Grouch, grouch grouch. Having another one of those "brain contemplates the world, gets grumpy over all the things it doesn't like about it, gets glum over its inability to change that". When my mind feels livelier, I'll stay "in the real world" more and avoid hiding my thoughts away in daydreams or fiction as much. Sometimes this is problematic.
Anyhow life is alright lately, as much as it ever is I suppose. My eating is more under control so I'm back in my desired daily calorie range, I'd been going over a bit lately. The scale has consequently been kinder. Things at the animal shelter continue to go well. I could probably do all the morning routine myself now with no more than five or so questions for the staff if the older more experienced lady who's been here for a year was to call in sick. So that's nice to know, I was pretty clueless of course when I started out. We have five kittens there who are adorable, however at least has always been sleeping so I have yet to achieve my dream of all five climbing on me at once. I may die at that point from cuteness overload, but oh well.
The wait on the legal stuff continues, I've been told not to expect a reply before early june, but the way this goes mid june may be more likely. I am trying not to stress too much.
I am feeling a little better mentally lately, I've been reading more religious stuff and starting my day by reading a few little self-instructions I've written down, so that's helping some too I think. I don't know when my brother will be returning, he has yet to email me with a return date from college. I could look it up online to see when his dorms close, but frankly I prefer to live in blissful ignorance for a little while longer. I am not longing forward to our resumed cohabitation over the summer, but oh well so it goes. At least that means halved bills for house stuff.
Anyhow guess I'll wrap it up here, just writing to get it all out.
*hugs back* aww thanks. You're seriously underestimating the value of being covered in kittens though if you think a northguy ramble is even close. Seriously, it's like fuzzy, adorable, ow-mind-the-claws, heaven. Well except for that last bit, but when a kitten is perching on your neck overlooking the world, it's kinda worth it.
@Northguy This makes me want to go adopt a kitten or 7. Although my mom is allergic so I better not. Also, when a woman adopts too many cats the neighborhood kids start calling her a cat lady. I could see that happening to me.
Northguy, I was sitting here at work this morning working my way through all my usual "I hate this job and I don't want to do it anymore" daydreams when it dawned on me.
... Those hooligans on your imaginary lawn might adapt and start expecting a slingshot attack. I mean for the first few times they probably won't see the things we shoot at them coming, but after awhile they will start expecting it and then they will just start coming back in bigger numbers (teens are like that you know). So I have decided that we will need to just do this right from the get go. We snipe the little bastards with paintballs. Its stealthy, automated, AND colorful.
just another short ramble before I hopefully get some rest. I'm just grumpy and a bit gloomy today. I think its because my body decided it was time to wake up at 5 am for no apparent reason. I dislike how my mood seems so influenced by factors I don't really control. Eh anyhow at least it wasn't awful or anything just kinda blah. Hoping tonight is a better night's rest.
@MagiaMoonlightnoms on breakfast avoids the coffee cause I’m a caffeine-forsaking heathen
Thanks. Sadly, I won’t be surprised if its new day same as the old day given the weird night of sleep I had again. Kept waking up a lot and having vivid kinda creepy dreams. But oh well, at least nothing really needs to happen today so if I’m blah that’ll work out. Thanks for being here
Rather down miniramble with some wishing for death, don't read if that'll bother you.
Getting down again tonight. Thought about how its the beginning of summer now and realized my life is pretty much how it was at the beginning of last summer. I thought things would change then, and here I am a year later. Makes me worry if I'm wrong about that now too.
Having another "frightened by life" moment. I just don't feel cut out for this. I don't really want to live, but I'm not supposed to get a say in that. It still seems wrongheaded to me, but whatever. anyhow as always i'm not in any danger of hurting myself. just grumpy and wanting to run away.
I often feel that my life doesn't change very much either. To be honest I am in the same place I was when I was 12, only now to make things more interesting I have a job that I hate to go along with it....
Still....I believe that someday I will figure it all out. We are always in the place that we need to be. You are still young so you have lots of time figure out what the definition of "purpose" is for you.Hang in there.
Further gloominess tonight. My stress has been high all day, I'm playing the waiting game again now on the legal business, early june was the earliest i was told I'd hear back (after three weeks wait or so before learning that) ad now it has arrived. The stress is high again. It's just sort of constantly there in the back of my mind. I found myself playing games today with the air of an obsessive thought spiral, one of those if I can just make X happen (where X is the closing event) the anxious loop will cease and i'll break free. This was just a manifestation of the underlying high stress.
Having trouble getting to sleep though I forgot to take my melatonin til now so that's no surprise. I do worry that nightmares will come, but nothing I can do about that.
I'm at the point where I try to take refuge in depressed fatalism to hide from the stress. I know that sounds weird, but "eh, I'll die in the end" is a solution to "ah! uncertain future! panic!" so I'll fantastize about coming down with an incurable disease or something like htat. It's my brain's way of trying to escape from the current stress. It's weird but when its this bad nothing else works but sleep. Hopefully my mood is reset back to a more level state tomorrow. I hope y sleep doesnt get out of whack as I volunteer tuesday morning.
I just tired of it all. It seems so pointless that I should exist, with the costs that entails, when I have no real desire to and also am not really contributing much (or wanting to, for that matter). I just don't want to exist,
Anyway as always no worries, my religion forbids suicide and I'm pretty obsessive about that, so the world and I are stuck with each other I guess.
