Someone please

Brace yourself,

I'm a 16 year old girl. My names Emily. And right now, i want to dissapear. I haven't been okay in a long time. To shorten it, i was with a guy a year and a half ago. And it was intense. He was 2 years older and it was more than i could handle. Plans, futures, promises, everything. While it was going on, i became selfish..greedy...wrong. I was scared of being alone, without him. That same year, i met my bestfriend, Tom. We were both freshmen in a new school. He saw me as beautiful from the moment he met me. And that shocked me. I guess race has always been a issue to me. All my life i've been made fun of for being asian. Sometimes i feel like it's wrong to be me, and i most certainly know that guys aren't interested in me because of it. But he defied all the odds of course. And charmed his way into my life. And before i knew it, i was falling for him. At first he seemed average. Just any other guy. He told me how we saw me though, he thought i was one of those pretty popular girls. The kind he'd never get because he was just a nerdy bum. I was his dream girl. So we went on like that from then on out. Flirting and playing girlfriend-boyfriend while i tried to salvage my ongoing relationship with my current boyfriend. In the end it didn't work out and it ended. It was the hardest thing for me to cope with, but even though that ended, my bestfriend was still there for me. At that point, of course i knew i didn't want anything but my ex. So one night i told him, he needed to stop paying for me all the time, he needed to stop doing all these things because i wasn't his girlfriend. That someone else deserved it, not me. It wasn't fair to him. After that i told him i wasn't ready to be with him, and i don't know if i ever would be. That past summer of 2010 was the hardest time for me. We drifted as friends and didn't see each other as much. by that time i'd convinced myself that i was over him. And i believed i was. All i worried about from then on was the old ex. Until the end of the summer was when i realized i still had feelings for Tom. He had found a girlfriend that lived in California. And i didn't realize my jealousy until it happened. After a while that ended. And we got close again. And he was there for me like he had always been. That's the point where we felt the same again. School was going to start again, and he asked me out. The first few times, i denied him. Why? i can't even remember. But we ended up together. And he was the sweetest most amazing guy i'll ever know. He's the kind of guy who acts in this old-fashioned gentleman way. He's the kind of guy who will jump over a puddle when we're walking together, turn around and lift me over. He's the best. And i ruined it. And i'm paying for it everyday. Hes the one man who made me feel like his princess. And i took that for granted. I didn't learn my lesson from my past boyfriend. I did everything to try and shift it into everything me and my old boyfriend did. But i knew i shouldn't. It was just....comfortable, what i thought i wanted. But it wasn't. I gave up everything. Lost all my friends. Centered my life around one person and had nothing but that. And we were too serious. Too committed. Not even enjoying ourselves. I asked for so much that i didn't even want. And he always thought he could never make me happy. I've been depressed all my life. And i guess gifts and nice things would show me love and it didn't. I became a terrible selfish person, and there are times when i ask myself why i have to be this way. Why i have to want this one guy all to myself. Why i want him to only care about me. Only love me. Only want to spend time with me. Devote everything to me. I hate this. After 6 months, it ended. And i hate feeling this way, but all i could feel when it ended was.. "how" just how..? I guess it shocked me this one guy, how made me feel like an unobtainable treasure just threw me away. After he broke up with me, we still acted like we were together. But we fought a lot. Because i wanted more. But i didn't take the time to show him how much i love him. I was wrong. I was awful. I made mistakes. And between now and two months ago when this happened, we would have days when he'd do things i always wished for. As soon as i think it's hopeless. He turns it right around. There used to be times where i went in to kiss him and he'd turn his head away from me and say "no, not right now". And then as soon as i'm thinking, about our last kiss, he'll come with a new one and sweep me off my feet. We fight alot now though. and i'm positive i've lost him. We fight and he has nothing to say anymore. I try and try to tell him how i'm feeling. How i miss him all the time. How i just wish he'd come back. But now we're different. I feel like i've lost my bestfriend. My person. What i'm scared of most, is that people will blame this on my adolescence. That "don't worry sweetie, it'll pass" but its more than that. He acts like a monster to me now, and i don't recognize him. I wonder how men do that, and change on you so fast. But it happens. Between now and then he tells me some days he wants me and others he doesn't. That is truly terrifying. But it's become an abusive cycle. And now i'm angry all the time. I'm angry at the way he talks to me. The way he has nothing to say when i give my heart and soul. How he seems emotionless and i'm not longer a priority. I've adjusted to most of the change. But now i'm hurting and too focused on how he feels about me, because i don't know. He changed and i changed too. I am now self destructive to myself. I get so angry that i beat myself. i break furniture and scream at the top of my lungs. Thins i'd never do, and it horrifies me. I don't have anyone to go to. And it's the hardest thing to talk to him and what i hurt about. Because when i feel badly about the breakup...i need to know not only is he my bestfriend. but he is the ex. I feel he hates me. He tells me at my most desperate times that he doesn't want to deal with me. That i piss him off and annoy him whenever i try to say anything. I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid of my words because he'll say something that will hurt and we'll fight. I feel speechless and now i am. Sometimes i call and just sit there silent because i lost my train of thought. It's hard to say what im thinking because it sounds juvenile and meaningless. But i means so much more. I drive myself crazy with my thoughts, and they all contradict each other. About a week ago i lost it. because he met someone new. And i'm paranoid about it every second. Wondering if she's beautiful like i'm not. Better than me. Than i ever can be. The jealousy burns. and kills. That night he left me alone, and i sat on the sidewalk in front of a busy street at 3 am wanting to just run out. It's not just the relationship. Its the feeling of loneliness. The feeling that he was all i had and now its gone. I feel betrayed and forgotten. Every morning i have the same eerie foreign feeling i've had forever. A feeling of bad. A physical bad that makes my whole body hurt. i feel like i lost him forever. And all my dreams are gone. He never wants me around. And he says and does everything that compromises what he tells me. But he tells me he'll always love me the same way he always has and that it'll never be over. And those are terrible things for me to believe in even if they bring me comfort. I'm a teenager with the mind of a 25 year-old so this doesn't seem childish to me. I need someone who can relate and comfort me. I need help.

I need a friend. A real one.

At this time it is very healthy for you to let it go. Also it will be good for you to talk to someone that you can trust and hear their opinion, maybe someone at school. Do not be hard on yourself, time will help you to clear your mind. Think about your future, what you have to accomplish and to be helpful to others. Say a prayer and ask God to help you and guide you. Stay strong and God bless you.

hi Emily, just to let you know someone is listening. Wow, sounds like you are really alone with no one you can talk to. I hope posting your story brought some relief. This is a great place to get it all out of your head and look at it on paper. Sounds like you really need to know that you are a smart, worthwhile person but have not had a lot of support in your life. Is there no one around that you trust that you can talk to? And no, you don't sound juvenile, a lot of us have experienced such agonizing relationships.

Keep posting whenever you need to. I've found reading through the stories of others helps, and gives me relief from focusing on my own bad feelings, or I will see similarities in other stories and see how they have coped.

will check back in later, hang in there

:) Hello Emily, everyone here is correct, this is a great place to release all the anger and frustration, and we are all listening. Know it is easier said and done, but you must let him go. Are there counselors at your school you could talk to about your self destructive feelings? Do you have any hobbies that make you happy? What about volunteer work at a local hospital or shelter? Its a great way to improve your self esteem and realize how good life actually is. Will check back on you later. HUGZ

I'm new to this and really don't know where to start but for the last seven years I been feeling that I'm being watched by the whole world and they watch my every move. I think there's micro cameras in my place and car. I get visions of people talking about me all the time and saying very mean things about me including threats of killing me for eating or beating me up. I started new meds to help me deal with this paranoia but it really has not kicked in fully.
Is there someone else dealing with this same issue out there?

dear jv, my twin sons had these same issues, and they had a diagnosis. do you have one yet? once they got their diagnosis they got on the right meds they got better. it took awhile for the meds to kick in but one still feels like "they" are watching him alot. it is very painful for him and for the family to cope with as well. you are not alone. the brain can do powerful things when you might have a disorder or something wrong. please keep posting and talking about this. no one here wants to hurt you or bully you. this is a safe site to be on i promise you that. we all care about you and have your best interest at heart. i will pray for you. keep in touch with your doctor about this. you may need an adjustment on your meds. all my best with faith and hope you will get well sooner rather than later. write me back when you can and let me know how you are doing.from a prayer warrior

Hi Emily,

That foreign feeling that you have is not that of a broken heart but that of a flourishing mind battling the loving spirit within you. The stronger you are at heart the more the mind wonders. You are sometimes speechless because the mind is not capable of expressing the love in your heart. We all have been where you are and we are more stronger at heart than bitter with thoughts of the past. You are not alone. The feels you have of paranoia, loneliness and jealousy does not define you. Sometimes weaker people seek strength through hurt at the expense of others. They seek only those with love and kindness. Since they are incapable of rising to your level they seek to bring you down to theirs. In your heart you are giver with purpose. In their mind they want only to take with no clue as to why. Emotions during confusion is a gift to us because feeling is the start of healing. This will come to past. Do not be afraid to love yourself and express yourself.

I understand what your saying. And what i want to prove is that this is more than just heartache. It feels like complete betrayal of everything i had. It’s difficult to be dependent and it’s hard not to be now. But i guess i am figuring out ways to do that. Everyday is hard because i don’t have him anymore. But i know from past experiences i guess i am being pointless by trying to make him understand how i’m feeling. There are days that i wish someone could read my mind, so they would know. I know now that i try and explain over and over again because what i seek from him is affection and love like i used to receive. But time changed and now this is real. How and why men will do this, i’ll never know. But at least right now i know that i’ve been given ultimatums just for comfort, which is never right. And what i believed in before isn’t here now. And it’s time to stop dwelling. I’ll be fighting, and it feels good to know i have everyone’s support here. I couldn’t thank you more.

... well put kaz,

Emily emotional growth hurts (think of it like stretching a muscle to make it stronger), but you can make it, and I promise you it will be worth it. You need to get away from the situation and use your fine mind to see the relationship from another perspective. try and look at things as if it was happening to someone else, what would your thoughts be if your boyfriend was treating someone else you dearly loved that way? what advice would you give your friend? I think in your heart you know the answers, that is why there is so much discord inside

dear emily, i didn't mean to ignore you, on your post, but i got distracted by something jv said on some other post and i was trying to get in touch with her. you story sounds real to me and not at all juvenile. this is a long term relationship for someone your age anyway you look at it and now you have had two such relationships. i like what marcie said to you alot, she said it very well. time is what we all need when we go through something like this kind of a difficult breakup. since you are going to school, i would say focus on school and other students that are doing the same. this can provide a distraction. you will find tremendous relief by posting alot on this site and you may find some real friends here online too, i did. please do not ignore your relationship with God. i started turning to Him when i was your age and it was with tremendous relief to find a friend in Him and my conversations with Him became very personal. i will pray for you and i wish you all my best with faith and hope that time will heal this devastating break up. from a prayer warrior

Good to hear you are fighting for it! Remember that we all need help sometimes, try not to be too independent to accept it. I still wish like you that someone could read my mind, and the older I get the harder that would be, so many experiences. One way people can read your mind is by writing. Try and give yourself all that love and affection you miss, learn to laugh with yourself. Time will give you detachment. I think life's journey is about learning to love ourselves, because if we don't know how to do that, how can we properly love someone else (ie if we can't stand being alone with ourself, why would we expect anyone else to want to?)

way to go Emily,

I am proud that i’m at least fighting it. I just recently found about this new girl hes seeing. And my friends help me to push through that. But what i was told was that this girl is a bit promiscuous and i guess that worries me a lot. The one thing that really gets me is him being sexually attracted to someone else. I guess now knowing that this girl can be that towards him makes me feel like i want to just throw up. It gets me scared that she’ll be better. That she’ll be able to please him more, everything.

hey Emily,

its normal to feel sick when the one you love "rejects" you by being attracted to someone else, is physical with someone else ... like they have betrayed everything you had together, like you weren't good enough
In the long run of love, tho, the physical is only one part of the equation

when you can accept that you are not necessarily the person for your ex, you can either try to make yourself into what you think he wants (and make yourself crazy in the meantime), or you can move on and try to untangle who you are inside, what YOU want, and then you will attract someone of a like mind and soul. Don't worry, this doesn't happen overnight, and there will be a certain amount of pain that you will have to go thru, but you CAN get through it How would we know what happy was if there was no flipside?

glad you have friends to help, but keep posting whenever thats not enough

They say living well is the best revenge --

dear Emily, living well is the best revenge and the most satisfying. all my best with hope and faith, as you get on with you life and leave these unsatisfying relationships in the past. you are in my prayers, maria

Hey Emily, the only thing I can really say is to focus on you and let things go. Everything happens for a reason, your young and have plenty of time to start a relationship. When I was a teen, I had a relationship that didn't work out and we were friends but we couldn't let each other go. I became very depressed and would not eat. I got so sick from it and it stopped after I met my fiance and we have been together since Aug 30 2008. From that sour relationship before I was blessed with a daughter. Now I am more than ready to grow my family and continue life. It took a long time but things eventually find a way of working themselves out. It took from 15 years old to 22 to get out of a heart breaking cycle.