So today I was talking with my friends about boys. And I wanted to be a normal girl but I couldn't. I kept thinking, "wow you are saying this stuff, and lying. When you come out they'll be surprised."and then sexuality came up in the conversation, not sure why. Oh right, we were talking about Trump, or the Catholic Church or something. I'm not going to share my views all I will say is that I 100% support gay marriage because love is love, in my opinion. And my views alone scare me. Anyway my friend, who I have the false crush on said, "isn't everyone bisexual?" And I said "I don't think anyone is 100% either way." And I realize that maybe I'm right about that, but it's hard to think about. Why do I have such a bad false crush on her? As I read that I cringed. I'm not sure what's going on. Maybe it's because I'm allowing myself to become closer to these two girls? Maybe I was always distancing myself without even being aware. I do a lot of checking and the thing is she is pretty so it kind of makes me uncomfortable. We get along. But that doesn't mean I like her. I feel like my sexuality is just a blank slate. Hmm, another thing is that my friend had a lot of crushes on boys in elementary school every grade. And I only have in kindergarten, fourth, fifth. Of course I doubt that it was a crush. Idk idk. the funny thing is that I doubt my good experiences but that one summer where I experimented I remember clear as freaking day. Maybe I am fooling myself. Maybe. Or maybe I should just accept that it's OCD and get better. Why am I holding myself back?? Maybe because I have such low self esteem, I don't love myself. I'm not pretty enough, or my hair isn't right, or I'm just plain hating on my body. And then other days I'm obsessing of I'm asexual, or trans, or if I even have a gender. We'll see. Anyway I didn't mean to write this much but I had to get this off my chest yah no? I did get carried away though. Thanks guys. xx
I'm going through the exact same thing minus feeling trans I've always had dirt low self esteem and the whole 9 u said something that really resignated with me you said you remember having certain crushes way in kindergarten me to maybe it's the lack of love we have for ourselves that's made us get to this point for example imagine if you had the most confidence in the world who would you pursue..... like before hocd have you ever felt not good enough for someone u kinda liked of the opposite sex even if it was just a passing thought
@Ericthomas I mean I was just always self conscious, starting from probably 4th grade. I do feel bad about myself and I never felt good enough for anyone. But of course I can’t remember my crushes because I keep telling myself they never happened. I think it probably my confidence level but it’s hard to lift myself back up. Especially dealing with this now.
You know what, as I've gotten older, I've realized that no matter what we look like, no matter our weight, our hair colour, our body shape... We will always find something we don't like about ourselves. It wouldn't even matter if we looked like super models, we'd find something wrong with ourselves. Everyone feels like this way about themselves, and people are so focused on themselves, they don't notice or even care about your flaws... But if they do, it's only a reflection of their own insecurities. Instead of focusing on the things you don't like about yourself, find the features you do like about yourself. Also, looks only last so long and only get you so far.... Personality keeps people around and a good personality makes a person beautiful... It radiates through! It's hard to think about people not being 100℅ gay or straight because as a person with ocd, you want to be 100% straight... You don't want any gray areas... At least I find the gray area intolerable. If we didn't have ocd, we wouldn't even think about a gray area existing. We would just be like "I'm straight and that's all I need to know!" Questioning and doubting is a big big component of ocd. It's fitting that ocd is called the doubting disease and we doubt the very diagnosis of ocd itself! Today, in Canada, it's national mental health awareness day and I have all these people on my facebook posting about having anxiety and depression... And I'm here like I can't post anything because my disorder makes me doubt I even have a disorder... Not that I want to post about having ocd... I just thought it was ironic!
@Bria869 It is ironic!! But I love awareness days, and I love that people can post about it without feeling ashamed. I wish we could :(. And even so, if I wasn’t in doubt, if I said anything people wouldn’t understand and jump to that conclusion of being gay. But I mean my self image was never good. I can remember this, in fourth grade I was about 48 pounds and I would stand in the mirror and squeeze my stomach and look at myself and just see fat. And I was like that through like 6th grade and I still am. I’m a teenager and I weigh about 84-85 pounds. And it was hard growing up watching myself gain weight. Even now I would never let myself get over 85, and I love losing. I wouldn’t say I have an eating disorder because I mean i eat normally. Maybe tendencies. And now I always tell myself, “you’re so annoying. You could never date him, he’s too popular for you. You’re the friend no one likes as much as they like each other. You’re ugly and you’ll never be as pretty as the other girls. No one likes you. You’re mean, who wants you around anyway?” And at least once a month I am so mean to myself I cry myself to sleep because it’s all so true. And no one knows I feel like that. I can’t even stay home alone because my anxiety won’t let me. I’m afraid someone is in the house. I’ve tried, and I sit there at the front door with like a knife waiting to escape. And you’re right, if I was the prettiest person ever I’d see something wrong. But my personality sucks. I can’t make friends because of my social anxiety. I spend all my time wondering if that person in the hall is laughing at me. And I feel like if I got a diagnosis I’d say stuff like, “well what if I explained it wrong? What if I left something out?” Sorry I didn’t mean to dump that all on you. Thank you. xx