My boyfriend accuses me of looking at other men when i dont. Im getting sick and tired of this and it always leads to silent treatments. He ignores my long paragraphs and calls. I have done regrettable actions such as beg him and eventually i give up to his demands and follow him blindly. This is basically a last resort cause i have no one to talk to about this. These are only a fraction of the things hes done to me. Any advice would help i have reached my end with this. It was all beautiful at the start but insecurities came out. I love him so dearly and i know he does but this is very painful and i have been crying nonstop for hours, calling, texting and giving in to all his demands
Hey, I know exactly how you feel. In the beginning of my relationship my boyfriend and I struggled to find a middle ground. Out of respect, we both decided to refrain from opposite sex friendships. This may seem absurd to most, but we’re both aware of how quick and easy it is to become emotional attached in a way that it may cause resistance in our relationship. I say all this to encourage you and your boyfriend to have a conversation that allows you both to be heard and respected. That way your relationship may prosper.
I used to beg for people’s attention, but it never did any good. I’m not joking or exaggerating. I’m 51 and there has been ZERO EXCEPTIONS my entire life. I’ve never changed anybody’s mind about me and never been able to “compete” against anyone else. I’ve 100% lost.
Please forgive me if my analysis is wrong, but from what I read, it seems as though he is using you. He is - present tense - putting demands on you. He is - present tense - giving you the silent treatment. He is - present tense - accusing you of doing things you are not. It sounds to me as though he is VERY insecure and wants to use your adoration of him to keep you by gaslighting you into believing you’re doing everything “wrong.” He wants you to “earn” his respect. It will never happen.
My suggestion to you is this: let him know ahead of time that you need to talk to him in the future at a certain date and time. Say it very literally. Tell him a time when he will be with you and tell him it’s serious. Then, if he refuses, you know he’s not willing to even do what you are willing to do: work on the relationship. It’s a two way street, and whether you know it or not, YOU also have that same power. I know you adore him, but you also know he doesn’t want you to leave. (remember that!)
If he’s getting angry or having an issue with your supposed “looking at other guys,” he’s got a really big confidence and security issue. Because “looking” doesn’t even mean engaging with or talking to. That’s honestly the LEAST he should be worried about. Talking to, becoming close to, cheating, any of those are WAY worse than just “looking.” And if he makes such a big deal about that, it’s because HE is insecure. And he’s taking it out on you by falsely accusing you. He is being toxic either because he knows he can or because nobody taught him how to not be. You can keep feeding his toxicity if you want to, but nothing will change without 1. effort on his part, and 2. probably some sort of professional psychological treatment.
My ultimate advice is this: get a strong woman friend who can build you up and help you fill yourself with self-confidence. One who can encourage you in the right direction. One who will understand your situation, but embolden you to be strong, a “cheerleader” of sorts. Someone who lets you know and understand that 1. he isn’t the “be-all end-all” of guys, and 2. that you have the POWER to get someone better. Once he knows he can’t manipulate you into staying, HE will be begging you. Then when he does, instead of being toxic back, you give him the right info and care to help him fix his issues the right way by professional psychological means. He will either learn through pain, or not be able to take it. And there is only one solution since you are WORTHY of love just as everyone else is.