I think my mom is disappointed in me or hates me. I had a small relapse today so I think shes disappointed.. I want to try and have eggs and toast to make her happy. But its so hard.. I cant stop crying because I feel so bad. These **** mood swings..
Its ok honey cause you'll begin again tomorrow & will be proud of youself & so will your mom when she sees you progressing again. It hard for us mothers to not try everything in our power to make the pain go away for our kids so try to understand. Your doing the best job you can do right now so keep going.
All my strengths.
April
Thank you for your reply, April. I am still so terribly upset :( These mood swings just get worse and worse! I just started a new medication but it has only been a couple of days. I'm assuming they take a little longer to work..
The relationship I hold with my family right now is really bumpy and tender. I'm always snapping at everyone, rolling my eyes. Going over in my head how they do not understand me at all. They all make suggestions on what I can do, or what I can eat to be more healthy.
The phrase "You want to be healthy, don't you?" "deep down inside you know you need this, right?" Appears a number of times and I find that it really annoys me. I feel like I'm at a breaking point. Like if one more thing, even the smallest, sets me off; I'll do something. Something horrible. Like.. hurt myself in someway. Accidental or on purpose I'm not sure yet.. I think that is what scares me most.
Relapses are going to happen. It seems to be part of recovery even if you do not want it to be. It is so hard to fail and not have a perfect day. I know how aggravating it can be. I can honestly say that I know how you feel. I have been struggling with my eating disorder for 9 years and I even have my relapses. In fact I had a small little one today as well. I was very frustrated and disappointed in myself.
I question myself everyday if I can overcome this. I also fear sometimes getting out of bed in the morning fearing it will be bad day and I will mess up. But, you just have to take one day at a time. This monster of ours will take time. I can honestly say I have had my good, my bad, and my awful moments with this disease. It is scary. But, one thing I have made up my mind is that I am not going to let it win and defeat me. Just live one day at a time! "Live for today and have the dear Lord worry about your tommorows." I still have hope for all of us struggling. :)
A daily reminder: Hosea 6:1 "Come, let us return to the lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds."
Thank you running2recovery.. I appreciate your words of advice so much :( It makes me feel better. It just felt like the day got worse and worse. See, my parents are in charge of my meals (mainly lunch and dinner cause I can eat breakfast on my own..) I just refused to eat any lunch that day and at dinner when I did eat I burst into hysterics. I ran upstairs and I hurt myself :( It felt like so much to me.. I don't know if I could ever eat what I ate again. Even though it needs to be added to my diet.. It's too scary and hard. I get so overwhelmed.. :(
I keep thinking about the scale and working off what I ate.. even though I shouldn't..
Hello Michelle,
Recovery is hard not only for yourself and dealing with all your mixed emotions, but then dealing with family members. It is so hard and I know how aggravating it is to have them right there forcing and controlling the situation. They at heart care and are just being parents, but I know what they are doing is mostly like to forceful. All I can say is try and relax make a compromises with them. Try and work together on a meal schedule with the foods that you feel comfortable eating. Explain to them that you will eat, but eat small amounts at a time. It is overwhelming to look at normal portions or let alone what people consume daily in life. I still struggle myself having Lunch and sometimes dinner. I cannot eat quote on quote, " what normal people eat at lunch." This diease is hard and has distorted your view on food. I am in fact at the age of 27 still trying to "relearn how to eat what I call normal." It is hard scary and aggravating.
I just suggest that maybe you can first just try and eat lunch and dinner just small portions at first until you get comfortable. Express your feelings and/ or emotions with your parents at the time, instead of running away. They don't know how you feel or even understand how scary food and weight gain is for you. As much as we want them to at heart. My husband still gets upset or aggravated, but he is still learning. I have found with trying to deal with this disease is to discuss my discomfort or emotions with him at the time. I have noticed I feel better expressing it right away then keeping all the pain, aggravation, and whatever emotion I am feeling at the time.
Still, it is going to be a long process, just keep going forward, one day at a time. Your thoughts are going all over the place, I know exactly how you feel. You will get there it will not be easy, but there is still hope. Just keep going forward and try to make more positive thoughts. :)
Hi,
I just wanted to say you're not alone. I am on here reaching for support with my alcohol abuse and I too relapsed last night. Monday I start an intensive outpatient program so maybe the word "relapse" isn't appropriate since I haven't really started a true treatment plan. Regardless, I promised after last Saturdays episode that would be it but I caved and much like yourself I'm feeling angry and ashamed. Let's try to think positive and remember we are human so we're going to stumble at times. Easier said than done I know especially when we do stumble we just want to hate on ourselves but help is out there and a brighter future is certainly in arms reach. All the best to you and thank you for sharing your experiences.
Hi....a 'relapse' is not small, but it's also not something that can term one day or two of 'slipping up' with recovery. A relapse means that you are in major trouble again, not that you 'slipped' one day with your 'plan'. Please don't put that on yourself. Each moment is an opportunity for each of us to begin again....take care...Jan ♥
Michelle tell your parents that annoys you & am sure doesnt help the real issues, let them know you'll do what you can handle each day.
Love the way Jan put it.
April