Shoulda snatched her up

ok so ive been really what do i call it umm emotionless and im just gonna let it all out k? if its all right... alright so its july/ august of 2009 me and my husband share phones cus i lost mine. He gets a phone call so i answer and they hang up call again hang up this goes on for awhile each time im like why they keep hanging up. So anyway we get to the part where i call back and get a response. "i say why every time you call you hang up" she denies it and says it was her friend "so put her on the phone" she calls back talkin bout shes his best friend now all this is taking place in front of him does he say anything oh no so shes like if you dont like him to have friends that are girls than fine im like ok its not that i dont like it I DONT KNOW YOU *** hes like thats just a friend from school she helps me with homework and stuff so i get off with her and we argue for what 10 minutes got no where im like how she your friend and i havent met his nothing idk he says then he thinks he has the right to be stressed out. I don't drink mainly because i would have a problem if i started up again (started at 12 and made decision to stop) so him knowing this goes and buys some liquor (long story short i took it and drank the WHOLE bottle and was drunk off my butt it felt sooo good til the guilt set in but anyway) a few months go by talked to our pastor and wife about it cause i felt he was flirting with cheating so we go on a marriage retreat in sept. 2008 (thought he stopped talking to her by this time i got my own phone)had a good time the same day we get back our car breaks and we get it fixed so we get home he falls asleep on the couch and its like 1130pm and this b**** calls (youll know why shes a ***** shortly) then she text then calls so im like who is callin i read the text and she knows what we did and everything asking hows the car etc call me so she calls again and i answer and listened and she talking like hes her man baby etc. so then i say this is his WIFE STOP CALLING and hung up no cussin no arguin period she calls back i wake him up and tell him to say the same thing and he mumbles the whole time and all the while shes cussing me out on speaker phone why? i did nothing, you called us. So months go by and (i also set up a fake page after looking on his page and seeing her name that she also leaves on his texts so yeah nothing happened yet but anyways she ended up finding out it was me because he told her and so now she always writing all this messed up crap about her and him and how im a stupid b**** and no wonder he chose her etc so i guess i layed my bed on that one he tells her everything we do and all i know is the **** i step in its not fair so back to the story)
our excel gets shut off and we have to start packing anyway lease is up its jan.2010 we get in this stupid fight about how i do everything (seems he just was trying to leave for another purpose now that i think of it) so i finally got insurance to get physical OBGYN stuff you know not thinking of anything get a call from doc 3 days later go in and found out i had chlamydia (tmi but yeah)i couldnt move i was just emotionless had my daughter there and just started crying and groaning uncontrollably i tried to come up with a story to make it my fault as i always do,and even though as a teen i still asked are u sure i couldnt get this from the toilet or maybe the tests were mixed up so many questions i felt soooooooooo sooo stupid and still do got my prescription calld him and couldnt get a hold of him he always does this. so i packed my stuff and my daughters stuff didnt know where i was gonna go we needed to move anyway had no heat and he wasnt making an effort to help find somewhere to go (it just so happened my sis needed me to come over) it was just alot going on and this topped it so i left he finally called back the next day late at night and i told him he said it wasnt the girl from the phone (so that made me wrong i guess).so i didnt tell anyone cus i didnt want anyone treating him bad and during this time im on her page emailing stuff and she didnt know it was me i was trying to find out more i guess idk it sounds dumb but i did it.So we attempt marriage counseling but stopped because he wasn't compfortable a few months later he says he wants to start fresh and say i was right and it was the b**** from the phone and it only happened once, a few weeks later hes says im gonna be honest again and tell you shes pregnant. So im staying with my sister who finally knows. get my own place trying to decide about us someone from church gave me a car :). then the baby is born early and with complications(she wasnt taking care of herself trying to be top model). One day went over to where he was staying and she wanted him to watch the baby so she comes (1st time i met her) and everyone there his bro cousin dad etc just welcomes her they all talk together like whats up and they all go back and smoke together im in the living room i dont smoke and im dumbfounded i thought they had no real idea about the situation but it was like she replaced me no intro nothing it took so much willpower not to knock everyone the **** out.So a couple months go by and we decide to try to make it work so we moved in together nov 2010 lost jobs same week we move in so we lose our place jan 2011 but even in between this time shes constantly calling him their arguing for hours on the phone is leaving whenever she says to get "his" baby doesnt want a dna test "too much problems" which she is he always came back with a bruise or bite mark he wouldve never even talked to me for hours we hardly talk because he deals with her every emotion anyway we move out and couldnt find someone to help move but we get in an argument about that (i cant lift anything because back hurts) so 3 days go by no word from him but if he wouldve called he wouldve known that people from church was coming to help so i go over to clean and see he got her and her mother (who has said many times she hates him) to help called her not me so i said i guess i know now im just so stupid this is the 3rd time she came stepping to me and i did NOTHING NOTHING AT ALL but tell her to mind her f***n business. Im sooo stupid why do people take my kindness for a weakness they try to push me to see how far i can go and i can go pretty far only because i guess in a way i feel im not worth anything and people go through way worse so why do i complain i dont know if it werent for God i would blow my brains out right now but then my daughter would have problemsand someone would have to clean up my blood . Ya know i used to hurt and scratch and bite myself til i bled just to feel better and to know ive punished myself so for that moment everything would be ok but i think this constabt run in with bull**** is worse i gave up all my little bit of self esteem that i grew for him i stopped doing all the things i loved to focus on us almost 9 years of my life are wasted i always have anxiety attacks and i just cant breath metaphorically and literally its toooo much and im searching and searching and i cant find MYSELF and then i sit and think that even to write this im being so selfish i try i do im positive for others but i dont see much hope for me but i do know there is good but i constantly have to seearch it out i hope someone understands me but i dont wish that anyone should go through but we do i gotta go cant stop crying. im nothing and i made this like this

Hi K7, thank you so much for sharing the your story, as I know that couldn't be easy for you, though I am hoping that it was therapeutic in getting everything out like that. I am really so sorry for what you have gone through with your husband and his mistress, as well as their child. It's a lot to handle. And, I give you all of the credit in the world for really trying to make your marriage work time and time again, most especially with the other woman and their child in your life. How are you feeling about everything now? Do you still want to stay in your marriage and make it work? I definitely think that it's time that you focus on yourself and not on others, as you've done that for far too long. Maybe a good option for you at this time is to seek solo counseling, possibly from your church, so that you can find what's right for you. Please let us know how you are doing and how we can help you.

hey puppydoglvr
I feel very selfish today for writing all of that i feel like a stupid self absorbed b**** sorry but i do and i always do when it comes to anything about me and ive been working on that for years actually when i was at churchsaturday he came with the baby and everyone was asking ME about her not him though he was right there not saying nothing im like ask him and they kept looking at me and there eyes kept saying look what you caused your husband to do and a thought kept coming like this is what you deserve this is what you get that other girl is way better than you i kept trying to make it stop but yea i got up and cried in the bathroom . He says that he didnt cheat because of me he did it because he was tired of people looking at us for help wat b/s(ok i am like the mediator in between the siblings so they come to me to bring a little peace to the drama) so i dont know what i did so he cheats. all last week i needed him to watch her and could not be found but u tell me at church you been watching her child since thursday wowbut any who im looking into headstart and on a list for child care assistance. Im finally gonna go to college(was waiting for him to finish and then i would go but hes lollygaging constantly complaining and switched schools)dont know what for but gotta do something. I dont think i should stay in the marriage and i dint want any relationship because now im scared i never was afraid of marriage i never understood why people were scared now i know i dont want to waste years getting to know and love a person just to find out they never really loved me at all and i was just thier safety net in times of trouble its a disappointment and its sad i dont know but. And i do want a counselor but im not sure if i can trust them nor do i have any incomebut thank you for listening to me it really means alot

Please don't ever feel stupid or self absorbed for sharing your feelings, that's what we are here for, we are here to "listen" and to help you in any way that we can. Feel free to share as much as you are comfortable sharing with us, we are always here for you. Know that you are never alone.

There really is never ever an excuse for cheating, I don't condone it in any way, but if he has changed and you feel that he has changed, and only if you want to make it work with him, then it's worth giving it a try. But, if you have exhausted all options of making this marriage work and it's draining you and gotten the best of you, then it's 100% time to move on. It's time to focus on you. Maybe if you take time away, a trial separation perhaps, then you will see things more clearly, because when you are in it too close, sometimes you can't see clearly. Does that make sense?

I love that you're going back to school; what are you studying and what would you like to do career-wise?