So confused

Addiction & Recovery Gambling Addiction
1

Hello! My name is Christy and I think i am terrified to be writing about this to people i do not know. My Fiance has a gambling problem. I don't know what to do anymore because i have forgiven so many times and he says he won't do it anymore but the lies and the deceit are destroying us. He has spent our rent money and lied to every extent he could possibly think of. he has spent money for a job he is supposed to do for his uncle (flooring) that he was supposed to by the materials with. He has not worked since october and I am barely keeping my household afloat. i have 2 children also. he does not have any.

I was told when we first started dating that he had a gambling problem. his mom told me this and said to watch him very closely. he didn't seem to to me so it started out with him just playing with his buddies for small amounts of money. Then I began catching him in lies about money and rent came up missing from the account and so forth. We are 2 months behind on rent and he was supposed to do a flooring job for his uncle. A man that has gone above and beyond for us. Well, he gave him $500 for materials. I suspected that he didn't order these materials and stashed the money. I called Home Depot and sure enought no order. he then lied and said he had to go do a job for his brother and he left a parking ticket for downtown where he gambles in the car. I called him on it and he still continued to say he wasn't gambling. he made some out of this world story. This is after he has promised time and time again that he wouldn't lie and wouldn't gamble. i don't know what to do. It has not been tens of thousands of dollars but it is killing us. I am totally untrusting and don't believe anything he says. We were supposed to get married july 9th of this year. i told him that i was not doing that and i was going to leave unless he got help. i don't want him to get help just because I may leave. i don't know that I believe that he truly thinks he has a problem. I am devestated... i love him but I don't know what to do. I feel like a gave him an ultimatum and that is the only reason he says he will go to meetings and get help. This is destroying our relationship. I cry everyday because I don't know what to do. or what to say. or how to approach any of it.

Thanks for listening!

Christy

2

Hi Christy,
It's to bad about your relationship, i know it has to suck. If you get hooked on gambling, booze, drugs or others it is an addiction. Your ultimatum might work for a while. But until he hits rock bottom and seeks help on his own it won't last sorry to say. HE HAS TO SEE IT AND DO IT FOR HIMSELF. you knowing and calling him on it has to make him look at himself, but the decision has to be his.

You could try taking the money and running the finances, and get counseling. But he hasn't hit bottom so it probably won't be a permanent fix.

Now the hard part for you, since you have all the information you've discovered do you really want to live like you are? It's hard to walk away i know, but sometimes that is the only way to save yourself.

Remember even you leaving won't cure his addiction, like i said he has to do it for himself and nobody else. I hope you don't live with him if he has no place for cash he will steal from you or anybody else that's easy.

I'm not trying to be harsh even though it sounds that way. But you have to save yourself. You aren't the only one that's done that, it happens to many people so don't feel alone. As i said he has to hit rock bottom then he may go for help. I've known a couple people personally that have had the same problem, an addiction. i no longer have anything to do with them as i got tired of trying to help them fix their problem.

At least he knows you know, now it's up to him. But DON'T let him take you with him because he will and has already started. You have to save yourself, just as he has to save himself.

I'm sorry to be to the point, but in this case i had to for you.

Whatever your choice is, i wish you well.

3

Hi Michael,

Thanks for being so honest. i do know that i can't make him go and he has to be ready. That is what i am worried about. That it is just what he is saying to keep me hanging on. it terrifies me.. i want to be there for him and not be the one that bails because things are rough. But maybe that it what he needs to realize and hit rock bottom. He has agreed to go to meetings but I feel like it is just to keep me going for a while. he hasn't worked for so long but still continues to do it. i do live with him which makes it that much harder. He loves my kids and they love him but he is destroying us. I am so lost and confused. i want to be with him but not under these circumstances..

Very scared. I feel like it is the screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me.. i feel stupid. i feel like i allow him to walk all over me. i feel like i am not strong enought to walk away. I know what the right thing is though. i want to help him. I want to be there for him. But I know in my heart he isn't going because he truly believes he needs to. It is to hang onto what he has.

Thanks again,

Christy

4

Yes Christy YOU and the KIDS are the crutch, If it were me i'd make him move out. Give 30 days or something. Make a new bank account if it's joint, take all your easily pawned things to your folks or friends house.

Right now you are enabling him by not MAKING him work. He needs to be cut off from everything he has access to. He's making you feel so guilty for him by playing you and the kids. Heck you told me his mom said to watch him.

I've been in buiness for myself for 35 years and i've had to learn behavior. By what you've told me you are right on the path of destruction it is inevitable. Take love out of the picture and what do you have? We both know the answer and that is nothing, It's a one way street YOU AND THE KIDS. He's doing nothing, and won't. I don't know who came up the the saying "love conquers all" but that is bull.

I'm not saying he is a terrible person, but gambling all YOUR money and living for free to boot is plain WRONG. DO NOT let this person take you down also, which is already happening. And you've gotten tons of false promises and lies. Do you really want to live your life like that? Do the kids need that?

Tough choices i know, but you'll get over it. Make him move get a job and date again then see what happens. I wonder if his mom would take him back? I doubt it since she's the one that warned you in the first place.

So 30 days if he isn't violent if he his get a restraining order. He may get down right mean when asked to leave as he'll be cut off the gravy train. If you want an easy way say you need more time to think and that he needs to move and you can still date. Something like that anyway. Thinik of the kids also, do you think child protective services would allow you to keep the kids, if they knew what he was doing? The kids know believe me, and if they let it out at school or around a friend it could be game over.

I really am sorry to give you bleak news, but i can tell you are a nice person and i don't want you hurt anymore.

My ex left me and my kid, and his attitude improved and i felt relief.
I can tell by your message that you already know what the right thing is to do, the kids will get over it and so will you. I tried for eight years to make things work but guess what it takes 2 to tango.

So tell me to take a hike if you want to, but i felt i should be dead honest with you. You can even send me a private message if you don't want some things public.

I wish you happiness and peace.