Standard Northguy Ramble Well another slightly down eveni

Standard Northguy Ramble

Well another slightly down evening, but I will hopefully be turning in early tonight. Very unpleasant dreams this morning, one of those half aware ones were you're not sure if what your experiencing is real and it's very disquieting. But overall a decent day. Didn't really accomplish anything but oh well I can live with that. I guess I'll go throw a few things in a trash bag just to feel like I did something.
Anyhow another stint at the animal shelter tomorrow. It's more of a chore right now since I don't have a favorite cat anymore after she got adopted, but it's still worth doing I know.
Managed to land within my desired calorie range yesterday. We'll see if I manage it today. Eating healthily is way too hard.
Anyhow I'm feeling like I should have stressful stuff to write about here, but that's not really the case, some stuff sure but nothing to warrant my feeling of uneasy atm. Just the old brain being a ****. Anyhow I'll manage. Hope everyone's having a good night.

3 Hearts

well survived the shelter today. i was the only volunteer again but this time I left after 2 hours instead of staying for 3 til it was done, so that was easier. Had another "oh crap" moment on the drive home, not totally sure who's fault it was. I dread the day when I get in a car wreck, it just seems like its bound to happen and that freaks me out. Not the risk of death, more just the new catastrophe to have to deal with.
Had a really bad dream but then a good one. Kind of bittersweet on the good one though, it's like whenever I become half aware in a dream and i'm trying to push the dream along toward some good end result, I never make it. Like my brain believes there's always a barrier between me and that best happy feeling. I only get that in ones where I'm not at all in that partly aware state.
Anyhow nothing else really on the agenda today. tomorrow I'm going to go get a haircut and pick up some mailing supplies. I was going to get those today but realized i could combine that and the haircut into one trip to be more efficient, and i didn't want to do that til tomorrow. hopefully i'll stick to it but eh, no worryingabout that now. Time to try and just relax and let my brain decompress, without worrying about the future, since i'll be more energetic once the future comes than I am now.
Anyhow that my ramble for now, hope all are well.

1 Heart

Bad evening and a rough morning so far, though at least my plan to start waking up earlier and going to bed earier in hopes of avoiding some of my evening lows is working out well enough. Just feel down and sad. anxious too. I wanted to go out and do stuff today, but we'll see how that goes. Trying not to pressure myself on it right now. the day is yet young after all, and I may feel better as it goes on.
*sigh* I just wish life felt worth it. It doesn't. It hasn't for the great majority of it that I can remember. I wish I didn't have to continue it. Anyhow as always not suicidal, just not wanting to live. It happens fairly regularly and will keep on happening I suppose.

2 Hearts

Feeling crappy again as per normal these last few, but it was a good day for getting stuff done. Went out about four hours after i woke up and stayed out for an hour running various errands. Got my hair cut so the existence of my ears is once again visually verifiable. Wasn't sure if I'd do any when I woke up but managed to do all of what I'd planned, so that's a pretty well done day I suppose. Feeling low anxious and a bit lonely tonight but eh so it goes. My brain just gives me crap it doesn't mean anything. Just bought a game on sale so hopefuly that helps. I generally hate spending money because it's my security blanket, but i've been trying to give myself permission to spend 2 bucks on fun stuff for every hour (as of now 2) i'm at the shelter each week to help my brain associate work/outside excursions with rewards. I think it helps a bit, but when I don't bother spending on anything frivolous for a month it starts to lose effectiveness.
Anyhow just kinda out of it tonight but oh well. IT's not that unreasonable for me to be unhappy really, there's not much to be happy about. I have a small little empty little life with little meaning, companionship, or pleasure. But I am getting a bit better at doing this, so we'll see. Hopefully some day things get better.