Spikes can happen in so many random places. I hate it. I was okay this whole day, no anxiety, and one random stupid thing spiked me and now I don't feel well. And the constant flashbacks to previous experiences, searching for signs that you are not or you are gay. And when I think of all of my failed relationships, it just fuels my HOCD, I can hear it telling me - they all failed because you were gay but you didn't know it. I HATE THIS. HATE IT. It becomes so hard sometimes that I wish I would just disappear.
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How were you able to refrain from compulsing after having spiked so hard? hugs to you!
@Aura82 I try to distract myself. I try to let it go. I have HOCD for almost 2 years now, so I’m used to high anxiety level and random intrusive thoughts. Living with feeling so empty and not yourself is the worst part. I can handle the thoughts most of the time, I can swim in this pile of shit, basically. But it still smells. It gets to a point where you are out of compulsions, nothing seems to work. Ignoring it and focusing on something else could be called a compulsion. After so much time, you get used to it. It’s not confortable, you don’t want to go out or meet new people, there is no anxiety. There is only desperation now, a desperate, sad sentence that I say in my head everytime when it strikes - can you just leave me alone? Haven’t you tortured me enough? It’s the same shit over and over again. It’s horrible, but at this point, it’s bearable. I’ve been through so many panic attacks, I couldn’t leave my room for more than a month, couldn’t eat, sleep or do anything. Now I’m just tired. There is little anxiety, but emptiness persists. It feels like you can never be yourself again, that this is how your life will be forever. Like a nightmare. All you want is to erase every memory that you ever had, wake up and be happy. Have the life you wanted but you can’t.