So...women

Mental Health Self-Harm & Suicidal Thoughts
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1

Im going through another painful breakup, and I'm a little beyond furious. I've had trouble trusting women before. Ive been lied to, cheated on and used for years. I've been depressed because of it forever now, and I have a lot of trouble believing the girls I date. I have a lot of insecurities from past relationships, depression from a terrible childhood, and anger at myself for letting myself get into this position...

I've had a lot of trouble dealing with girls since high school. I'm 18, and I'm a virgin. I've been dating this girl for almost a year, and...well, recently things have been bad. I think I may have been dating her recently only because, lik me, she is also a virgin. I have a problem dating girls who have...well, been around the block. I have a lot of insecurities, like I said, and I don't even remotely consider accepting the fact that a girl could judge me about that, or compare me to her exes. If she did, I don't know what I would do...

I don't know what to do now. I hate being single...more than I hate being a virgin. I just don't know what to do...

2

First of all, I'd really like to give you a hug.

Break-ups and women are not easy in general. I can totally relate with the childhood, trust issues, insecurities, anger etc. I know the ins and outs of those fairly well.
Judging, comparing, viewing is in human nature, it just up to you to realize that there is no one else like you and that lady who wants you for you will come around.
You're eighteen, you still have a lifetime to figure out who you are and find who you'd like to be with. All the issues you are dealing with can be overcame. You sound a lot like me, abandonment issues? I feel ya.
Look at it this way-
You are your own person. Someone will find you for the good that's inside you and disregard any physical features or problems you may have. She will help you with it, and make you see the light of day.
It's a matter of time, and time is the hardest game to play. In the end, efforts and patience will be more than worth it.
Being single sucks, but you so have to rely on yourself more than anyone else. Keep your head up. Any girl that breaks up with you doesn't deserve to be with you. Any girl who causes you heart wrench for the simplest things, doesn't need to be in your life. You can always do better until better isn't enough to suffice and you WILL know when that is.
Keep smiling no matter what. Breath as always.
Everything happens for a reason, and everything will work out how it should in the end. The journey may be painful, but remember to make it always worth it.
An by the way, being a virgin at eighteen..I give you major props for that. I admire you for that actually. In no way is that a bad thing.

3

I stumbled on this thinking it was from someone older, but after reading it I see you are just 18- can I give you some fatherly advise?

First if you were my son- [and I have an 18 year old BTW who has not even dated yet. He is shy beyond his deserving due to a speech impediment that he thinks people look down on him for.] If you were my son I would tell you to give yourself a huge break- your seeing and hearing things that are probably 1/2 true- guys your age make up stories or exaggerate, so stop thinking you've been left out of the club.

I told my son the best advise I could give him is to make his own reality and ignore the other idiots. He wanted to play rugby in high school but there was no team, so I helped him start one- it was a great project and he has new friends from it and a better self image. He is in college now and frustrated that he isn't meeting people with his interests [besides sports] so I said then start a group.

You guys have all the tools today to do this- set up an interest group on Facebook and invite others- have them invite others- but be sure to keep it local so you can ultimately do things "live" and not in virtual space. THIS is where your new girl friend should come from.

To the young lady- great advise and i am very sorry for your pain. I met and married a woman who was raped at 12 so I know how hard it is for you- she made a decision to go ahead with her life and not let evil win. Don't let evil win.

i will add you 2 to my prayers this weekend and hope God gives you strength.

4

Oh my goodness, sir. Your advice to him even helped me!
Thank you so much. Throwing the evil away is the only thing to do, really. It’s hard, it really is…but never will it control me.
Cheers, have a wonderful weekend, my friend.

5

Why does it have to take so long?

6

It’s life, love.
It’s nothing but a big journey and time is the rule. Time gives you space for you to channel you pain, think, realize and understand anything from actions to emotions. It’s the way you manage your time. Patience is a virtue. Think of it as stepping stones. Each one gets you closer to your final destination- happiness.
You, yourself have to hold on to what little part of your motivation and effort is left, in time that will build.
Believe me, if I could speed up time or slow it down, I’d use it in the most selfish manner. It’s just not fair like that.
This is your life. Your task. Take control.

-Also, something that I found to be very hard is going outside of my comfort zone. Try it, it opens new doors, no matter how scary they are it’s always nice to experience new perspective.
I believe in you. Believe in yourself.

7

How can I learn to trust again? Not just with women, but with everyone...trust has always been hard for me, and now days I don't really trust anyone. Only 2 people in the whole world. Used to be three...but now she's gone. :(

8

Trust is a hard thing earned. Always start in baby steps. Build up a wall and make sure no one gets in, only time will tell who should be let in. You need to be the judge of that, but just be cautious.
In life, I’ve found it easier to trust less people than more, that leaves room for not getting hurt. Smaller the better. You learn to accept people, and make sure they accept you. It doesn’t work with just one side, both have to play their parts.
Just keep your head up, love. Don’t give up.

9

Young man. let me try to give you 2 answrs.

1) Why does it take so long? Let me ask you this-- if you had to sit through the same movie over and over, do you think after maybe the 10th time it would seem really looooooog. Like lets get this over with long? Ever see the movie groundhog day? Your sitting through the same "movie" with your life right now- change theaters man. get a new look at things- do some road trips.

The only way to break up this feeling of dread and things going on too long is with something NEW.

Have you ever considered getting involved with a volunteer thing, like habitat for humanity or local clubs? Type your city and "hiking" [for instance] into a search engine and I bet you find 2-3 clubs who always welcome new members.

2) Trust- there is a great expression from William Shakespeare- “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.”

You will probably never have more than a handful of people you can truly trust in your live for MOST of your life- so stop making that a deal breaker on yourself. Love those who you have now and some time another, then another will come along.

Getting your feelings hurt or down right stabed in the back is what we call this human experience. Be trustworth to someone else and get to understand how it feels to be trusted before you worry alot about finding other syou can trust.

I have to go now- but my advice is get off the computer, get out in the community and let the next girl find you. The people around you now will be a faided memory in a few years,but what you accomplish in the next few years won't be. You need to take some risks and stop worrying about failing or who comments- it doesn't mean crap in the end- only you being happy matters.

PS- talk to God, he'll listen. I used to doubt that but I have had too many miracles- little ones - come along I never expected.

10

^This gentleman is couldn’t of said it better.
I’d like to add something in really quick, I don’t want to take away from his post, but I thought I would add this in.

I personally don’t really believe in a higher being, you may or may not. Although, I have found talking out when no one is around, when no one is listening, it’s just you and your consciousness, helps a lot. I just view it as talking to something that isn’t there, that way not only am I protected, but I wont be judged. Now, I am agnostic, so I really have no clue about “God(s)” and I wouldn’t mind if there really was one. It wouldn’t hurt talking out either way.
It’s just nice once in awhile.

You have all the power you need to make things happen. You just need to self reflect, find it and use it in moderation.

11

You have to let go of your anger, hate, any bad feelings. Also u are young and should b having fun.. U need time to yourself.. This can be good. U learn about yourself. Date have fun once u are ready... u will find someone as long as u feel good and don't chase it. It may seem hard but always thinking negative and holding on to old feelings will only bring exactly that.

12

Ok first im gonna haveta say your a minority already just by being a nice guy. I havent met very many of those. Met alot of ahole users. For some stupid reason I keep trying even though I get repeadly hurt. I wish those jerks knew how much and how hard I cried. How bad I felt abt myself, all the misery they caused.
I had a horrid childhood too, when you grow up learning you cant trust or rely on your own Parents it makes trusting other ppl very hard. Im just working on getting over a divorce and I started dating again been hurt again several times too. I finally came to the conclusion that its inevitable , if your going to date and not live in a cave in Tibet then your GONNA get hurt. All you can do is be cautious and hopefor the best. I met a man I really like and I want him more than anyone in the world and I am so afraid he's just playin me. I dont really trust him, I want to but knowing the pain losing him will cause im afraid. Im trying to tell myself that I should just enjoy what time I get with him and not ruin it by being patanoid somedays I can do that most days i cant. Its no way to live. Try to understand and accept that She wasnt the One for you and the next 10 prolly wont be either. But each girl will be different and special in her own way , ppl are like gifts and they leave you with something like a puzzle piece and as life puts those pieces together ....It forms the picture that is You. how do you want that pic to look in 60 years ? Dont you want it to be full of interesting, exciting things ? Rich with color and pattern ? I think you do, so tuck her piece into its proper place look at it occasionally with fondness mby a touch of sadness but move on to find the next piece. at your age there are so many wonderful possibilites ahead. The dark peices are just for shading and to make the bright ones stand out better ;) Have you thought abt dateing someone older ? A girl w more sense and maturity ? You dont sound like the typical imature 18 yr old. Oh and the virginity thing theres NOTHING wrong w that ! Its a choice you made so good for you and who cares what choice other ppl made ? If you chose not to sleep around than that is what is right for you ! And thats ALL that matters. If I could go back and choose when to lose my virginity knowing what I know now I would have Waited !!! ( im 45 now) do what you feel is right for you, your instincts wont stear you wrong but other ppls attitudes and mouthy remarks likely will. They dont have to live w your decision but you do. If you meet a girl who isnt a virgin dont discount her the right girl would be ok w your choice and respect it ! Good luck and im sorry you got hurt hang in there .

13

But it's not my choice. It's never been my choice. If I could make it, I would've gotten rid of it a long time ago. It just gets in the way. As for the nice guys thing, I hate being a nice guy. We don't get crap, and that worries me cuz what if I can't find another girl? I know it sounds stupid, but it's true. Girls only date those moronic douche bags. Guys like me are the best friends who have to clean up the emotional mess those guys leave behind, just so she can turn around and make the same mistake again. It's happened to me too many times to remember, and it's depressing. Which is why most nice guys try to be assholes, and over achieve at it. I personally, hate being the nice guy. I'd get further pretending to be their gay best friend. I'm sorry if I'm ranting. I'm way p*ssed at the moment. Came home at 4am, just to realize the highlight of the week was going to wal mart with my manager, ex manager, and a coworker, none of which are women, then came home to a house full of people. That really set me off cuz then everything ran through my mind. Im almost 19, still a virgin, have o girlfriend, have no time for a social life, my car isn't even in my name, I don't even have a mother f*cking bed to sleep in...I f*cking hate my life sometimes.

On top of all tht, now I'm angry at my exes again, and at myself, cuz if they had never found out I was a virgin, then they wouldn't have had a reason to say no, and I wouldn't be one today. But I'm one of the "nice guys" and said "I can't lie to her..." and f*cking spilled the beans and so, just because of that, they REFUSED to touch me. BECAUSE IM A VIRGIN! Like,for real? Your gonna say I'm not ready? Your gonna tell me when I can? It's mine to get rid of, so let ME decide! And here's a real downer for ya, the only girlfriend of mine who understood that last part, about it being MY decision, turned out to. Be one of those "if you leave me, I'll cut myself" kind of girls. Talk about no self esteem? It's a bloody miracle I even had the nerve to ask out this last girl. I'm so tired of it. If they aren't crazy, they think they can make that decision for me. If they don't think that, then they use me and/or cheat on me...there's a great thought...I love it when they accuse me of cheating too...all I can say in reply is "m a virgin. If I was cheating, it would be because she's putting out, and you arent. And I wouldn't cheat, because I'd leave you for her." and yea, sometimes I feel like being that shallow. Apparently, shallow is what girls want, because being the nice guy is obviously love-life suicide. I think I've EARMED the right to be shallow. Bt I never will be. Ya know why? Because someday I'm gonna go to my high school reunion and laugh at everyone there. When I graduated, smething like 7 senior girls were pregnant, and I don't even remember the number of fathers. It's gonna be really nice to point and laugh. Make fun of me in high school? Guess who's makin more money than you could even dream of? Guess who has a life they can be proud of?

I sorry...that's not me. I don't do those things. Pus, I'm stuck being a cop for the rest of my life, so I'll see most of them between now and then anyways...that WILL be where I'm laughing.

And I'm sorry for the rant and the mean stuf I've said. I'm very angry this morning, and I really don't know if working tonight is a good idea, cu I'm not a people person. I deliver pizzas for a living, nd I hate our customers, the people on the roads, and most of my coworkers. They're all idiots, and all they talk about at work is sex...I don't like being around when they talk about that stuff. I never took an anatomy class or a health class, and that's part of the reason o hate the thought of losing my virginity, because I'm the stereotypical virgin. No idea what to expect, and no clue what to do. I hate my life so much sometimes.

14

Sweetie…BREATH!
I totally understand where you’re coming from and believe me, I feel the exact way at times. I know that some of the wonders you have right now may not seem realistic, but you do need to understand that it is only one step at a time. Life is full of twists and turns, opportunistic, etc.
Do you know how many girls are out there? Honestly…there’s so many. Don’t even wonder if you’ll find her or not, because chances are that you will. You’re still young and a have a long life right in front of you.
You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.
Nice guys like you, eventually get girls like me who are waiting hand and foot to finally have someone enter our lives that are a number of things that I can tell that you poses. Don’t give up. That’s the single most worse thing that you can do. It’s not worth it and wont make you happy. Let her come to you, the waiting game pays off. It really does.
Don’t let your ex’s or heartbreak get to you. The past is the past and none of them deserve you. Don’t let them manipulate you into thinking differently. Being shallow is good in a LOT of ways. You deserve better girls than that, way better. I promise you, you will find that Ms. Perfect.
I really enjoyed your rant, I’ve had a pretty shitty day too. So, no worries. I totally feel you.
You just need to learn to breath, learn not to care about anything other than yourself, but maintain the nice guy in you.
Like I said before, everything always works out how it should and for a reason.

15

It may seem hard to believe but not all girls are like that. One day you're going to meet a girl that wants to be with you no matter what you tell her. If you start being a douche then she might pass you by. I know I shouldn't talk I've dated nothing but douchebags and whores but that's because they seemed very nice at first. I didn't know what I was getting into. I'm looking too. I know how much it sucks being alone. I wake up every day and get sad for a few minutes because there's no one there with me before I paint on a smile and leave my room for the day. On here is really the only time I'm honest about anything. No one but my exes and the people they broadcasted it too even know I have a mental problem. Now I'm the one ranting I'm sorry. The point is it does get better. It hasn't for me either yet but I believe it will someday. We meet a lot of people before we die and one of them is bound to be everything we ever dreamed of and more. I hope you don't give up hope and I hope your day get's better. Try not to get so mad at them they only can talk about themselves because that's all they have experience with. Being a cop is admirable and something to be proud of. Don't write it off yet.

16

I can't paste the smile on my face one more day. It's all I can do to get out of my theoretical bed anymore. I'm so...just exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, and now physically exhausted...

17

Pasting a smile is hard, I’ve been doing it every day of my life. Pretty sure I’ve forgotten how to sincerely smile.
Breathe…it takes time. This seriously will NOT last forever. I’m speaking out of experience. Both going through and witnessing it. I have episodes like this all the time. More often than not, sadly.
Take some serious time to yourself, love. Reflect on the things that make you the slightest bit happy. Something that has always been there. Girls aren’t an answer.
Try milk shakes, those make me smirk.
You can get through this, I know you will.

18

If I couldn't post here and meet an get advice from people like you, I wouldn't be here right now...

19

Well guess what? You have me. I’m very glad you’re not gone.
I’m always a message away if you have further questions, advice, support, or even someone to talk to.
I hope you know that. You’re strong, stay that way.
I hate people and no one should matter but yourself.

20

I hope you know you can do the same.