvement.

A doctor would remove the bullet before thinking about fixing the hole it made. It would probably be wise for you to remove the thorn and once that’s permanently gone then you can get serious about honestly healing the wound.

I hear you saying that you know you are better than that.
And you know you would be better off without any of that.

You can’t do anything to help him until he shows that he really wants it.

Take care of you and your children and realize there is no such thing as a quick easy fix. a couple of days may get you past whatever may be rocking the boat at the moment. But realize that if you really to get right, you are your best resource, and it will probably take longer than you think to honestly get you where you want to be.

trick

well said trick

hon it could be time to just walk and dissolve the relationship, no matter how old your kids are they dont deserve to be caught up in the nastiness of this man.

more importantly u dont deserve this way of living for yourself.

i can understand that the house being foreclosed is gona hurt and leave u unsettled although part of me thinks if he has cash why are u in this situation (****** i no) and the other part of me is pleased he has no obvious imput into keepin your roof above your head.

i can see where the depression is coming from but please take a look at him and evaluate the things that are important to u cos im sure he doesnt tick many boxes from what u have said.

yes its messy to dissolve a relationship but loads of people have to do it for one reason or another

its time to put u first

god i sound like my mother :(

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes

:)

Thank for that advice. I truely appreciate these little talks. I want to take the time to express my feelings on this, but my boyfriend just got home and we are having it out again. I respect your advice and want to respond to it throughly. I'll be back when I can.

Liar2me, I am so glad that you're back here sharing with us. I am so sorry for what you are going through, but I love that you are working to keep a positive attitude through all of this. If you hold strong and try to stay as positive as possible, then you will come out of all of this so much more quickly and be better and stronger on the other end of it. You absolutely have to get away from this guy, he is bad news. I know that I don't have to tell you this, but there's really no gray area here...it's very black and white. You have to get out. Don't think once about it, don't sit and focus on any little happy part of the relationship. This guy is dragging you down. You and your children [regardless of age] deserve the utmost in life; happiness, health, and well-being. Please keep sharing with us here, we will help you in any way that we can. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

liar2me

when u are ready we will be here, all of life is a learning curve

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes

D :)

I have been dealing with bipolar for years and this is something I finally learned. I accepted a life full of unhealthy destabiling relationships. Because of my illness it was hard for me to make good decisions about relationships. Now I really protect myself. I read a book about boundaries last year and it really helped me understand what I was doing to myself. First after a stay in the psych ward I was placed on mood stabilizers and started going to therapy. That is where I got the book about boundaries. It gave the analogy of your personal self as your yard with a fence around it. You decide who enters your yard. You don't let others come into your yard and do things you don't want because you have a right to say no. What trick was saying was spot on. By allowing someone to do anything that endangers you creates a lot of stress that anyone with bipolar should avoid like the plague!

First of to Trick, I do still listen to what men, or anyone that I respect or feels to provide value to my life. To prove that point over a screen:

"The people that I do know just from proximity association are not the type that even understand emotional honesty let alone want to go there. Unfortunately, or maybe not, I tend to live there and prefer to be with people who do the same." -Trick

After reading your words of wisdom, I wanted to know more about you. I chose that introduction of you, because it describes me to a "T". I'm interested to know from you, since that post, has this site helped you to come out of your shell?

Now, to change the subject from listening and hearing others' opinions, to clearing up a few things about my beginning post. Understand, no children live with us! I have always took pride in my children and my parenting skills. My daughter iss 22, 5 year of college, going to peace corps for 2 more years, then Masters (that's her plan). She just got recognized for a research project she performed this summer in New Orleans. The school is going to pay for her flight to Washington, DC, to receive the award. Just got that call today! Then, my son, 19, just left for boot-camp 10 days ago. He will be a Marine, the next time I hug his neck! OOH-RAH! Because of "dysfunctional" relationships and abuse, I had permanant birth control for me at age 25. I knew then, I would end up alone, with just my kids. Good thing I knew then, what is now! Lol... Anyway, my boyfriend has 3 children. They all live out-of-state and we visit when we can. They love me to death, but I really don't need another set of kids to help raise and support. They receive $1800 a month child support from my boyfriend. That leaves us living off of my money and his drug money. He has enough left in his check for the car payment. This house belong to him and his wife, just bought. I have no interest in paying for that! I'll take my chances moving again to something that in good for me.
So, when I leave boyfriend, I'm alone. For some people that would be an awesome thing, but not for people of isolation. I guess if I ever thought about my life and wonder if it was flowing with the path I've made, I'd have to say it is. Considering the mess that has been created for me to deal with, and I do most of it alone; it could be worse. You can't rush when you're trying to fix a life, or lives. It takes time, money, and planning...much planning. If you stay close to your Maker, your Creator, he will lead you back toward home. Or that is my belief.
Puppydoglvr and Domestic, thanks for hanging in there with me and offering your support. I refer to these pages often, to reassure myself that I am right about this and I am the normal one. I find it funny to be in a relationship where the "other" one is always trying to help "you" get better, but don't see their own problems. I go to the doc for meds, go to the counsler for therapy, here for support; the more I do, the more we fight. He is jealous when I get on here to express my feelings. He thinks it's all about him! Like I spend my day discussing every little thing he does to me. That's not why I'm here! It's for me, to help myself get stronger and not just have one opinion to listen to. Thanks so much.
Spearsgirl,
Got to tell me the name of that book! That's part of my problem with leaving this relationship. It took me so long to allow him to get close to me and then to find out it was all just a lie. Even after telling him, begging him to just be honest with me and don't lie. That would be one thing that would tear us apart, and that is all we are, a lie. I know when I get out of this and get alone again, I'll stay that way! I will isolate myself to work and my home, wherever that may be. Since I only moved here three years ago and haven't made any friends, I really wouldn't be missed-except at work because no one wants my job. Lol... I would be here alone. I don't want to go back to where I'm from because it was the best thing I ever did for myself, moving away from there. My mother could use me right now, but I have other siblings for that and it's there turn. I need something for just me, just don't know what it is yet. I guess there is always hope in the search, but not much seen behind my house door.
Hope this wasn't to confusing for you all to understand. As far as my med update, I'm feeling some better. I still feel like crying, at the drop of a hat. My 40th birthday is tomorrow. I was sitting here thinking I could meet up with some friends for happy hour, but since I'm not working, I have none. Glad all you guys and gals are here!

The counseling I got was Christian counseling which was appropriate for me because I knew I would get sound biblical advise which would not conflict with my core values. The therapist suggested the book The book is called Boundaries and is sold at Christian bookstores. There is a book and also a workbook. I have to say it has helped me with an issue I didn't know I had...poor boundaries! You sound like a really awesome person and you are open to changing your life. You are still young and are free to concentrate on your life. When I was 42 my ex divorced me and my life completely shattered. I am 55 now and I totally rebuilt my life...with God's help of course! You can too! Keep posting...we are here for you.

Thanks Spearsgirl. I really need to here that right now. The book sound awesome. I enjoy bible study as well, as a christian, though am out of church since I moved here, but I still have my faith. I enjoy watch Joyce Meyers on television and did a few Beth Moore Bible Studies. I miss those days when the kids were with me and we had church service, classes, vacation bile school, etc. Fortunately,they still impress me everyday. My favorite Passage is Psalms 118. I posted the new version edition, but I enjoy the King James Version for my personal reading.

Thanks again for the encouragement.

liar2me

u have done a fantastic job of parenting two healthy kids who are moving on and upwards in the world so give yourself plenty of credit for being the hand that guided them so far,

now all u gotta do is take five minutes and apply all that good work to yourself,

i can believe he has mega problems but he is using u and yours as an excuse not to fix his, lots of people hide behind something sadly he choose u to hide behind

but come on take a look at all u have written and see how much u have grown and become a motivator in your own life. you have the tools u just need the faith to apply them hon and i know u can do that.

keep posting and chattin

loving thoughts and positive vibes always

D :)

From Mood Disorders to Bipolar Disorder