So recently relapsed hard, daily, since I left the mdone clinic. Even though I have mdone at home (off the street) I just have such negative thoughts and negative outlook that I just wanted to be how I feel inside. A fat, junkie, loser with no friends or anyone who cares about me or my struggles. I see a blank, bleak future. Every bag I do makes me feel comfortable in my depression, at least I accept it and allow a deep wave of melancholy wash over me. The drugs numb the pain. I wish a freak accident would occur where I died. I refuse to commit suicide because it would ruin my mother. Every cigarette I smoke I hope I get cancer. I know I sound like an ungrateful piece of sh*t, but this is my mind. Sh*t. Just self destructive thoughts and actions. A merry-go-round of misery. I am 225lbs of lard and sadness. I see movies, shows, magazines of beautiful thin women living in paradise. Their Instagrams portraying my every desire. They smile with genuine authenticity that makes my stomach turn. I am going to turn 28 in July. I am NOTHING that I wish I were or even thought I'd be. I'm uneducated, unattractive, broken, depressed and just a loser. The self pitying gets old, I know. It's all I have other than a 1993 rusty, loud, smelly Chevy blazer which is the only thing I own. I get looks of disgust and pity while on the road. My parents don't care if I drive something without tires. My dad drinks himself into a demn and my mother is all about her boyfriend while I take care of my disabled siblings and the entire house and chores. I'm never going to feel content in my life. I'm forever lost. Please just end this God, if you're at all merciful.
I think you need a holiday a big long one,away from home.. your sibling are lucky youre alive and there for them.. (that already make you a beautiful person).
But sure shower and a little bit make up hair cut does help.. but its not everything.. i know from growing up in simillar situations.. its does get better.. except the pain never really goes fully.. but it does get better.. Find a job,get social help,take your siblings with you. If you cant.. leave behind and get them when you are ready..
I dont have my parents anymore, but i always think family isnt everything especially if thhey are fk ups.. they eventually dstroy themselves and you along the way.. there is plenty of help out there if you look haard enough.. also there is this website GO FUND ME or simillar where people can help you collecting enough money to start somewhere,wether its college or a new apartment e.c.t..
Best of luck with everything..
U asked God for help. He is working YO be patient. Ur not a loser!!! Ur not done playing the game of life! U haven't lost yet!! Try to think one positive thought a day! U can do it!!!
You are beautiful inside & out. Your post was very heartbreaking to read. I understand that you are suffering but God keeps you here on earth because there IS a purpose for you to be alive. You should look into NA meetings, seek therapy, or even a outpatient rehab. Some are available to people with no medical insurance or medi-cal. You need more support for your addiction and seems your family isn't one at the moment. On here there is tons of support but actual face to face relationships with people, who've been in your position or are still going through it can be a huge support & guidance - as you can be for another person as well. Try and get the right support with quitting Heroin. When taking mdone helps but for only for so long, and you don't want to depend on those & then that be another addiction to quit. Prayers go out to you hun, things will get better look at your 28th birthday as new start to a new year for you *hugs*
You are worth life. You need to ask for help with your depression. Doing drugs isn't the solution. Do you smoke weed ,? Some people say that helps with depression and anxitey. You really should talk to a doctor about your options. But you really shouldn't be wishing to die. Someone had other plans for you. Or you wouldn't still be here. You are always going to fight the demon but you can totally win Everytime if you want to I know you can!
I am 25, no career, work dead end part time job where the work me so hard but I find comfort in that place. Sad to say without it I would loose my mind. I do not drive and license, can't seem to get one because of my anxiety. I'm extremely anti social.. I can't make friends, I'm boring no talents. The ones I did have well, It makes me sad to think about it. I have fallen out of love with everything I use to love. I dread hearing music. I feel like a total failure. I am trying this thing right now where I set one goal, and I give myself one week to achieve it, depending on what it is. I want to get my license so, that's first on my list. I figure, either I kill myself now being miserable. .. Or I just, try and live out the rest of my life maybe only to die miserable. What do I have to lose right? We can try together. Set a goal for yourself, and try your best to achieve it. Last week I stopped smoking weed and drinking for the week. I actually, feel good about myself. No I am drinking right now but hey, I know I can do it again because I did it once. It brought a little hope into my life. Message me anytime
@sweetleafbri setting small goals is a huge thing! Do you have a problem with drugs? Or are you just very depressed. That’s great you could stop smoking and drinking for the week. maybe you should stop for good. Maybe that’s another reason you feel depressed and so unhappy. You need to find the source of your unhappiness and change it. Is it your job? Id it your living situation? Almost anything can be changed if you want it to.