So i'm quoting oprah quoting roth quoting levine sigh

*hell is wanting to be somewhere different from where you are.*
~stephen levine, buddhist teacher
yeah yeah yeah... we all know that a quote will spark me into thinking....b/c i NEVER reinvent the wheel, eh? so oprah interviewed author geneen roth- who quoted stephen levine... so i'm quoting oprah quoting roth quoting levine. sigh.

so oprah and roth were commenting that if you are in your own personal hell of wanting to be somewhere different from where you are, then WHAT does a person DO with that?

you can fly away from that temporary hell if you can CHANGE where you are... but we can't always truthfully DO that. so we can accept where we are....but how do you curb the longing???

you overeat, undereat, drink too much, smoke too much, spend too much, etc...

i have spent FAR too long in my own personal hell of wanting to be somewhere different from where i am.... actually wanting to be SOMEONE different from WHO i am. sadly, i have twisted and contorted to try to actually GET AWAY from myself... fairly impossible. i NEED to learn to accept WHO i am... i know now EXACTLY what i have *done to curb the longing*.

again, i'm learning that nothing in my life is independent of anything else. waterfall chasing, hiding, running, twisting, contorting- geez, ANYTHING to try to GET AWAY from WHAT I CAN NOT CHANGE.

I WILL LEARN WHAT TO *DO* WITH IT ALL. i will. although, i have different levels of different types of hell... i am willing to walk TOWARD the hell i've created [it's just so damned hard] in order to learn to be me without having to engage in all my fucked up *tricks*.

thank you for reading.

I read that book... and quoted the same quote in my monster post awhile back.... learning to like who we are and love being where we are... is that the opposite of hell? I truly believe it is. I see people all around me who like themselves. They have no issues with all the crazy **** I worry and obsess about. How did they get that way? Oh, that's right, I was that way once....long ago.
No words of wisdom,just know that I can relate. totally.
Love to you!

sweet molly,
i don't need *words of wisdom* when i have supporters like you. thanks, sweetie, for reading and responding.

Ahh...nice to see you expound on this one...
It truly is about 'learning to be me' all over again.
You will learn to what to do with it will!
HUGS...Jan ♥

Mmmm... I saw that show! :) Didn't read the book. ;0)

Perhaps you don't have to curb the longing so much as to redirect it... I thought what I wanted was to be thin. What I REALLY wanted was to feel safe. Loved. Respected. Admired. Valuable. etc.... There are things I CAN do towards THOSE ends. Because being "thin" won't really bring me what I want. Trying to get love through dieting... That's hell because it is an impossibility... Just as numbing my feelings out with food was hell; the feelings weren't really gone, and I had added guilt, weight, and suffering because of the bingeing. Hell, for sure...

Thinking of you, Amy! And Molly and Jan! ♥



didn't see the show, nor did i read the book. i happened to catch the stephen levine quote...listened for a moment...and then turned off the tv and walked out of the room.
for as much as i may have learned something from seeing the entire show, certain things are hurting me more than others...and i'm NOTICING it. for whatever reason, things in the show were hurting me. so for once in my life i made the decision to- walk away. and i did.

not being who i want to be is a specific type of hell....and then not knowing what to DO with that has created other levels of different types of hells. my oddities with food, i'd say, is my longest, withstanding hell. so i finally make the distinction b/t parts of me and parts of illness and parts of self-loathing and parts of anxiety and depression...and i don't know what to do with THAT either. i refuse to create another type of hell to try to figure out a way around or out of this hell.
blah blah freakin' blah.
so what do i REALLY want? to feel normal- whatever the hell THAT is. and for as much as i am afraid of the WHOLE WORLD and afraid of others' judgements against me, i am oh-so-afraid of what how I JUDGE MYSELF. i don't know how to talk myself down from that damned ledge of ultra-bitch-critic.
so yes, to feel normal... to be without shame, and guilt, to be without feeling as though i am worth less than others... and more often than not, i DO THAT TO MYSELF... it's rare that it is actually inflicted on me by others. my fear of it is so great, i bring it on myself? i don't know. i don't know. i don't know......

I can relate, Amy. I am my own judge and jury. No one else's opinions matter. But I condemn myself for not being some vision of perfection which I am not even sure what that looks like.
The goal is to fire the judge and jury and acquit myself from their powers over me.
To just let myself be who I am. But how does that happen? I WILL find it. I have to. It's the only way to peace of mind
Love you girlfriend!


Truth? I thought about shutting off the tv, myself... But I watched it, with a finger poised on the remote's power switch. ;0) Felt like it was skirting with a trigger, but never quite landed. Didn't need the remote control swatter afterall. Tee hee hee!

Normal... Maybe it would help for you to think about what THAT is... It's different for everyone... I wonder how many people would actually describe themselves as fitting into that category... Could be an interesting poll. ;0) I would not, for the record. :)

Sending you lots of HUGS, dear friend!! :) Wish they could be REAL! ♥