Sorry, this is quite a long story.
About 2 months ago I discovered that my fiance had cheated on me through messages on her phone. I am a very trusting person so this initial bombshell hit me hard. We have been together 5 years (albeit with one year over long distances due to being transferred to different offices). This was not a single incident, or a long term affair, but instead a number of work colleagues, old school friends, and a married boss (about 25 years older - she is in her late 20s - with 2 children). When confronted, she admitted that these had been going on since we started dating and had continued throughout our relationship, not regularly, but a few times a year. I knew that her past had been troubled, and that her father had committed suicide when she was 17, and that within 6 months of his death she had fallen into a 4 years relationship with a man who, although she would not talk about him much, sounded vaguely abusive. She was with him when we met, but things remained platonic until after she had thrown him out of the house she had bought. Off the back of her infidelities, she had a breakdown and she admitted a lot more about this abusive relationship that neither her mum or I had been aware of: he beat her, locked her in her own house, would hit her during sex, advertise her for sex with strangers online, and rape her if she refused or tried to stand up to him. After she had got out of the relationship with her mum and my help she had spoken to the police who had advised that without evidence nothing could be done, so she bottled it up. With all this in mind, I had decided to give things a go, and in some ways was ok. I cannot even fathom going through all that, and that it is bound to have an affect on the way she saw herself and sex in general. I had obviously not forgiven her for not coming to me, and for what she did to us, but I did understand a little more. I also advised that she speak to one of the senior members in her office who I considered a friend (I am also a friend of his wife). He is again 25 years older, and the executive of one of the large London-based financial consultancies. She agreed to speak to him about how to manage work etc while she got counseling, however when I got home that evening I found her crying and she admitted that our "first meeting" with her boss had been staged and that she had been sleeping with him for the 4 months before we met, and continued for the next 6 months, including the week after our engagement. What is scarier is that she let him hit her during sex, and on a couple of occasions, was raped by him (she told him no, and physically pushed him away, only to be pinned to the bed while she cried - I have seen his messages of apology afterwards...charming, right?). At the time, and because of what she had gone through before, it seems like she did not even recognise it as rape and said that "she deserved it for leading him on, and had agreed to sex before and after those events". It absolutely kills me that I let someone do this to her again: which is stupid I know. Now that she has faced everything and started dealing with everything, you can see that she is completely broken, and in our discussions with the counsellor is unable to even recognise the actions as logical (which they are not, but when everything first came out, her explanation was that she needed to be valued, and that to her, men only valued her when she was giving them what they wanted). I do love her still, and she is working with a psychologist, her work (HR and Senior Partners) have been incredibly supportive and are dealing with the boss (which is difficult as he partly owns the company as an Exec Senior Partner), and I do want to make things work. I do recognise that these were not equivalent relationships to ours, and were based on abuse. In fact what hurts most were the depth of the lies, and the misplaced trust in someone I considered a friend. The psychologist sees it as a form of PTSD, which does help me slightly - it was more difficult when it all seemed so illogical but at least that is some explanation. It is not an excuse, and I will never be able to forget, but I hope that I can forgive. My major struggle at the moment is that I am, in some ways, acting in support to her as a crutch and it is incredibly difficult to deal with my hurt. I do not feel that I can let her see me wide awake at night thinking it all over, or crying in the car on the way home. My family know and I have told one friend so that there are people I can talk with (and her mum has been so supportive), but I do not want to be too much of a burden, as it is easier being with people who do not know and I can be my old self.