I hope my experience will help someone else here. I've been married to an alcoholic for 38 years. This past Fall he had an EA. He is no longer seeing her but has ongoing via email and texts. He always says "Sweet Dreams my Love" in Spanish via email at bedtime. Okay, so I figured out his password, sue me.
He is still in his fantasy world where he loves her and he has told me that he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. I have news for him. His inappropriate behaviour has killed all the love on my part too. There is no way this marriage is going to be resurrected out of these ashes unless he gets serious counselling for a year and is seriously in AA for a year.
I have been working on myself for the last 4 months. The months before that I was in fetal position on the couch... and that's okay. I even lost the weight I needed to lose cause I couldn't eat. Not the ideal diet plan but I feel better at this weight.
It's really hard to turn that focus around. I've done it through finding things that I like to do and doing them. I had some groups I joined that I told one or two members what was going on in my life and so if I went for an hour of a 3 hour get together and wanted to leave that was okay. It's like the AlAnon concept of One Step at a Time. Even if they seem like baby steps just do it and it will get better and better.
I've learned through reading lots that his treatment of me is not appropriate. I am a very soft person and have a bad habit of feeling sorry for people and giving them another chance. He's run out of chances and I've run out of patience. I think 9 months is a lot of patience.
I told him I want a divorce. This is my final decision. I thought I owed it to him to tell him my thought process that helped me come to this decision.
I was in the middle of it and he looked at me and said "You leave me no choice then. You are driving me away and I'm going to have to divorce you.
Hello? How did this turn around to being his decision? I laughed to myself but I don't care who's decision he thinks it is as long as I get out of this toxic life I've gotten myself into.
Maybe not funny to everyone but we gotta learn to laugh again, especially when we've been put through so much pain.
Amazing, I really enjoyed reading your post & it never seems to change for some people & their thought processes or the way they try projecting things onto others & yes one has to laugh about it otherwise...........
Denial is bliss.............and a bigger river........
Looks like you married one of the geniuses too!! Welcome to the club!! You did a very nice job telling this part of your story!! I really enjoyed reading it and I can see that you are going to fit right in here on support groups!! 38 years..... Ok, you might get the award for longest relationship with a POC (piece of crap)!! But I still think I should at least get a little trophy for tolerating the great "knower of nothing" for 16 years!!
Meadow, I LIKE you!! I've loved your other posts too! Please let me know if I can ever do anything to help!! Again, Welcome! I am glad you are here and you are going to just love the other members who were with a POC for extensive periods of time.... they are really cool!! We are here for you in all seriousness, so never hesitate to be honest about how you are feeling or questions you may have. The people here have saved me and have helped me through very tough days and weeks!!
We are sorry for what you've been through, but so glad you are here!! It can be a very busy, huge place so if you ever feel like you aren't being heard, just keep posting or private message any of us for anything you need!
Loved Loved your post meadow thoroughly enjoyed it Suzee 18 yrs for me girl!! I always fell for his mind games and somehow always making me question myself I was so frazzled and confused at times. My ex has put me through alot of pain. But reality finally hit me one day that by staying I was enabling him to continue treating me like I was worthless and purely to satisfy his sexual needs. ours too was a toxic environment.
Thanks for sharing this with us made me smile!!
these men are quite something aren't they how they turn things around...just like my ex when i confronted him about being abusive to me his response was ..that he was abused in his past too so he is the victim. Well sorry to tell you that yes you were abused but you decided to continue that cycle and abuse me..i chose to end that cycle.!!!
I cant believe it! Sounds just like my ex!!!! They are every where! All joking aside, I guess there are far more idiot husbands than I ever imagined. I felt so isolated, but this support group has changed that for me! Thank you so much, Meadow, I too enjoyed reading your post. How helpful! My ex cheated oh about 8 times in 16 years but it was always my fault, for one reason or another....so I took away his reason!!!!
If i can do anything to help please let me know! 38 years is a long time....stay strong!