Its 12.30 am and I can't sleep.This will be going on to my 4th night in a row.Some nights i will be up till 1 or 2 am.I see my counselor wednesday.She wants me to try and start talking about the abuse in my marriage.I know for my own healing I need to do this.I don't know where to begin..because it has really only been just over 4mths that I came to reality and was aware of the abuse in my marriage.I go over and over it all in my head and its really makeing me stress over it all.Was it that bad..yes!was it my fault?I struggle with all the why's.Why was I blind to the abuse?Why did I not know it was abuse?Why did it take me so long to see it for what it was?Why why did I freeze and allow these things to happen?Why was I not stronger?Why could I not see that That is NOT love?
I must have been pretty stupid...naive...desperate..whatever.
Im afraid to share,Im ashamed to speak about things that took place..but I know I have to be honest,I know I have to speak and share details Im afraid to.
Im ashamed once she hears,how will that make me look..she says Ive been through hell but she hasn't even heard it all yet!
Its not going to go away ..I replay it over and over in my mind like some movie.
too bad there isn't a delete button...
Anyway ..............i don't know what to say or think anymore just have to drift through each day and not think about it.
I can't even think clearly about it..when I do try I feel stuck..I guess I have to learn to accept that it is what it is ...........
Grace,
Abusers get away with it because they are THAT good at manipulating and confusing us... It wasn't your fault then, and it's not your fault now. You're right, though... It's nit going to just go away... I put off talking to my therapist about all of that for 11 months!!! When I was ready, I told her. And I have a lot more I need to say. I understand the shame you're feeling, even though it isn't justified... It's scary to expose ourselves like that. It's scary to be vulnerable, particularly when our trust has been abused in the past. And talking about these things does have a way of stirring other things up... I'm experiencing my own nightmares and difficulty sleeping. But I also feel some relief for finally sharing. And I have hope that in time the pain will ease.
Keep working, Grace! You can do this. :)
Love,
Jen
Hello Grace,
I was in an abusive relationship. I know that this is also going to have to come out in my mind sometime soon - I've previously used drugs, drink and now food to mask it but I'm going to have to face the same questions. I always thought, 'block it, move on, put it behind you, be strong' but I was later beaten up by a different man and I started to wonder if it was me who attracted violence - in reality, I suppose that I didn't have enough self-respect or was too 'in love' with him to realise that I was being manipulated. Now that we are free from these situations, it's surely our opportunity to give ourselves the respect that we ALWAYS deserved - we can open our eyes now and look forwards in a better way, in a clearer light and with 100% self-respect which is unbreakable...if you think about it, this could be a wonderful turning point.
Hello Grace,
So sorry to hear about all you have gone though. I hope you find the strength to overcome it all.
Of course this is NOT your fault! You are a victim of them events and you now must be super strong in order to overcome with these events.
At this time all the "why" questions are not so helpful. There are many situations when the events have no reason to be, they just are.
You have all the right to feel Hurt and Angry. Not quite sure how to make these feelings work positive things for you but i believe you should try this out somehow. I think you must try hard to be gentle with yourself thou, as a first rule. ;-)
I think you can think about where is Grace standing underneath all this? Once you found yourself, you must concentrate in making this Grace stronger. Aim for the good in you and share it as much as your life lets you.
Thinking of you and cheering you on, good luck!
Grace...I guess we all have many "why"s in our lives, and things we would like to understand. I have learned that most of the time, it's more important to allow the emotions and move on, than to have an answer. I also believe strongly that asking ourselves 'why' we did or didn't do certain things only keeps us stuck and feeling guilty and weak.
You did the best you could under the circumstances. You can't change what has happened, but you can change the way you live from this day forward.
Live your life fully friend...you deserve it!!
HUGS..Jan ♥
Jan
I am trying to allow myself to feel the emotions.All the questions I guess do make me feel stuck.I know I can't change what happened..there is no rewind button.somehow I will move forward..in Time because I do want to live a fuller life.Tomorrow ..today I guess b/c again it is after midnight I will try to take another step forward in my healing journey and start working through the abuse when I see my counselor.
LOVE♥
Thanks Jan
Hi Grace, I understand your fear of being judged by telling everything that happened. I've felt the same, but then I found that the more I tell- even what I didn't want to it makes me feel lighter and I change... not consciously but subconsciously. I don't realize it right away but when a similar situation will arise I look at it differently and act differently. So don't be afraid to divulge yourself, it will only help you and your therapist won't judge you- she's there to listen! :)