This recovery thing is new to me. Ten years into my disorder running every aspect of my life I decided to take back control, but I get so frustrated when the feeling that I get from recovery is the exact opposite of the autonomy I'm searching for. I don't so much feel like I'm regaining control of my life, as I am being controlled by the recovery process. Going through the steps, following the diet plan, filling out the food charts..it seems like recovery involves just as much focus on food as my eating disorder did.
I'm mostly trying to ignore the frustration, because I know it's just the voice of my ED trying to lure me back to my unhealthy habits, but even rationality is a meager foe against 10 years of set patterns and habits. Not being able to indulge my disorder has made me realize just how much time, money, and energy I wasted on it....but also leaves me with the question of who I am without it.
My eating plan scares me (moving from eating once a day at night to 5 times during the day and tripling my calorie level) but I'm just trying to remember that it's the only way I can keep myself around long enough to enjoy life without the constant background static of food obsession. One of my biggest roadblocks will be when the weight gain becomes noticeable from all the changes, but I'll just keep taking it one step at a time.
Thanks for making it all the way through my early morning pre-study rant :)
-nicole