So it's been just a little over two months now since d day

So it's been just a little over two months now since d day.
It's easier a little. Me actively forgiving my wife seems to have lessened the pain some but it still hit like a tidal wave some times.
The biggest problem we have right now, and it's a big one, is that she is broken from everything. She has no ability to love me at the moment. No romantic interest in anyone or anything. We have talked about one kiss that she initiates everyday just to help keep my heart alive for her, but I'm worried that it isn't enough. I'm worried that her talking the time needed to heal will be a death sentence for our marriage. I know she needs the time to heal after everything, but i can't help but think that I'm going to completely fall out of love with her, and then no longer care if we can make this work or not.
I will not settle for a emotionally devoid marriage. I don't want that and i think my kids would benefit from a mom and dad who are actually in love, not just live together.
It's a sad time in my life...
She has one year to sort it out before it's our chosen evaluating time.
Thank you all for your support!

4 Hearts

Interesting that she's the broken one, she needs to help you heal!

@Consumed39 can’t. Everytime i talk to her about it, she is completely dead inside. If i push, she retreats…
I honestly don’t think i can do this.

Your situation is definitely unique. IMO she should be doing anything and everything to win you back. What's up that she Isn't? Sorry for your pain, I think you are right your marriage won't survive. Does she really want to make it work, is she still cheating? These are questions I would consider. Her behavior doesn't match up with someone who wants her marriage.

@miserableinmd i don’t really think she is cheating still/again… But it’s not out of the question.
I think after everything she is just shut down… Which is bad because if I’m going to want her she needs to engage me. If i am ever going to be able to trust her again, she needs to really try hard to make that possible… I don’t know… Maybe I’m just acting crazy… But this whole thing has made me crazy

I totally understand how you feel. Finding out she cheated on me was extremely painful but not being able to openly discuss how I felt and what was going on was more painful. She was dead inside. How she was dealing with it made me resent her more. It was like I wanted and was ready to repair things and improve but she made it worse a thousand times worse by keeping her distance and keeping me in the dark. Things are much better now. It takes a lot of time and patience. She has forgiven her self and I have forgiven her but she is still oblivious in a lot of ways and it still hurts. But it's much better than what it used to be and she has finally opened up and connected more.

1 Heart

Yeah I'm working on getting physically fit again. And the prayer thing I'd not really something I'm into, i don't mind if people pray for me or wherever, but I'm an atheist (not looking to start a debate)
Maybe i can find some other things to keep me occupied...

1 Heart

@mrmike I’m not religious either and meditation and Accupuncture helped me more than therapy.

@mrmike our D day is the same (9 weeks for me) and I find the same difficulties. Yesterday again it was a tough day. Suddenly I don't feel like talking about what happened. I am really scared that history will repeat it self and that once things have settled he will do it again. I am not sure how to handle these feelings

@Mika1803 yeah… I get you. It’s hard… Seemingly impossible to trust again… Maybe one day

@Mika1803 I understand. I am in the same place you are. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. The only thing I can say is I am enjoying life! At least for the most part.

The thing really boils down to i started to trust again and found out she was wrong about her conversation with the om. I don't know of she lied to me or just forgot (the convo was before she told me about everything)
So that broke the tiny fibers of trust. Then she broke her word about texting me when she went out... That broke the tiny fibers of trust yet again...
Ive told her at this point i trusted her more when we first met that i trust her right now... So you can't be upset that I'm protecting myself.

1 Heart