Sigh... here I go again

I don't really know where else to turn with what's troubling me except here... I am too embarrassed to tell anyone, including my therapist, so I hope you guys don't mind the venting, I just need to get it out of me.

I have a beautiful, loving man. He has a lot of insecurity and trust issues from his dad, and has flirted with other women and men on the internet. He has let a guy play with his... stuff, and is currently interested in getting into the gay adult film industry just doing solo scenes.

I am living with borderline personality disorder. I am not quite sure if the reason I am staying is extreme need/codependence or the love that I feel when i look into his eyes.

So... this is the hard part for me. A couple of weeks ago he sent me a message saying he was having gay thoughts. He didn't know what to do with those feelings, he just had to get it out. And I had a total meltdown. I cried hysterically on the way to therapy, I just couldn't believe that this was happening to me... AGAIN. It seems I have a pattern that I fall in love with men that are either mooches or can't accept me or abuse me emotionally or whatever.

So NOW, i can't get that out of my head! Whenever I look at him, I picture him with another man. Whenever he kisses me, holds me, talks to me... When he talks to other guys, I feel like he's flirting. He talks to his agent A LOT, and his agent wants to be with him and has made it very clear. He doesn't kiss me as often, but he is still so loving and attentive.. he knows that I'm constantly thinking about this and he knows it's killing me inside. I'm just afraid that my reaction suppressed him even further and we will get married and one day I'll come home to divorce papers saying "Sorry, I'm gay."

I am bisexual myself, so I have no issues with the liking men aspect... I just feel like... he's gay and he's going to leave me as soon as he figures it out, as soon as he has that one moment of clarity.. he is just too beautiful for me, he has changed into a great person and... ugh.

Okay, sorry for venting. This just drives me into this state of utter madness and depression.. I wandered off into the mountains the other day, into the snow.. it just feels like it's too much, and I'm totally and utterly doomed to live a lonely existence.

The program suggest that selfish and self centeredness is the root our troubles, they arise out of ourselves. We must be rid of this selfishness and self centeredness or it kills us. Speaking from a bordeline perspective, the separation and individuation is a painful process. Imagined or real thoughts of separation produces fear of abandonment and rejection. What I am working on in my life is loving that person enough to let them go and wanting to see them happy. Today, I know when the bordeline traits kick in and I get into the solution. Even if it mean shedding tears, reaching out to others, working with others and being open to get out of self my wants and desires. It is a painful process, sometime lonely, embrace the loneliness going through, but the reward is love when I get to the other side of the pain with out using,taking someone hostage or creating resentments most borderlines create for other people. Love hate relationships. Let go and want to see that person happy if it mean setting them free mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

That is so wise... It's true, I cannot imagine life without him. I just honestly.. IDK if i'm ready to be that selfless. Being that I feel so victimized by him and life and everything else, I feel like it's time for me to get mine.. I am working on not mentioning it to him again, so that's step 1. How did you accomplish that type of selfless behavior? I can't even begin to figure that out.