So I was relized for the hospital today I have to continue wearing the Heart menitor and have a nurse coming to my house 2xdaily to give me TPN my councelor does not see it as a good thing she thinks that the tpn is a quick fix that it will stablise me but of has not changed my thinking I have to disagree with her. I feel it's a good thing I don't trust myself to eat and I feel my thinking is a little more clear now that I'm trying the tpn even the the ed is screaming your. Getting fat I want to stay out of the hospital so i m really for the first time fighting or giving my all againts this ed thst consume my brain will anyway that how I m doing medically now for the.emotional part I m a mess to start off I got in another fight with my mother this time I'm a selfish attention seeker and I m trying to male her look bad again are phone call ended by me saying don't me mad at me I'm sorry and she just haung up then to make me feel even worse she got my sister to eamail me I know it was her because a lot of the thing she said were word. For word what my mother said only my sister desided to take it farther she said leah haven't you hurt us enegh you couldint keep your mouth shut then you sent our father to jail got my taking away from my home leah Don't you think you have fucked my life up enegh now your not eating have heart porblem missing your hair this is not some stupid game leah eat I mean it eat or I will never talk to you again then she ended it with I don't want to lose you now I'm crying thank alot. Leah puting me and mom through hell again I hope I got through to you .well that set me up I have been crying all night since I read it it really hurt me I don't want peole mad at me I don't want to lose my only family I have left I been there I did not see me mom for nearly 5years it was so hard I still fell pain thinking about now here I'm again messing everything up just like when I disclosed the abuse they still have not forgave me for that they think it shouldhave been handled as a family mater that I toldbecause I wanted attention everything I don seem to be about attention to my family why can't they see I'm hurting me not about them I disclosed the abuse thenthe
beacause I could not endure being raped by my father I don't eat now well I don't excatly no why but it not to hurt them or put them through a hard time why can't we all have tv families where the love is unconditional and a the porblems get reslive in. 60 minute I can only wish well. any way I should go to sleep it 2am I feel alittle beter ranting I hope everyone is doing well
Leah...thanks for the update. The TPN may be a temporary fix to keep you alive, which is good, but it truly isn't a long term solution or path to recovery. What next? Will you continue to pursue therapy and possibly a treatment program where you can receive comprehensive treatment for all aspects of the ED?
It's not about 'just eating', as you and we all know, but to your family, that may be all that they see. I hope they are willing to try to educate themselves on the truth.
Please keep sharing, and perhaps you can think of a 'plan of action' beyond TPN? HUGS...Jan ♥
Jan I'm still planing on going to inpatient therapy on the forth of august I no tpn is not the answer I want recovery I want my life back. In the mean time I'm still trying to follow my meal plan they gave me. It was only my frost day out yesterday but I think I did well I was able to take insole calorie with out purging them in anyway I no I have a long way to go but I m pretty sure I pointed in the right direction now.now it just going to take a whole lot. Of baby steps and hopfuly a few leaps. I know my ed is not just about food buri sure wish my family could see of that way I don't. How to make them understand the only thing I could think to do is have her come t councelling sesion with me but she refuses she said anorexia is a choice and so is bulimia her that made. Me so mad why do people think this was I chioce I did not want to be were I m not it was not some big plan and I'm not doing it for atention frankly I think I rather be ivieable again I wish my family never found out about my ed. I m so greatful for this support groupyou guys are all a great help:) with lots of love leah
A
Hey Leah
You did the right thing girl DON"T listen to your sister and mom.I was maddened when I was reading this.I know what your dealing with.I too stood up to the abuse by my husband and I have lost friendships because of it.They are just scared and do not understand.It hurts I know it hurts deeply,Ive shed many tears also.
Some people are afraid to deal with abuse..YET in other situations they would be all fired up about it.They are ignorant,selfish,careless,unsympathetic.Im so VERY sorry they are treating you like this.Ive been blamed also and its difficult enough to feel alone and struggling with an illness and have to deal with other peoples ignorance.
I do hope you go to treatment ..I know you want them to understand.You need to disconnect from them for a while and take care of you.
The first step in valueing yourself was standing up to the abuse, that makes you stronger than them.Try and get your life together and become healthier and healed,its going to be alot of hard work for you....I have FAITH in you that you can do it.
As or your mother and sister they feel yo have turned their world upside down.It may take along time for them to come to terms with everything and may never..is there a relative or someone your sister and mom know that could help them understand and help educate them.
I dont know I wish I could help somehow,JUST remember Hun you know in your heart whats right,and that your ed is not a choice.I am EXTREMLY PROUD of you for standing up for whats right.
You are in my prayers!
Bye the way I was told I was attention seeking as well that cuts deep into the heart when your trying to reach out for help..I took those words and they devastated me.That is their ignorance and selfishness and misunderstanding.Then I realised they were the selfish ones.
LOVE
Leah,
It must be painful for your family to watch you self-destruct. I, too, hope that they will choose to educate themselves on this disease you are fighting... Focusing on the pain they're feeling won't help you fight for your life. I don't know what the magic words are. But guilt never helps anyone. ♥ I hope you get some good treatment on the 4th, and I hope you can continue with the great work following your meal plan. :) Yay!! :) Celebrate those moments, dear! And think about how much better you'll feel when you finally beat this ED. As I KNOW you will! ♥
Much love to you!
Jen
thank guys your words encouragement mean a lot to me !! i m going to beat this thing.thanks lot of love <3 leah
Leah....thinking about you dear...a day at a time...HUGS..Jan ♥
ok so i ate about half the amount i should have today but it was more the yesterday but i feel sick my stomic is really bloated and im really gassy i feel so uncomfortable the i told the nurse that came to give me my tpn how i was feeling she said my body is possibly not digesting properly that it should eventually regulate so im just wondering has this happened to any one else I dont no if i can handle it I am really scared what if its not just bloating what if im geting fat my ed is feaking out right now
oh em gee... yeah, i've realized now that i'm consistently eating how much my old eating behaviors (i.e. not eating, or barley eating, or vomitting) have affected my system in its entirety, and that includes the digestive organs. when i began to eat, i bloated like a balloon and the gas thing was super uncomfortable. and it made it that much more difficult to stay motivated to follow the right path, the path away from ED.
but guess what?! once you get more stable in eating regularly, a lot more becomes regular too - like those bowel movements of yours - tee hee... and i'll tell you i know this also bc two weekends ago i decided to restrict, and for three days in a row i ate 70% less than usual (ea. day), and when i snapped out of it, everything was out of whack, and still is... gas, constipation, bloat... i'm paying for just three days and it's been almost two weeks now... so imagine what all our bodies are trying to do - they're playing catch-up, and one thing i try to remind myself is:
it took me a lot of years to develop the ED, i was in my ED for a lot of years, and now - it may take a lot of years to recover...
This is true! Your body takes time to adjust to eating normally, but it's amazing how resilient our bodies are!
Please hang in there and NEVER GIVE UP!! HUGS...Jan ♥