Sick of it

I'm just so sick and tired of being abandoned and betrayed over and over again. I'm aware that its my fault, don't get me wrong. I know that because I don't love myself, because I actively hate myself, that no one can like me, let alone love me. I've tried all the bullcrap little tricks to train my mind, but they don't work. They never will. I hate myself I am nothing and I just wish I could accept that and not care. Whatever. F%ck everything. Nothing matters.

I don't know you and I'm not one to give advice but if you're writing in to support groups you're asking for some help. It sounds like you're very desperate and unhappy. I am an older woman in my 60's and I've been through many stages in my life. Basically, you need to respect and love yourself enough no matter what other people do to you in your life. When I was a kid my mother was mentally ill (she died when i was 48 years old). She filled me full of self-doubt. I bought into her lies and I'm still working on becoming the person I want to be. I don't have allot of friends and I don't socialize much but the friends I do have are solid good people. Everybody throws around being bi-polar. I know it's a mental condition that can be controlled with medication. Do you think you might be bi-polar? From what I've read Bi-polar people have episodes of being severely depressed or excitably happy. I would seek some professional help. Life is allot of what you make it with some pit-falls thrown in. Best to you!!

Double F%ck everything. Maybe a giant asteroid will hit tonight. I would never believe in mind training. I think God programed us to self destruct. I'm seriously wondering if God is a sadist, someone who obtains pleasure from inflicting pain on others. That's the only thing that makes sense to me. It's just all one cruel joke.

Can I ask what you've tried to help like yourself more? I'm no authority on this (I really don't like myself much, honestly) but I've found it at least helps to keep my good points in mind. Cause there are at least a few. I'm pretty nice (and I discount all of that due to neediness, or loneliness or anything else). I'm pretty funny. I'm a total coward about facing up to unpleasant situations but oddly enough i'm pretty **** good at surviving those situations when they do actually happen to me.

Okay so i'm not emotionally logical, clearly. I never said this had to be a list of all positives. Can you make a list of your good qualities like that? Even if they're small (i mean my list isn't exactly impressive), I think it helps to acknowledge the things we have going for us.

I don’t think we were programmed to self destruct, but that is one of the reasons I don’t like it when ppl say god has a plan for me. Just cuz he has a plan doesn’t make it a positive one.

I know I have good qualities but they clearly don’t outway the bad.

MMMM, I truly know how you feel about being betrayed and abandoned over and over again. I feel betrayed and abandoned all the time, and I have been betrayed and abandoned. I struggle with this all the time, and am currently feel this. I do not hate myself, but at time I have truly not liked myself. I know that I am not a bad person, I try to be as good as I can everyday. I think as long as you know that you are not a bad person, that it is at least a start to at least liking yourself. And I bet my house that you are not a bad person. You may have done some "bad" things, but I sure you are not a bad person. Continue to talk and read on here and you will see you are not alone. That is a start also. I don't know if I said anything to help, but I want you to know that I feel for you and I hope when I read things tomorrow that you are feeling better.

I like to say that I know I'm a bad, evil person, but it doesn't bother me. LOL I'm not being totally serious when I state that I'm a bad, evil person. I'm not an evil person. Like, not totally evil. LOL I'm just being honest about the bad parts of me. But it seems like you condemn yourself for the bad qualities. I think that religion tries to deal with this tendency we have to condemn ourselves. We feel the need to have a savior, a God who will forgive us. I figure that if God isn't going to condemn me, then why do it to myself?

I know that I haven't done anything very bad. I mean I'm a bad person. I'm bad at it. And I feel like I'm a bad person. It's like I know that other than shoplifting a few things when I was young that I haven't Done anything terrible. I think I'm a bad person for not finishing collage. For being unemployed. For not living close to my mom when she's so old and lives alone even tho she is in good health and shape. For not being able to stand up for myself. I feel like I'm a bad person for not being the perfect, high achieving daughter my dad demanded and my mom deserves. For not giving her grand children, or a wedding. For being so crazy and unstable. For letting things happen to me when I was a kid. For hurting myself. For being broken and worthless.
Rationally I know that I'm probably not a bad person. But I'm not a rational person when it comes to myself. I am an intelligent, well read person and no matter how my mom shows her love for me and that she doesn't care that I'm a failure and that I won't amount to anything, it is very hard for me to accept that she loves or even likes me. And that's how I am with everyone.

You are not a bad person, you choices may not have been good ones, but you are not bad, and you know this when you say you are intelligent and well read. Yes your mom loves you no matter what. I use to be a person that would always ask, “are you upset with me”. This would upset people, and I realized it. You just have to take a step back and see that sometimes people might not be in a good mood, but it doesn’t mean they are upset with you, they have other things going on in their life also. If they are truly upset with you, they will let you know. You are at least trying to get things better, by being on here, by reaching out, you will get there it may take time, and not happen as fast as you want, but it will happen. Patience sucks, but the saying is true about good things come to those with patience. I wish I could help more.

I hear you. I often feel like I'm just not cut out to live the life that everyone (including me) expects.

This is the way I like to think of it. The world, people, family, etc. have tried to brainwash me. I've been brainwashed into thinking I'm a bad person. That should make me mad. That should make me really angry. I've been screwed over! Somebody screwed up my brain. The 'world' will try to brainwash you that it's your fault. 'The World' is obsessed with assigning fault to someone.

You made the distinction between rationally knowing that you are not a bad person, and EMOTIONALLY not feeling that you are a good person. So the emotions need to 'kick in'. Mentally you know that you are not a bad person, but that truth hasn't made it's way into your deeper self. Emotions take what we believe and drive those beliefs into our 'Deeper Self'. The emotions are the transporter. The 'truths' that you mentally know have not been transported and injected into your inner self.

You have had the lies transported and injected into the core of your belief system. Emotions put those beliefs in, emotions need to drive them out, and replace them with something else. The emotion is the power and the transportation to get the lies out, and those truths into your core.

Can you get angry that you have been brainwashed and screwed over? Not angry at yourself, angry at the injustice. Not angry at the world or some particular person, angry at the injustice of being made to believe that you are at fault.

If you get really angry at the injustice of being made to feel like you are at fault, when you aren't, I believe it will help you. It's possible that I'm wrong, and have no idea what I'm talking about, but that's how I feel.

Go get yourself the Primal Wound ASAP: http://www.amazon.com/Primal-Wound-Understanding-Adopted-Child/dp/0963648004

Its NOT your fault, you were abandoned at a young age and never had the verbal tools to be able to vocalize that.

Seriously.. get the book.

Oh mmmm, I feel the same way that you do for so many of the same reasons down to college, being unemployed not being married or having kids (at least be fired my mother passed), and always feeling like I was a failure to them, but yet I am a very intelligent person. I literally hate myself and until I like/love myself I feel that there is no hope and I do not see that anytime soon for myself, but I must say I can preach it better than I live it is you must stay in the moment and live each day for you. There are people that live you for you and I'm sure that you have so much to offer the world. If you just take one day at a time and believe in yourself you will take bigger leaps and make a giant step towards liking yourself. I get there sometimes. You can do it stay positive and when you feel this way the best thing to do is distract yourself whether it be playing music, cleaning, exercising, or just coloring. Just distract. You can do it.

Hang in there.

I feel you. I found out I was adopted a year ago and it hurts. I've never felt more alone than I do now. I feel like I have no one I can talk to. By what helps me is writing out my problems and feelings. Taking it day by day and writing out every emotion I have. The little things can be your saving grace.

Please know that there is a huge active adoption community online. Like thousands who understand and support each other. It might sound odd, but in one way, its like a whole new diverse family. The thing is...no one should feel alone in their feelings. They are very normal for those adopted.

I'm trying to think of the easiest way to direct all to us...through the adoptee blogs is a good path.... Google "lost daughters" ...."declassified adoptee" "adult adoptees advocating for change" ......it doesn't take away all the sadness, but understanding and validation really helps! .