Sometimes I feel like it was my fault for having been raped

Sometimes I feel like it was my fault for having been raped 3 years ago during my senior year of high school when I dated a guy who I told him I didn't want to have sex with and without my knowledge, he...inserted himself. I feel like it was my fault because I don't understand how I didn't 'feel it' and all I remember was him telling me he "used a numbing condom". Today, I kept thinking about the time him and I went ice skating and I just don't understand how I was so stupid. I kept dating him after he raped me (which I cried when I got home) and then just let him have sex with me basically whenever. I didn't mind touching which he knew and I told him I didn't want to "do it" yet and this whole date-rape whatever situation makes me feel so stupid years after.

1 Heart

Don't call yourself stupid

You're not stupid and that was definitely not your fault. In order for two people to have sex, both parties need to consent to continue. If you had no idea what was going on, you did not give consent. Maybe you shouldn't have slept with him or dated him afterwards but that's okay. Everybody makes mistakes, and you were most likely just confused. What's important is that you get help for your situation. And if you already have, then keep going.
I hope that helps a little bit.

@RedBeldam Yeah, I was 18 at the time and now I’m 22. It’s been a while but I wish I had said something. I just didn’t want to get bullied at school since we both had the same friends and that’s what had happened anyway. His ex gf at the time called me a sl^t even though I hadn’t ever had sexual contact with anyone until him…if you want the whole story, I have a previous post about it the year it happened.

Really sorry this happened to you. Even when I was attacked (I was very young & trying to figure out what this guy was doing) I was blaming 'myself!!' Ridiculous.
My own inability to make someone OWN their actions, be responsible says so much of my sheltered & strange upbringing. I should have reported, documented, etc..my own fam did not understand even. That was the worst letdown of all.
Our society has destroyed respect for women ESPECIALLY from within her OWN family. Where is the protection? I lost a lot of trust in finding normal, loving relationships. That's a grieving.
My g*d the fact that your 'friend' circle would have any kind of negative response to you and the event (s)...is mind-boggling. People do not know how much words can kill.
I really hope you have moved well past these toxic personalities. They are stuck wallowing in the darkness. Their approach to life is not your identity. Reach out for new, renewel, recovery, HOPE.

@Littlesis7 Fortunately, I have 0% contact with anyone I was “friends” with then including people who weren’t mean to be but they were technically still friends or acquaintances with the guy who raped me as well as the “friends” of mine back then who basically didn’t believe me. Most of them are honestly in the military or are probably still living with their parents not doing anything. Not like my life is any better though tbh. I’m in university and hate it. I don’t want to be friends anymore with the only person I did actually become friends with.