I am so frustrated right now. I just want to be able to eat a normal amount of food and not feel guilty or anxious. I don't want to hear the voice that tells me I don't deserve the food because I was too fat and disgusting for him to find me worthy of his affections....him and any other guy. I am so exhausted with monitoring everything little thing that I eat. I want to be able to go out with my friends and not feel like I'm going to have a panic attack because the plans include a restraunt or cookies at someone's house. Some days I feel like an alien living among other human's and failing to be able to fit in with their ways, when they used to be my own way. Why did this ED come back after 8 years? It's scarier now because I'm not the 13-16 year old girl I was the first time around. It's a harder fight this time. I've been disappointed so many times now, that it's so hard to believe the voice of reason and yet so easy to believe the voice that tells me I am worthless. I wish I didn't have to wait til Tuesday to see the counselor.
And thats why we're here, to help you through the next few days until you do get to see the counselor. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, thats a great start, just to get them out of your head can be so helpful. Try reading over what you've just written - "I don't want to hear the voice that tells me I don't deserve.."
"I want to be able to go out with my friends and not feel like I'm going to have a panic attack because the plans include a restraunt or cookies at someone's house"
"I'm not the 13-16 year old girl I was the first time around"
These are all points in what you have just written that its YOU talking, its YOU fighting the ED. This shows that YOU STILL HAVE A VOICE and that there IS reason to fight this. Do not give up because you DESERVE a life full of real happiness and joy. You DESERVE to live a life of meaning, one free of this awful ED. You say that you have struggled with this in the past. Do you really want to spend any more of your precious time here on earth struggling with an ED that can never bring you true love, peace and happiness? Life is so short, don't let the ED rob you of any more of it.
One thing that I have found helpful when the ED thinking creeps back in is to almost 'catch it' and challenge it out loud. I would actually say things like "this is not me talking, this is the ED. It is lying to me. I AM WORTHY OF THIS FOOD IN FRONT OF ME" or ... "THIS IS NOT GOING TO MAKE ME FAT, IT IS GOING TO KEEP ME ALIVE" or something simple like "I NEED FOOD TO LIVE". Actually saying it out loud over and over until I couldnt hear the ED anymore actually worked. It feels strange at first, but try it a few times and hopefully it'll help you too.
Keep being strong. You can do this. You are a unique individual who should be celebrating life. You CAN do it.