So Now what? Who is this person?

It has been one week since life smacked me in the face. My live in boyfirend of almost 8 years has cheated. So many dynamics involved I dont know where to begin. I need to express as I have no one to go to. I am a human resource manager and on a day to day basis I deal with all kinds of issues including cheating. From my education I can easily help others and love to do so as well. For me to open up is not professional and has been a way of life for me, always the example. Somewhere I have lost me, friends are very few as in my profession you cant be yourself in front of co-workers.

I moved to Vegas 3 years ago from all that I knew my whole life family, friends. To be with my boyfriend who's job moved hime here. I took a year to make the decision before moving here. Under his convincing of the forever thing I left all that I knew. Las Vegas is a very transient town and no one really gets close to each other, more or less quite the facade includes the people.

In the meantime boyfriend lost job about a year ago in management and has exausted many avenues to find new work. He went through major depression, anxiety, loss of self, manhood. I supported of course through all this and many attempts of ideas and energy of attempts of employment. He made a decision to go to Truck Driving School, I really did not have choice but to accept this, he went out of state for first step of school then Over the Road Training - Ist Phase - I noticed an odd sense of him and withdrawn to his normal openess with me. One minute very mushy, and next to busy, then came over Thanksgiving and all seemed well, very affectionate etc...

When reached phase 2 became spuratic in conversations, had to go said could not talk due to room mate etc... then he was very cold and abrupt, tried to discuss became irratated and said this was very hard and so different from all he had known so I knew I had to be more supportive and keep positive, but I hate being apart and really questioned all this alone time I had now. Looked at phone bill as normal billing and I noticed a number continually on the bill, so I just asked him who it was... silence... I said hello Ok what is going on... he started to yell and ask me what was going on with one the employees at my office. I was shocked ... he really was going on and on about this man whom I guess had made some very expressive sexual and lude comments out loud when I walked by at a employee social event I and boyfriend were at and he was standing behind him. I guess the expression was more or loss that he had me.... He did bring it up to me but I paid no attention to such idle immature men being pigs....I did not hear it but he said he said it, you know how that goes and in my profession I deal primarily with men so it was like whatever... so, boyfriend went on and on how no one would make a lie up over that and he has been obsessing over it and convinced himself it was true, now I know what he is doing "placement" releaving all his guilt , Excuse for his actions, once I demanded I am not guilty of anything and not to shift to me, he said he had been with receptionist 3x at place school puts them in.... WOW I was speechless, I am self taught through profession not to react to stand back and analyze first and chose words very wisely. He kept saying he was sorry and how foolish he feels, that I am the love of his life... he said he felt so dirty and guilty.. I told him I loved him and I needed time to process. After a day or two I tried to talk and get more explanation , I went to say even as far as I could forgive (not sure why) but he had to earn my trust back and had to put in consertive efforts of communication - NO LIES, that is the only way to work past the pain. He said I love you Jen and I want to spend the rest of life with you and sorry etc....Since then I am a MESS all of a sudden - I think shock is reality, he still seems distant and is now back on the road in Phase 2 and of course to add to the dynamics a older Woman Trainer that he will be with for 2 months. Could life just be that cruel, WORRY to say least. He has phone off most of the time and even on Christmas went to Trainers friends house and called me for 10 min (they were out of state waiting to pick up load not open on Christmas)that was all I heard from him then ringer off rest of day and all night into today, so I called the trainers phone as now I am worrying many thoughts pure anxiety... God this is not me.... I remained of course professional saying I was worried and could not reach him even his Mom had been trying through holidays etc... she said no problem and passed him the phone grrrrrr... he said it was late when they got back to truck and they got up early for load not ready and so it would not be ready for a while so they were going to movies... I said to him I know you cant talk but I need you to hear me .... this is not you what is going on, I have always been first and this is a total lack of respect... that I need to really talk to him and I deserve that, he said OK he would call me later now 4 hrs later nothing and ringer still off... I am absolutely just filled with pure Anxiety, stress, anger and I keep saying to myself Who is this person??? I dont even know me.... Whom and what do I do... I have seen myself with this man for better or for worse... What is he going through... you know when others cheat they can confront the situation and deal with it... he is there and I am here how do you deal with Demons so to speak? How do I approach this maturely and not be a drama situation (I detest drama, deal with it everyday in job)

I am so lost, It is so fustrating not knowing what is going on! I cant even imagine life without him, and I know I have made him my life and then my career, How do I approach this, I always have answers for everyone else in a rational form and positive, but the pain is immense and I cant think all I feel is betrayed and now dazed and confused. I need some outside perspective, I know a typical answer is drop the bumb, be good to you,find yourself, one day at a time, but I have the head knowledge but the emotions god awful... I want to say I love this man and we are amazing together, our friendship is so foundational, we have always worked things out and really become soul dependent on each other, as this is a very lonely town, not too many genuine real people with out an angle. I know how to play every political game out there and very good with facades but I cant bear this, any ideas anyone any strong insight in how do I Jen in all of this...

Love to hear from you and thank you so very much for giving me a place to put emotions down in black and white...Thanks again Jen

Hi Jen, thank you so much for being here and sharing your story. I am truly so sorry for the pain that you are going through. It seems that you have sacrificed so much to be with this man for the simple reason of loving him wholeheartedly; that's such a beautiful thing. You are in a new lonely City where this man is your only source of stability and communication outside of work. Then, he goes through unemployment and has to take on a job that he isn't too thrilled about to make ends meat (am I correct in this assessment?), which can be very emasculating for a man. I am not excusing his behavior one bit, but if he's taking on a job that he feels is a last resort for him, then he is in a bad place psychologically and will act out of character. Again, I'd like to emphasize that I don't excuse or condone his behavior, but I'm trying to understand and analyze it. The pattern of his behavior following unemployment and through first phases of training seem to be out of character for him (is this correct?). Therefore, is this recent behavior really him and who he is at the core or could it be because you have solid employment and he's off working hard for something that he doesn't even want to be doing. Thus, again feel a level of emasculation.

Now, onto what's important in all of this...YOU. I can imagine how your mind is racing and this is causing far too much anxiety, most especially because you are not able to communicate with him. The key now is to calm yourself down psychologically if you can and focus on what you want for yourself and your future. It seems that you want to work through anything and everything with this man, but it absolutely has to be a two-way street. If he is showing a genuine want and need to make this better with you, and you are willing to work on re-building trust, then it's worth making the effort. Though, do you think that you can ever trust him again? This training is just the beginning for his new life on the road and this is a life that requires a lot of trust in a relationship. Take this time to focus on what you want and need in your life, write it down if it helps. It's always better to walk away and move onto a more positive future, rather than to continually be dragged into a bad space where you're emotions are being tortured and you're on a roller coaster ride of emotions daily. That's really not living.