Slip Up

Tonight I had a b/p episode. I had gone 2 weeks and 3 days until today. I don't even have a really good explanation for why it happened. I am going to blame it on maybe being pre PMSsy? Even though I'm sure that is not why. It all started yesterday when I ate really bad, I went to Arby's and got a roast beef burger and a shake and then decided to go to BK right after it and get 2 junior whoppers and a chocolate oreo shake. This morning I tried to balance it out by having a small breakfast but then I think that made me binge tonight by going out for supper with a friend, and then going to the grocery store and buying a donut, then going to DQ and getting a chocolate blizzard and then coming home to make macaroni with ketchup.

After I write this all down it makes me feel so helpless and embarrassed by my actions. Tonight I used a combination of laxatives and vomitting to try and get rid of some of the food. And then I went to work out but had almost no motivation to do anything.

If anyone could offer ANY kind of encouragement or help I would appreciate it.

I think I need to get back to logging daily because I was doing so well there for a while.

Ugh! I hate this and I really feel like I can't tell anyone because I am a dietetics major and I would probably be booted out of my program! :P

Hey,
calm down! Everything is going to be fine. Try to just breathe for a second and not think about anything.

We all have those days! Believe me. So you are in school? Could school be stressing you out? Has anything in particular changed recently to have changed your eating habits and behaviors?

Don't feel helpless! We all have slip ups. It happens in recovery. I once hear a quote about recovery where every small slip-up made your recovery stronger as long as you picked yourself back up :) The great thing is, Tomorrow is a new day! A new start. Just try to calm down and put today behind you and start all over :)

And keep writing! You said that helped being on here. We are always here to support you

allee

I feel your pain and wish I could make it go away for you! I was 'you' for 20 years, finally sought help at age 31 and have been purge-free but still binge-eating for the past 20 years. It was a giant step for me when I found the 'right' therapist, the first person in 18 years I shared my horrible, shameful secret with, really thought at that time that I was the only person in the world who did this disgusting thing (this was in the 1980's). Then I found a medicine that helps a lot (prozac 40mg at bedtime, plus a multi-vitamin). There are natural OTC supplements you could try first, 5HTP and others, lots of good info on this in a book called The Mood Cure, which helped my husband immensely(he had been on LOTS of medicines for depression and anxiety). And try to not eat products made from white sugar and white flour (when you eat, binge-eat, etc, eat things made from potatoes,rice,and anything 'healthy', although when I was purging afterwards I suppose that didn't matter). I just got a new book about Karen Carpenter (an amazing singer from the 70's The Carpenters) and will let you know if its helpful after I read it - she died from complications of an eating disorder. Wish I had the cure, but know that a lot of us out here understand and care about you! Nanc:)

thanks for sharing your struggles smiley. we all go through the same trials! be thankful and feel accomplished for having gone a LONG 2 weeks and 3 days without b/p! i could only hope to go that long. the longest its been for me in the last several years is 8 days.

keep your head up and try to get back on track. i'm in the middle of a repeated relapse myself and feel the exact same way you do.

we can't beat ourselves up. this disease is very difficult to beat but it can be done -- just look at Nancy for encouragement (previous post)!! :)

please continue to keep us updated... i'm going to my first group therapy meeting in years tonight! I am very hopeful something will come out of it.

Caroline

Thank you all so much for the encouraging words! It really does help me!

Today was such a better day. I had a bigger breakfast which I think set me right for the whole day :) And then I didn't even feel the need to binge or anything later.

I guess I feel like I can offer some words of advice for anyone who is somewhat religious or maybe even Catholic to go talk to a priest (I did that today and it helped so much, plus they are binded to keep everything a secret so I felt like telling him was safe). After telling someone not just via cyberspace I felt so much better!

I know that I can beat this, and truly truly truly thanks to you three for the positive words! We can all beat this! :)

Hi Smileyface,

I'm not Catholic but I am religious. I have asked prayer partners at church various times to pray for my "eating disorder" during service but I've never really gone through 1-1 and some someone at church about the struggles or what type of ED I have. I am considering doing that though.

Thanks for mentioning it. Hope all is well on your end and congrats for having a good day today!!

Caroline

Btw, just re-reading over your original post - I've done that and then some (re: shopping/quantities, etc.) -- sometimes I wonder how the HECK all that stuff even fits in my stomach and what it does to the rest of my nearby organs... When I think about it too much it sickens me.... but then its not like I stop the habit...

Anyhoo - I was just thinking of that and wanted to post -- mostly for my own therapy. :(

xoxo,
Caroline

Today was an okay day...I definitely know that I need to get enough sleep and be in a good mood in order for me to eat okay. Actually, I need to be in almost a perfect mood to eat well, which is very hard to come by as a college student. Today I had a very long class at the hospital where I help to talk to patients and then I came home and had to work on a project with a friend which of course invovled baking where again I was tempted by food. I feel like I can not escape it sometimes...Bah...it still feels nice to write things down...I think I'm just struggling with some things right now that aren't just food related, like stress and such...

Hey there smiley :)

Sorry to just get into this now, but I believe you've gotten some good advice so far from the girls :)
Might I suggest also making a meal plan? I know it sounds weird and perhaps something forbidden...but it really helps you because then there is no guessing in your eating, no "Well maybe I should have a little bit more" (which I know never turns out well).

I also agree sleep is VERY important. I know it always effects my mood. But right now health is the most important thing for you and so going to bed a bit earlier is best for you. Or maybe even a nap throughout the day. Sleep is NEEDED and I learned that the hard way months ago. You can't fight your ED when you're body is fighting for sleep...all your guards are just taken down.

I hope all is going well for you and please keep writing and keeping us updated :)
Paige xoxo

WOW! you went 2 weeks and 3 days without b/p! AMAZING!

Just like any addiction, relapse is most likely going to happen. Just remember that tomorrow is a new day and you went over 2 weeks without b/p so you definately have it in you!! you're amazing!

Kelsy

Thanks special and Kelsy for the support! Today was another good day! I followed the advice and did a meal plan and it was so easy for me to follow because I had mentally planned everything :) I honestly didn't even really think about having a b/p episode today, probably because I didn't have to worry about my food.

I am going to be dedicated to writing every night before I go to bed, and hopefully there will be many more days like this! :)

Today was another good day. I ate really well and didn't think about any binge/purge at all! I'm hoping tomorrow will be the same! :)

Today was another good day except for I drank tonight. I had sushi for supper which was amazing and a soy latte for part of my lunch. Hoping this weekend doesn't cause me to gain any more unwanted weight :P

hmmmm well, do not beat yourself up for a slip up, you were doing well before. we all slip up, it happens, but i woudl say try to stay in the moment when you eat as to not binge to have a B/P moment. always try to find a buddy when that happens oe delay and distract, or do something you liek to do to help you, or journal... call someone...

you also defiently need a therapist/ treatment to get through this, i know doing it alone is a good effort, but does not always work.

also, maybe if you confide in someone, that would take the'weight' off your back....

love
maureen

thanks for the advice that is helpful, i wish i would have turned to this earlier today. I had quite a binge earlier and I started to notice some pain in my throat. I think this year of being pretty hard on myself foodwise is finally taking its toll on me. I dont want to end up with clogged arteries or anything scary like that all from my addiction to food.

I want to get better, i need to get better!