Sometimes just giving up is the answer, all I've known is use and abuse

The place where I used to go to write, vent, feel alive has now disappeared. Met some really neat and helpful people too. After my dad died (suicide), my mom used to let guys do things to me. Got her money, drugs and sometimes a place for us to sleep. Fast forward to now…I basically dropped out of school after 8th grade. Went a few times in both 9th and 10th grade, but not more than a few weeks, max. The rest of the time, I was either working the streets to get money or I was taking care of my little sister. Mom’s in prison for the things she did. Hope she never gets out. My little sister is living with a family she loves and they love her. I’m just a slut with nothing to live for, except to make money to put in my sister’s college fund and send money for her support. I don’t have to, but I want to and I want the family know how thankful I am.
Now, I’m in Mexico, still doing sex work. It’s safer, money is better and I’m not looked down on and degraded like I was in the states. I work brothels and streets. Sometimes I’m able to work a club. People talk about how dangerous it is, drugs, cartels, all that stuff. I’ve dealt with cartel guys, I’m just a whore they pick up. I don’t ask questions or get in their biz, so I"m not a threat or target. They do their thing, throw their money at me, either they leave or I do, it works out great.
This is the time of year when I get really depressed. It’s also when my dad died. I’m not using drugs any more, drink once in awhile, but no matter what I do, nothing makes me happy, nothing matters.

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That lack of happiness, chronic apathy, disinterest seems pretty much spread right across the board. People who haven’t been through the things that you have and lived what many would consider the “American Dream” are still finding themselves lost, depressed, angry, what have you.

I’m not qualified to really say what exactly is happening, or how to fix things, but I do have my ideas and theories. I do think the cheapening of modern life plays a big part in why people are falling into pits of misery when from the outside they seemingly have it all together. Hustle culture came out of the woodwork and monetized everything, trying to milk every little thing for profit. I’m firmly of the belief that influencers and micro celebrities like Youtubers and streamers did a fair amount of damage to the American zeitgeist especially through the use of social media. Cue comparing ones life to carefully curated glimpses into another person’s seemingly perfect existence and away we go.

Another thing I believe is a major component is a feeling of purpose in life. In that cheap world, I think it’s difficult to find a reason through the damn near dystopian hellscape of the current state of employment and modern dating. Being seen as disposable by both your job, and other people who you want any sort of relationship with tends to exacerbate any feelings of loneliness, despair, consternation, etc. Where to find purpose? Well, some people find it in sacrifice, others in service to something greater than themselves. Some volunteer, but I think a large section just doesn’t find it at all. I’m still trying to find it myself honestly.

In closing, even with the more extreme, unique circumstances you’ve described as your life, you’re not alone in the lack of happiness and the general spinning of the wheels.

I kind of had to reel back the sort of internal “rant” that wanted to break through in there, but uhhh, yeah. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk

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Hey, thanks for sharing your story. !!
Look after what’s important…you…because you are important. You do matter.
Take care

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If Sex work makes you happy and you are safe then that is what matters, but it kind of seems like you do it to get money and make other people happy, but not yourself. Do you think counseling might help? There are counselors for everyone, you just need to look for ones that work within the sex worker arena. Hugs.

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I’ve had counseling…group and individual. Just made me more upset and depressed. I’ve been on different meds and the one I’m on now seems better. I’m not actively suicidal, but if I woke up dead, I’d be ok with it. My goal is to make as much money as I can to put my little sister through college. I’m almost there. After her high school or maybe college graduation, I just plan to wander, maybe set up a little place in the woods and just disappear.

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