I lived in the Portland area as a child a big city, yet always seemed magical, beautiful, growing, yet safe and happy. Always safe and happy. As I got older in my teenage years this all changed dramatically, so we moved back to one of our smaller towns were we had family and friends too. This was happy too just as I remembered, but we did not foresee the changes to come. Later as a young adult I moved to California for awhile, lived with family there, then friends I made, I worked at a local homeless community, were I learned a whole other side to our great country, one I didn't really know of and later became very sad and ashamed to know about. Then I moved back home with all this new knowledge, it seemed so knew to me, yet everyone I knew and loved just laughed and said it's always been this way, we'r doing o.k. why rock the boat with our lives and get involved in all that big mess. The Portland area was still doing well, only Mothers would no longer feel safe or happy to go play in some of the neighborhoods were I as a child was able to so easily, drugs and gang violence had moved in. Then a few years later we moved back to the country to our family and friends there. No gangs or drugs like the city, but something else almost as bad, everyone living so poor on next to nothing, or asking for food and unemployment support no jobs. Depression in many people, who knew nothing about how to handle depression, or how to use there resourses to gain another type of employment. Most would never work another type of job, they worked in the mills long ago shut down, or other jobs no longer needing them. They couldn't work on there properies any longer. Yet the homes were not selling in this area, as there were so few jobs, most bussinesses were family owned and opperated, and the rodeo helped out quite a few families, who used that one time a year income to live on pretty much the whole year through. There was now something a bit more positive and hopeful happening however, a Bronze Factory had opened some time back, and many people worked in the art galleries now built up around to show all the bronze statues and other bronze works, plus many local artists were able to submit there work too, producing some jobs, yet only for artists still not enough for all the folks living there. The anxiety of being a single woman in the world today for me can be so overwhelming at times, growing up my Mother always talked of great jobs and careers, homes, cars, the skys' the limit. She still believes this for me, yet she says it won't be until I'm a much older lady and she is already gone. So more anxiety, thinking of sharing such happiness without the one person who has lovingly supported you to gain this happiness, the anxiety is who do I really want to share this life with later on, who on earth do I know of worthy to share this, then nobody comes to mind just a blank, more anxiety, when you don't know for sure if you will ever find your right soul mate, and just hoping and praying your friends and family will not be too busy or depressed by your aloneness, knowing full well what happiness it was for you to be surrounded by loved ones and even admired by a loved one. All the anxiety of all this not knowing and bad sort of outcomes. These anxieties make my chest tighten and my heart seem to shrink up and my breathing nearly impossible. Then there is the huge fear and anxieties of driving that have always haunted me since childhood. Nightmares came over and over again about either myself or other family members dying in car wrecks. Usually when left at Grandparents while Parents were on a long road trip in winter weather. This always just terrified me so much so that even if I did pass a driving test, I really do not think I would drive very often. I believe subconsciencly I must have purposely not passed those driving tests, knowing just how hard it would be on me to drive at all and are winters here there is no way I would do it at all. I'm sure as long as I have to live in snow or ice weather I will never pass a driving test, or drive a vehicle. It's just that unnerving to me!!! There are quite a few more anxieties I am dealing with right now, but that is it for now, I will share more later.
bubbles
u come across as a sensitive caring person and its always harder for those people to shrug of social concience than for others who are more superficial thru out life
its hard to find a rational balance but older members of the family are right its always been that way some have nothing others have loads... sadly society is still very unbalanced in that way and we cant do a lot about it cos voices get lost in the general hustle and bustle of this modern world we inhabbit
your anxieties are natural althouth they have become far bigger than they should be at the moment do u get help for them? if u do is it helping u at all?
i can drive but dont the thought of having my children or grandchildren in a flimsy piece of metal worries me so we walk or go by public transport or wait for those braver members to take us places
life is all about finding a balance that we are comfortable with and im sure the right person is out there in your future just waitin for that moment when u meet and life takes off
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)