Oh boy did I screw up again! I binged last night, again. I'm so sick of this..why do I do this? Yesterday I spent the entire day fighting off the urge to binge the entire day. It was hell. It was like when you quit smoking or something. I did as much as I could to get out, occupy my time and try not to think of it but when I'm in my bed and my mind is wondering is when it gets me and 7,000 calories later in a 1 hour time span it was done.
I'm really sick of this. I used to be so open with my body and comfortable always by my pool or the beach or in swimwear photoshoots.. I mean, I cant gain weight at the sake of my career (I'm 168 and 6 foot 2) but at this rate I'm scared. To give myself credit I haven't had a 'harsh binge', as of recent but I'm sick of playing yo yo at the gym on the scale 170 after a binge diet back to 166 then 168 and it just goes on and on. So I take Dexedrine and red bull to last longer at the gym to burn all the excess calories (and I know how bad this is for me!) People ask if I have people to call. Well I opened up to my parents that I was going to therapy for this and they laughed at me. I don't have many friends and the friends I do have don't care, and my brother taunts me with food. Now for the next 3 days its nothing but protein bars, fruit and water. How did I end up here? My relationship with food has always been steady not great I generally consumed lower than the average guy at 6 foot 2 and was 162 Lbs but I felt looked and was healthy. Now I feel so depressed about myself and kick myself. most importantly I ate when I was hungry not when somebody said something to me I didn't like or my visa bill got higher!
Honestly, some nights I just take 2 sleeping pills instead of 1 because I'll sleep faster and have less time to act upon my feelings of wanting to binge..but how can I get better with no support? This feeling I have to binge and when I binge the feelings are the same as when I took Demerol after a operation..It's euphoric (how mess up is this? getting high on food?) I excersize like crazy and eat healthy with the exception of these binges 1 a week.
Can anyone give me any advice. I'm really alone here. Thanks.
Hi Jenson, I understand what you mean. It's tough especially when you realize yourself you've got a problem. My best advice is to find a therapist specialized in ED. I've only been going for 3 weeks (to a therapist) and 2 weeks to a Dietitian and it truly helps. Yes there are highs and lows in between but right now, I can say that it really does help and is a positive aspect of my life. If you need anyone to talk to I'm always here :) feel free
Oh thank you so much Taylor. I really appreciate the advice, the therapist helps but I don't know. I think I feel so empty inside from loneliness or something and fill that with food..I'm not sure but it sucks :(
I was alone before but didn't abuse food, abused other things that allowed me to sleep large amount of times and not think about the fact that I'm almost virtually friendless. I like in this Vain world for my career and can't afford this disease and gain weight, and at the same time I cant purge because I got Veneers and I'm almost broke from that. Feel like I'm on the edge, you know?
How is the dietitian working out? I thought this be good for me but my parents laughed when I brang up the idea and said "eat what we eat". Which I cant cause of my career and both of them eat 'unhealthy'.
My therapist says that the ED isn't jsut a problem that needs to be fixed that it covers other things. I just uncovered a little bit about myself which kind of makes sense but I still have a hard time grasping the whole "this problem makes you feel out of control so you control your food" though it's more complicated than that...
I've always had a hard time with ppl, partially due to my middle school ordeal and apparently that's somewhat of a cause for me. So perhaps this loneliness of yours is also a cause somehow. I'm no therapist, just know where I've been and what I've done...
I understand that feeling of being on the edge, that's what finally drove me to realize that this isn't normal and that I need help.
Also, I'm sure you're not friendless, I don't believe we need so many friends, you're lucky to have one good friend in my opinion, they're so hard to find!
The dietitian is working out nicely, she gives me a menu that I (try to) follow and we see how things work out. I do recommend a dietitian as it makes me feel kinda like a robot it takes the weight off of my shoulders and I just follow orders. I understand it must be tough to get through this with your family not quite understanding what you're going through but if you can I'd try one, maybe see one your therapist recommends so they could stay in touch- apparently that's also needed.
Hope you feel better soon!!
TJ
sorry i screwed up the reply system…
Dearest Child,
You are made in the image of me. You are royalty and i adore you. You are my child and i made you perfectly. Marvelous are my works and i created you. You are my beautiful masterpiece. I love you exactly the way you are. You are amazing and i want you to give me your worries and confusions. I will take them and help you make sense of them. Will you let me? I am here for you always. I will never give up on you, i will always be there for you. Give me a chance to prove myself to you/ I love you, and all that you are.
Your Loving Father, God
I’m going to church and trying 
Jenson- sent you a message this time!
Hey Jensen,
I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. BED, is such a frustraring condition and can be extremely overpowering at times.
The only advise I can offer is to just keep hope in your heart and just keep working at it.
Because I know you want to get through this, you just have some things to work out along the way.
Stay strong and positive.
Warmest Wishes to you
Moongal x
Thank you very much Moongal. I'm trying to be as postive as I can. :)
Jenson,
Have you tried any support groups? That 's a great way to meet new people and at least you know you already have something in common.
Jodi
Thanks, JSmannon!
I have been to group therapy and I found it helpful in some regards. It’s very hard when you family mocks you for going, tells me not to go and that I can just “change my state” -like my father says screams, rather at me and ignore the “psycho babble BS” another thing he loves to laugh and scream to me about. When I open up to them they laugh or get real mean and mock me. So I am missing my Group Therapy for the reason that my father is making me do something else. I’m very upset right now and want to binge my heart out but I’m trying to keep strong about this. It’s like my mother day I complain and complain about my problems so I should get help and when I take that big step they laugh at me, mock me and make things for me to do so I can’t go. Honestly, it’s hell.
Hey Jenson,
I am sori to hear that your family aren't acting as supportive as they should. I did not understand BED for ages and thought that I was just being a "pig"...my sisters you to refer to me with this word and when I actually opened up and told them that this was something that I really couldn't help, and would they please support me and look up the information, they refused...which was a kick in the teeth.
However, I did open up and talk to my Mom about it too, I also gave her a booklet in regard to it and asked her to read it. The next day we had a talk and I knew she understood as she could see the symptoms in the booklet were the ones that I was suffering from.
So basically what I am wondering, is there anyone in your family that you could turn and trust with the information about it? If you think there is, give them the information, make it as simple as possible for them. The also may be able to speak to the rest of your family on your behalf or at the very least be there as a supportive shoulder.
If you don't feel this, seek support in the ones you can trust...your support group, your friends and this website. Just because someone doesn't want to think about this illness it doesn't make it not real and that you are suffering from it. Please do not let anyone get in the way of your group sessions, it is so important for your recovery. I know this is not helping your situation, but we are here to support you and believe in your success.
Keep coming back for support and believe in yourself, you deserve the best.
Warmest Wishes
Moongal x
Thanks so much, Moongal!
I try and not let it get to me, I'm glad it hasn't resulted in a huge binge because after what my dad said to me about group therapy he ain't worth the binge. There is someone I trust but she has two kids and is always very busy with then (my aunt) and work. I made another appointment with my doctor because I can't go on anti-depressants (bad reactions) and I hear that they help with this sort of thing. I'm gonna ask he refer to another psychiatrist and a nutritionist. It's just finding the time to get to him. If I'm not at the gym, work then I'm helping with the family business. That's why my dad won't let me go.
I tried to get my mother to read about this and she yelled back at me "Its always something! I don't have time. I'm busy" my mom is the kind of person that she'll listen when it's convenient for her. Unreal, huh? That's my parents. Then they have the nerve to say "We're so worried about the supplements and pills you take" or "When you drink you worry us because you drink too much too fast" (this is like a 1 every 2 weeks thing). It's confusing that and my dad is a ticking time bomb I never know when he'll go off on me! I told them I'm not taking fat burners and all those supplements and protein powder but I lied and I don't feel bad because I really don't think they'd care anyway. The way they say it is almost like the get a rise out of criticizing me, I know this because they always make fun of my modeling- saying "it's no career for a guy". My brother and I hardly speak.
Hey Jensen,
Ya, the thing about parents, is they can be so stuck in their ways, to the point of their own detriment. The problem with eating disorders is that many do not understand them. I used to get so many questions - why do you eat so much? why can't you stop yourself? I used to even ask myself...because I didn't have a clue.
About the supplements and pills...i am not so informed about them, as I have never used them...but do you know what you are taking? so you know the ingredients of what you are putting into your body and the side effects and any long term side effects.
Yeah anti-depressants do help, I am currently on one. What reactions do you get? I had to try a few and some made me sleepy, but now I'm on one that works perfectly, just lets me get on with my life, so now the ED is really what I need to work on.
Don't let anyone judge your career choice. What is most important is that you enjoy your career.
It's good that you have some people to talk to, and that you seem to positively pursuing recovery. Please keep with it, and don't let negative talk knock you and even though you may have responsibilties in the family business, you have a responsibilties to yourself, first and foremost.
I hope things keep getting better for you and keep coming back for support, you deserve a life - ED free. (sorry about the rhyme, sometimes it helps)
Warmest Wishes
Moongal x
Hi everyone,
I just want to chime in here with a question of my own.
I also have a problem with binge eating and beat myself up each morning following a night of bingeing. Jensen mentioned sleeping pills in his post. I truly believe that Ambien is what got me started bingeing. I took it for a couple of years or so and had no problem. But something changed and I found myself getting up in the middle of the night and bingeing on everything sweet I could find. Most times I wouldn't even remember it. I got off the Ambien but the bingeing has not stopped. I have such a difficult time with sleep that I got on some other sleep meds. I'm just wondering if it's because the sleep meds have put me in such a relaxed state and my defenses are down that it's easy to tell myself that I don't care if I binge. At those critical times, I just tell myself that I'm going to be fat no matter what, so why not eat. What do you think?
Is it necessary for me to completely ditch sleep aids to stop bingeing? I don't have a problem in the daytime at all...my problem begins at 2 or 3 a.m.
Has anyone faced a similary problem w/sleeping pills and bingeing?
Thanks to you all for being there and good luck with your battles.
Roller
Hi, I can relate to the night binging. I can go all day and eat healthy but after I get home from work and after dinner all I think about is food. I will binge before I go to bed and even after I am in bed. I too take sleeping pills so I won't eat. I am looking into going to therapy for this which is actually a eating disorder. I hope coming to this group can help.
Rollercoaster and Ario,
First..Hi :)
Okay, I've been on just about everything that is out there. Here's what I found, Benzodiazopines will make you somewhat hungry. I found this specially with Temazopam 30MG (restoril) when it was less effective 2 or 3 hours I'd be starving later. Xanax 1MG, Klonopin 2MG (specially Klonopin) made me hungry.
There have been reported studies of people who take Triazolam, Ambien and Ziplicone (Lunesta) waking up in the middle of the night and binge on anything and everything. Very rare but it was reported, and I think these three where the worst offenders for that.
I've tried others Seconal, Phenobarbital (sp?) neither really made me starving but I wouldn't go down this route. Binge and Insomnia sucks..Like a double whammy! :(
Thanks Jenson and Arlo,
After I got off the Ambien I went on Trazodone and Ativan and they do put me to sleep, but don't keep me asleep. I get up and binge, but it's not because I'm hungry. I don't know why I do it...it must be some psychological reason. I am seeing a therapist and we're trying to work through this. Starting tonight, I've cut my trazodone and ativan in half to see what happens.
I need someone to report to each morning so that I can share how I did the night before. I feel if I have to report to someone, I'll try harder to stop this behavior. Any volunteers?
Hi Rollercoaster,
Trazodone is a anti-depressant with it's major side effect being that it causes sleepiness. I will never know why Dr's continue to prescribe this for people with insomnia, specially seeing as how your Dr. doesn't seem to have a problem with prescribing benzodiazopines with it (Ativan). (Both are mild in the sedative category and maybe why you are awaking. Ativan is a VERY short acting Benzodiazpine-very short half life).
Insomnia is the worst. The worst! Company it with binge eating it's a disaster! My advice would be to tackle one thing at a time, as opposed to both binge eating/insomnia at once (which it sounds like your doing by cutting the dose in half). There are better sleeping medications out there for staying asleep if that seems to be your problem. I would suggest maybe switching to one called Nitrazopam. It will keep you asleep longer and is in the same family of medications as the Ativan. Maybe the mix of a anti-depressent and a benzodiazopine is causing this for you?
I'd be up for reporting but I fear I would let you down a miss a few days here and there.
