Sorry, I just have so my anxiety at the moment. My Name is H

Sorry, I just have so my anxiety at the moment. My Name is Helen. My story will probably be very confusing. It's all about my relationship problem that I've suffered for 6 years. I fell deeply in love with a boy name Zack who was from Tennessee (i live in New York) when I was 13. We were online dating ATM on Facebook. We always went up and down in our relationships. But you see, I have wonderful memories with him. How we first met was he messages me on Facebook and we became as friends as first and slowly grew to be in love with each other. We were both meant to be.. I basically grew up with this guy! Our first break up of course was the worst thing ever and I became a little stalker on his Facebook and all to see how he was doing. But every year we would always go back and break up, go back and break up. When we were together I felt so happy with him. I could give everything to him. My heart, my heart and my love. He's a charming guy. He's wonderful. 2 summers ago, my father wanted to take me to Tennessee and I got so excited that I had to tell Zack about it and we were both so nervous but excited because we can finally meet other for the very first time!! Unfortunately, he lives in Memphis Tennessee near Bartlett. He was too far away.. So everything turned into crap really quickly.. I felt so upset. He felt upset too. But he stayed and we would talk hours about our futures. He'd always bring up that cute embarrassing thing I could always saw when I was 14 about having a future with him and having kids!! (Silly, I know!) but it put a smile on his face.. That's what I loved. A smile on his face.. He has such a cute smile. Seeing him happy makes me happy.. Unfortunately, he would always disappear. One day.. He'll just stop replying to me or stop talking to me in general (we text on Kik). And I'd always fall into huge depression and think about what I did that made him go away.. What did I do wrong? What is something I said?! I didn't know what was going on.. But he's done this every single year for 6 years now.. When he came back last Spring Break it was unexpected. I wanted to say what was going on but I felt like he was just gonna leave again! But I took the risk and asked him. He said "I thought you didn't like me anymore I thought you wanted me out of your life". I guess he said that because since he ignored me for so long I dated a boy in my school and I figured he saw the pictures.. I felt like it was my fault in this situation to I apologized and we went back to our old lovey dovey ways!! I even introduced him to my group of girlfriends on our Kik messages... April 17th, on his birthday!! I wrote him a long long paragraph on how much I love him and all of our memories that we had over the years.. Of course he loved it! But.. That day was ruined when he told me that he's been lying to me for a very long time about his virginity. Don't get me wrong!! I've had s3x way before him (at age 15) with my old drug dealer.. When i told Zack about it he was jealous and heart broken..And when he told me about that I felt what he felt.. I didn't want to sound like a hypocrite or anything so I didn't say anything!! I told him it was okay and that it was fine.. I told him I was sorry but what was I apologizing for? I wasn't thinking so I made that situation be my fault.. He was confused and he told me the story on how he lost it to a girl he loved named Emily who was a state closer.. But how he told me about her seemed like he loves her more than me.. I felt hurt and jealous but I didn't know what to do. He really does love me though and I know it. But how he shows it confuses me.. After that. He disappeared again.. Until a August (my birthday month and my trip to Europe. He came back again. We were in love again..
Unfortunately again we had problems but this time it was for my habits. Me and him smoke Marijuana which isn't so bad... The problem with me? I smoke cigarettes here and there.. I drink with my friends. He'd judge me for it and treats me like I'm the terrible person for it. So I took it all and felt it its my fault once again.. He hates everything I do. He even hates the things I wear like "sexy merchandise" I buy online that's for the laughs.. He didn't find them funny at all and would yell at him for it and make me feel like crap. I sometimes try to joke around with him about my future and stuff and he'd always take it so so seriously.. Like I'd say "ugh i don't know if I'll go to college, I'll probably be a stripper ahaa no i'm too ugly!!" And he'd take that so so seriously and be like what the hell are you doing you're not a lady who does that stop that!!.. I don't know.. When I was leaving to Germany we were talking and I started to talk about suicide and all and he bought up.. "Suicide is for weak people who can't take real life anymore. It's like a rage quit to real life people are so selfish to attempt suicide there's others to care for. Suicide is dumb." And I felt so hurt by that because he knows I'm depressed.. I couldn't take it so I finally told him about my depression and the crap I go through with suicide thoughts and depression.. He blamed me for it.. He blames me and my actions and called me basically.. Pathetic.. And it hurts to hear that from someone you truly love so much.. It really does.. He starts even mentioning my friends but one specially (I have a 15 year old friend who had her kid and I was also raped in the summer.. I was raped 3 times in my life..), he bought up my friend with the baby and about my rape.. He said its the type of friends I have is the reason why I got raped.. He basically blamed it on me.. Everything.. So I believed that it was my fault.. I broke down and cried.. Why did he change so much.. Why does he hurt me emotionally.. How can I make him see that he hurts me.. So when I was in Europe he didn't talk to me as much.. And one day when I was in France I had to tell him how I felt.. And leave with a goodbye. I felt like he didn't love me anymore.. He stopped me, and explained how he felt. He hates my habits, he hates my friends (cause we all smoke and drink) he hates my outfits, he hates the Me that I am this year.. He said if I don't change then we won't work out.. But I have to always remember that he truly loves me..
But what is love now.. I stalk his Facebook and see him in a relationship.. How is that love? I know he does love me but he has a weird way showing it.. It hurts my chest so much. It feels heavy and broken... He's also a hypocrite too. I see his profile and he tags her in weird sexual pictures.. But hates it when I do it?.. So I've been depressed since September about this.. About him.. My depression is always him.. My chronic depression worsened with him (I've had depression before.. But that's another wild story..) I don't want to let him go.. This is a huge pain cycle... He's gonna come back soon.. Or probably not.. I miss him dearly. I really really do love him and wish I can talk to him.. And so I signed up to the Arts Institute of Nashville in Tennessee.. And I might live there next year to attend. One, because they have my future and media arts I wanna work with.. And second, to find Zack.. But he has no idea about this plan.. I really only wanna go to Tennessee for him.. Even if we aren't together, I'd love to see him. If he really did move on when I meet him.l it's fine... His smile is so important to me.. If he's happy. I'm happy.. That's what love is right? Making another person happy.. But I miss him so dearly.. I've cried over him. Just a thought of me makes me break down so quickly.. Thinking about him and the memories.. It hurts so bad.. I felt so depressed to the point of self harming.. I just.. Don't know what to do..

1 Heart

In my personal opinion, you should get out of there. Run. There are signs of an abusive relationship: double standards, controlling actions, verbal attacks, etc. I know that you might think he is "Mr. Right," but the perfect man for you would love, support, listen, and encourage you. Not stop talking to you for random periods of time. You should be able to be you.

2 Hearts

@1Strand@ATime I agree no relationship is perfect but there is a lot of hints at problems in the future if this keeps up

I'll try to get away from him as possible.. This is all online and its effects me so much. I know when he comes back and we talk ill stupidly fall in Love with him ugh. It's hard you know, it's been 6years.. I'm sorry I know I sound like a downer.

I've been in a very similar relationship. It eats you alive. You have to walk away and don't look back. If you even talk to him after you leave, it'll all just happen again. And I'm sorry to say this, but you will probably never stop loving him. You just have to learn to love yourself more.
Message me if you ever want to talk. I'm here for you.

@JaiSher please don’t be sorry! You’re probably right, one day I will say “I don’t love you” and won’t care about him anymore.! Thank you!

Praying for you

I know that you love him. I know that it's going to be hard to give up on your relationship with him, but that's what needs to happen. He is only dragging you down. Is it really worth it? Is listening to him tell you that you are a terrible person and that everything is your fault, is that worth the good times you have with him? Are you in love with who he is today? Or who he was when you met him.

@ZeeLikesChikin this was deep… Oh god. I guess I’m still I love with him but I’m inlove with the boy who I loved since I met him… I will recover soon.