People meet me and tell me that I am kind, beautiful, hardworking, and smart. I tell them that people who have been in relationship have felt otherwise.They push me to let them get closer to me and tell me that they are different from the people in my past. Then I let them down in some way. Then they abandon me or start being abusive and I run away.
Now a therapist tells me that I have BPD. I agree that the symptoms fit. So that means that I idealize what they are telling me and then I drive them away?!!??? I just can't take this!!!
I just don't want to be close to anyone anymore. But if I am going to be lonely for my whole life and NEVER be able to have a healthy adult relationship...what is the point?
Hello there! If you have been diagnosed with BPD, this means that now you can find ways to work through this and get the appropriate medical guidance and treatment. I have a close friend who has BPD and she lives a very healthy and happy life, she is also getting married in a couple of months. I know that you will have a very full and happy life.
Hey Me and BPD, I have BPD too and I completely relate to what you are saying. It's part of our illness, we are so efficient at hiding it, trying to be perfect until we do let someone get close and then BAM they get all of our "crazy" at once. And at first we adore them because they are just so great but one slip up or misunderstanding and we hate them. This drives me crazy. I notice I always have a plan B or escape route in my relationships.
But puppy is right, you can have meaningful and healthy relationships. It takes time but with a little mindfulness and dedication you can do it! For me a big problem is I disclose EVERYTHING even when we first meet. And then I get angry when they think they "know" me and can boss me around or judge me.(this is my biggest problem I think) so I work to pace what I tell people and remember that there is a lot of stuff that most people don't get to know. I'm here for you.
Hello; Thank you for sharing your story and your frustrations. Your diagnosis does NOT define who you are. it is a direction so that you know what map to read. Let yourself be angry and frustrated those are emotions and never wrong. But move through it, You don't have anything wrong with you, it is a characteristic of who you are!! Please know that by saying move through it, I in NO WAY mean "get over it." What I mean is to view it as part of you and nothing to be ashamed of. Hang in there and you are loved for who you are and all the characteristics that includes. We all can become better people and learn and grow!!! I just recently found this website and find that sometimes just writing out my frustrations is incredbily helpful and then as an added bonus receiving encourgement and support. Take care of you and I believe that you can take this and become a great advocate for others who come along after you and you will be able to provide wisdom and encouragement to them as well. Each time we go through something, as painful and "sucky" (sorry lack of intelligent words at the moment.. LOL) as it may be to go through it, just think of how great it will be to say to another... I've been there!
I thanks each of you so much for the support. I know that you are correct. I am going to move through this. I began studying mindfulness several years ago. After more than 30 years of therapy, medication and support groups, I discovered it helped more than anything else. Today I realize that the universe brought it to me to prepare for really dealing with my core issues. And that time is now, thank goodness.
WISDOM
The "freak out" over this diagnosis is a result of my perfectionism. I am a childhood abuse survivor and remain terrified of other people's anger. I think that if I am perfect, my loved ones will never be mad at me. When they are, I judge them to be cruel. Even my father was (probably) just a unhappy person trying to deal with an unwanted pregnancy (me), a forced marriage (1950's mentality), and a hypersensitive child (me). Maybe he was not the monster I experienced. And my poor mother, who I realize now probably had BPD also, was just unable to protect me. They chose unskillfull ways of dealing with my impulsiveness(willfullness, in my father's mind) and hypersensitivity(drama queen, in many people's minds.)
Hi all...and Me and BPD,
The biggest thing about my BPD is the feeling of isolation....because, like you, Me and BPD, I feel that if I reach out that I will be taken advantage of again...and again...and again.
I am learning a little bit to see the red flags....but I got a ways to go. I grew up not allowed to have boundaries (saying no!)....so it is unfamiliar to me to see the red flags in life that a lot of people see.
One time, a number of yrs ago, I had a, what I guess you could call a "waking dream"...a picture in my head...a vision... about what in the world was wrong with me!? I had been praying that I would have some understanding......anyway, I am more of a visual learner....
I "saw" a farmhouse with the front door completely wide open...it had a front yard with a picket fence with the front gate wide open as well. Then there was an inner play area with a bigger fence that stretched around all of that yard with it's gate wide open...and then an inner pasture with another fence further out that went around too, with its gate wide open as well. Then past that an outer pasture and the animals were coming in thru all the gates to whatever they wanted to go...and I saw that they were going in and out of the house whenever they wanted pooping where ever they wanted.
I saw myself standing there with the feeling of being helpless....because I was never taught and given the example of setting boundaries. I was never taught that it was ok to close the front door and only openning it up when I CHOSE to...as well as the other gates that represented the various areas of my life.
Anyway, I am 53 now and still learning this stuff....sigh....
elabela
Dear elabela
I am 51. Can I give you a big cyber-hug? (You can say no) :)
Thank you so much for your post. I am here when you need to talk it out.
I really like your visualization. I feel that way too (what you said about "myself standing there with the feeling of being helpless....because I was never taught and given the example of setting boundaries. I was never taught that it was ok to close the front door and only openning it up when I CHOSE to...as well as the other gates that represented the various areas of my life.")
I am good at shallow friendships where I never let them see that I am mentally ill. But I feel isolated and unloved and more importantly, FAKE! like a plastic Barbie. I can't really feel the love of my loved ones because I "know" that they are only loving that False Plactic Me!!! Then I lose control of me "real" self and cause chaos and destruction...then I panic and run away. And start the cycle over and over again
Are you under a dr.'s care?...taking meds?....going to support groups? Tell me how I can support you. If I am able, I will. I will be seen for meds soon. Hopefully that will stop some of this crazy thinking. I will also start Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Have you had any experience with this or any meds that work?
Hang in there. My philosophy is "If at first you don't succeed..you are just about average. So Just Keep Swimming!"
Hi Me&BPD!!
I appreciate your response!! Well, I am under a Dr's care and take Effexor...and started a DBT group but that particular one I was in was just not for me. I would like to find another one, so I am hoping they are not all run the same way.
Effexor, for me, works great. Of course the life patterns don't really change as those I think come thru learning different ways to respond. But it is hard...cause just like a fish doesn't know its wet, cause it has never known anything but water and has always lived in water...it knows only that way to live....I have only known making the choices I've made...and not seeing the red flags that come up...and etc.
Well....I will chat again soon....
Take care,
elabela