Standard Northguy Ramble
I continue to be a bit melancholic today but perhaps it will be of use. I've been mulling over my tendencies toward loneliness, emotional suppression and pessimism. I learned at a fairly young age (sometime in elementary school) that it was safer and easier to stop hoping so much for things, and to try to suppress my desires for closer human companionship rather than pine for something I "couldn't" have. That has still stayed with me, despite finally developing (and over time losing) real friends for the first time in college and subsequently, and having (and quickly losing because of myself) romantic relationships for the first time.
To some degree this holds true for achievements too. Get a great SAT score and admission to a fantastic college? Drop out after your brain goes bonkers. Feel safe and happier because of your faith? Develop religious obsessions that shatter that joy. Write a novel? Wimp out on editing and submitting and then get writer's block on your second. Have one person always be there for you? She'll die.
This isn't a "the whole world is always against me thing" I'm quite aware that I'm sometimes the problem, and sometimes not. I can even intellectually grasp that maybe some of these beliefs are wrong now, that maybe my refusal to try because I am afraid of loss is keeping from happiness as well as pain. But I cannot as yet bring myself to really want to change that. At least I don't think so. I don't like living as this cold barely surviving thing that's me. But I feel like I have to survive, and I just want to make it through to natural death with as little pain as possible, and right now being cold seems like the best bet still. I've just learned to expect that every vulnerable place will be hurt eventually.
I hear you. I've always struggled with making and then maintaining friendships and relationships. I don't seem to really understand how social interaction works, although I've improved a bit. I've also messed up or given up/dropped out of almost everything I've tried to do. I get those fears and feelings of hopelessness, and of just keeping on going cos it's what I'm meant to do. It's tough going through life like that. I hope that things will change to something more positive for you.
@Davii as always thank you 
I appreciate not feeling so odd, hearing someone else has these issues helps with that. I hope you have a nice day.
I struggle with friendships and relationships as well .I keep to myself so I dont get hurt again but at the same time wish for friendship or companionship
@idkanymore21 yeah its a tough emotionally frought costs-benefits thing trying to figure out how to be.
@Northguy You are still wonderful and I still enjoy reading your rambles.
@MagiaMoonlight I and still somewhat confused by but rather appreciative of that sentiment