So scared, don't know how to do it

probably like all of you i've been dreading xmas like crazy. and now because of natural forces (i.e. insane snow) i kinda committed myself to no b/p during the holidays.
quick explanation: when i talk about bingeing i really mean bingeing. i go shopping specifically for it so that i can spend hours on stuffing my face and purging. and since my last horrid go at resisting ED (it ended in self harm and very clear thoughts of more and the worst physical symptoms ever) i have not made any effort to do so again. it literally scares me to death. (i know i sound like a weak coward right now but so be it)
so originally i wanted to do a big shop this morning to get me through until monday. well, getting snowed in or iced in made me rethink my plan, using it as motivation to maybe try against ED again. i don't know how that happened, to be brutally honest.

so now i'm here, by myself as the whole xmas eve thing already happened and all i want to do is b/p of course. but no food (at least not mine) in the house, neither will there be for the next two days.
but there is still tons of triggers (even chocolates and such that were given to my parents), worst of all, there is all those negative emotions bubbling up. yet there is still knives etc, there is ways of following my thoughts. and i'm scared shitless...

why did i think i should do this? i feel so stupid right now...

maedi

in times of trouble what do u normally do? or better still what would u advise another who wrote this cry for help?

one thing i do know u are not a coward or stupid but i dont no how to help u so help me help u by tellin me what u would advise

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Maedi, if its a choice between bingeing on your parents food and self harming, binge please...I beg you. I love u too much to know u want to hurt urself. Do you wanna skype? I will create an account, I can entertain for hours...I'm all alone so really no biggie. Please email/msg me ASAP

thanks so much for getting back to me.

domestic,
i was gonna make a distraction list for myself anyway, so might as well do it on here now. so, things i (or anyone on here) could do to keep busy or relaxed:

work out/weights
cross trainer
yoga
go for a walk (alone or with friend)
cross country skiing with my dad
doing a puzzle
sudoku
reading
cleaning/sorting stuff
do laundry
chat on messenger or on here
write emails
take a bath (if i can stand it)
sleep

thats all i can think of so far. all i could suggest really is distraction. i will see if they hold up once i hit the bottom...

gina,
unfortunately i can't skype due to this ******** internet connection here otherwise i would have loved to take u up on ur offer :-) how are you getting on?

im glad i wrote this post earlier because i will now use it to come back to whenever i start doubting. reading some positive affirmations (something i can never give myself) should help.

lots of hugs
maedi

You could also write me a hand written letter!! Who gets hand written letters anymore? I want one! And when the snow has cleared you can pick up a stamp and mail it! I will write you a letter also, this could be fun?

maedi

ok thank u for the list i will print it and digest it hon.

i hope u are feeling a bit better than u were hon

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

awh gina lovin the letter idea :-) will defo do that! just hope you'll be able to read it! lol just drop me your postal address.

domestic, thanks so much for caring, it helps a lot simply knowing that people are interested. i do feel a bit better for now, thanks. it's almost bed time here and i think i should be able to sleep through. we'll see then what tomorrow brings :-)
i hope for you it'll bring loads of prezzis and joy!

love
maedi

I need yours too!!! I already started my letter!

maedi

i always care hon, just not sure about the best things to do or say when its something outside my knowledge or experience

i hope the major pressure has lifted now and u can do some distracting things that help untill the weather resummes normal behavior

have a great day

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Hi, I'm new here and I don't know if this suggestion will help, but with the bombardment of sugary treats that gets thrown around this time of the year, I've made our home a hard candy-only zone. They are a lot safer than cookies and chocolate for me, and I can still offer guests a treat that I can live around. I like root beer barrels, myself. When I wasn't being careful, the holidays made me very vulnerable to binge eating, I can't say I was perfect this year either. I had a moment of insanity in letting Belgian chocolate cookies in the house. It was a mistake,and I got rid of them ASAP and reaffirmed the "just hard candy" rule. Just yesterday some well-meaning friend offered me a gift of a glass tree jar with a 1/2 pound of m&ms in it! Because of my time reading on this site, I had the strength to re-gift it as soon as possible. Ok, there was 5 m&ms missing but over all not too bad. Thank you for writing your distraction list, I'm inspired to start my own!

welcome to the site, hun!
and thanks so much for replying to my post :slight_smile:

and with you knowing how chocolate can trigger you, well done for giving those m&ms away right away, actually well done for at least eating a few, and even without bingeing!! that’s amazing :slight_smile:

i think with me spending time at my parents i don’t want to tell them what they should have in their house end even if they did want to do it (they probably would did i only ask, lol) they were already given like a whole cart of cookies and chocolates :slight_smile:

but i will think about it for next year!!

anyway, hope you’re having a great time despite all hardships!

lots of love and merry xmas!
maedi

noble sin

im eagerly waiting your distraction list as well, its such a good idea,

and the strength u have shown is amazing

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

update:

it's already the 26th here and i've managed to neither b/p nor self injure, and actually without too much difficulty. no freaking out whatsoever. (and it makes me wonder why can't/couldn't i do this other times?)

but the main test now comes today, with the WHOLE family and looooaaaaads of food and no activity! but i think somehow ill be ok-ish. will take the laptop so that i can vent to you lot :-) and have my wellies to may stomp around in the snow for a bit!

let me know how you lovelies all get on!!

lots of hugs and strength for you!
maedi

Maedi, I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. I know the holidays are hard on us all, especially when food in in count. I have some issues with food myself and I try not to eat all day then I eat that one time during the day and binge binge binge! You can't keep candy at our house or I'll devour it, and the holidays make it even worse with all the holiday fudge and what not. It seems so easy for some but for us there is no moderation. I'm so proud of you for seeing it through and making your list. You've done excellent sweetheart! Please vent all you need to we are listening! Keep up the positive energy!

much love and light
soulkiss

Maedi...you yourself a precedent now....how can you continue on this path to NOT resort to B/P? You mentioned earlier about why you 'needed' it, but why do you NOT need it?
What can you have in your life if you make room by taking out the B/P?
Just because the option is now available, YOU get to choose whether you act on it.
I hope you choose to fight the ED!! Thinking of you..Jan ♥

MAEDI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!

Firstly - I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO proud of you!!! We are so doing this together!!! Christmas was also hard for me with the triggers around but guess what? I did it too!!! It's been a while for me now without B/P - just over 3 weeks - it's getting easier and easier!!!

Use positive energy - perhaps start looking at new cats to get? I've recently taken up knitting (!!!), I'm enjoying reading a lot! Music - dancing!!! I still believe in you so much - you CAN do this Maedi - you're on the right path - every step is a step in the right direction!!! You're doing it Maedi - trust yourself, believe in yourself!!! and more importantly...smile...you've done SO well!!!

We can do this!!!

XX

thank you so much again.

soulkiss, have you ever looked into those eating habits more clearly? do you know why you eat this way?

jan, you're as always very right. i should more look into reasons for giving up ED. i know im scared of it cause i dont wanna face my own demons, my emotions.

H, thank u so much for your faith.and congrats urself!! this i just amazing. you'll defo be starting that new year strong :-) as for new things to do, i really should freshen up my french!!!!

xxxxxx

Ive been diagnosed with an eating disorder NOS. I use it as a control in my life and to punish and self sacrifice. I use it when i'm angry or sad, really it's just a coping skill i use for most things, by controlling my food i control my environment and the way that I look. I like myself better when I don't eat, when I do and I binge I feel horrible and stupid. So I guess it's really all about how much control i have in my life when everything else is out of control. Thanks for asking, it's trully nice to know someone cares to ask.

love and light
soulkiss

soulkiss, do you not think it adds to your low feelings, actually adding extra pressure? is it something you would want to change?

xxx

Maedi it's quite possible it aids in some of my low feelings because when i feel low i take it out on myself. I'm at a healthier weight right now but it dosen't make me happy. I really don't think it's something i want to change even if I know i should. Life is too out of control for me right now that i need that something to hold onto just in case. I know I should stop and just be happy with myself but the mirror tells me differently and i can't stand not being in control of my weight. My husband and everyone tries to get me to eat and they know i'll feel guilty because i don't like to waste things so I eat for them, but when i'm alone I starve myself and i'm ok with that. The meds I'm on is causing me some weight gain and it's pumping up my anxiety over control. It's like a security blanket I guess and i need it to keep going.

thanks meadi for caring I truly appreciate your quesstions and concerns

much love
soulkiss