Here are some suggestions for improving interpersonal effectiveness, paraphrased from articles by the creator and author of DBT, Marsha Linehan (all in the public domain).
· In relationships:
Don’t let hurts and problems build up. Examples? How can you prevent problems from getting worse? Resolve conflicts before they get overwhelming. End hopeless relationships.
· Dealing with priorities and demands:
If you feel overwhelmed, reduce or put off low-priority demands. How can you set priorities more effectively? Ask others for help; say no when necessary. Recognize when you are having difficulty saying no. Try to create some structure.
Balancing needs and preferences:
What are the things you do because you ‘want’ to? What are the things you do because you ‘should’? Do you feel these are out of balance in your life? If others don’t seem to value your priorities, you will want to work on getting your opinions taken seriously (communicate more effectively).
To reorder your priorities, you may want to get others to do things. Examples? You may value your free time enough to pay someone to do housework or yardwork, or take a pay cut to shed some job responsibilities. Perhaps you can share resources with others (for day care, for example). And you can learn to say no to unwanted requests.
Interpersonal effectiveness often involves getting others to do things for you, which may seem rude or bossy. But learning to assert your self can be a key practice in attaining sobriety or changing other unhealthy behaviors. Why? Because peer pressure is a major obstacle to abstinence and change. You can change your thinking, communicate more effectively, stay true to your values, and learn to recognize your competence. Then you can say ‘yes’ when you want to, and mean ‘no’ when you say it.
Exercise: try to think of recent situations where you have allowed others to set your schedule or make commitments for you when you had other preferences.
· accepted statements of beliefs with which you disagreed without expressing your opinion.
· changed your behavior to suit someone else’s preference, even though it bothered you to do so.
Write a description of one such situation. Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Describe a more desirable outcome. Roleplay (write the dialogue if you are alone) what you could have said differently: how you could have asserted yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Describe beliefs or fears you have about that scenario, and dispute those beliefs one by one.
