Spiraling downwards

My ED is telling me lies! Are they lies? I don't know anymore I can't tear myself apart from my ED. I'm horrible, fat, digusting. I don't deserve recovery. I don't deserve anything.

I feel lower than I have felt since I was my sickest. I feel a binge coming kn even though I ate all day... Way too much. It keeps telling me it's way too much might as well continue with your ruined day. I haven't even made my mark for my meal plan. I hate this. I hate myself. I am so depressed...

I even looked around for somethig to cut with- an act I haven't commuted since my first round with anorexia. And I tried. I can't believe I tried. Ah I feel out of control! I feel lost. I don't know what I feel. I want complete numbness... Not this halfway numbing feeling.

I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up if I purge tonight- I was doing so well. But I feel as though I don't deserve recovery(happiness, joy, or life) I'm spiraling downward out of control. I don't know how to handle the endless possibilities of tonight. And to think this morning I was on the other end of the spectrum- happy, optimistic, and ready to live

Hey Allee,
What I am hearing is there is a lot of emotions going on inside. And your brain is saying either release them fast - the cutting, or stuff them down - the binging. But you have to realise that these feelings in recovery are completely natural.

Recovery is not easy but it is positive, so all of those feelings that are coming out, are good.
Keep telling yourself that and keep telling yourself you are worth recovery, because you are.

I find it good to meditate to calm myself. Just go to a quiet room, and start to slowly concentrate on your breathing, it's just trying to slow your brain down...and as your doing it, tell yourself you're ok, you're doing well and just keep repeating whatever feels most comfortable to you.

You're safe is the one that always sticks with me for some reason. But you are doing great girlie and the rough patches are positive, you just have to find that inner power and harness your energy to push through.

keep up the good work
Love to you
MG x