Staring down the barrel of a divorce, all hope is gone!

My wife and i split in April after i told her she needed to stop spending so much time out at the bars and disappearing until 7-8 in the morning. I gave her an option of cleaning her act up and confronting her problems or leaving her mother convinced her to leave and live with her. She took my little girls with her. Since then she has lived all over the place bouncing from her mother to her father to male "friends" she met at the bars to her best friend and then back to her mother. I got a job where i work out of country in my career field and have been there since mid June. I came back home to see my little girls for the holidays and to try to reconcile our relationship. All seemed to be going well trying to get my family back together and in a safe environment. I secured an apartment for my family moved them in and the next day my wife told me she couldn't be with me. I exploded, i called up one of her male "friends" that she had stayed with and asked him if they had slept together, he replied with a definitive "yes". My wife proceeded to tell me he was lying even though he didn't know who i was, i went outside to talk to this guy again and she locked me out, i couldn't leave my children inside with her she had been drinking as had i but she had also been taking pills, i didn't know what she was capable of. I broke the door in, and she proceeded to hit me and tell me i was crazy for wanting to know what had happened while i was gone and not believing what she was telling me. for the two weeks prior to this i was spending all the time i could with my children and trying hard to talk with my wife about our issues. Thanksgiving night we dropped our children off with their grandfather so we could focus on packing and getting everything together for the move on friday. That night i got down and asked her if she would stay my wife... she replied with "yes". The bottom fell out less than 48 hours later. I already told her I am done with her lies and her betrayals, I am just now looking for outside opinions on what to do family is so biased i need outsiders to look in on half a story and give me advice on how i should handle what has happened. Please if anyone can give me that outside look i would be very appreciative!

Lostfather, I am so sorry for your pain. Most of us here are going through some sort of betrayal and can relate to your anguish. Has your wife tried to get help? It appears that she has alcohol and drug problems, without getting help I don't think you will be able to salvage your family. You have more than infidelity issues, the addiction issues have to be resolved before you can try to salvage your marriage. You said your job leaves you out of the country - will you be able to relocate to stay with your children and work thru these problems? Do you have to leave again soon? How long are you gone? What happened after she said she wanted to be your wife? I'm not trying to be intrusive just need a better look to see if there was anything I missed that could make a difference. Hang in there - keep posting - there are some really great people on this site who are willing to listen and share and that helps! Hugs:)

My wife has not tried to receive any help she blames the drugs on her problems. She had shingles 10 years ago and has pains everyday from them starting July 2009. I am done trying to salvage my marriage, it is over. I have given her numerous opportunities to clean up and she won’t look past herself. I cannot relocate to stay with my children i wish i could but i cannot. It tears me apart inside knowing that through all this they are the ones who are truly suffering for both of our choices. We went on through the night after she told me she wanted to stay with me as my wife, we watched a movie we laid down and slept and the next morning we woke up to move. Nothing of importance happened outside of the moving into an apartment. Once i paid for it and had the keys things started to feel a lot different than they had felt the two weeks prior. She became even further away from me, like i was 8000 miles away again. She had received a phone call earlier in the day from a “Friend” who is in rehab for his problems and i picked up the phone, i said hello he didn’t say anything. Later i asked her why he wouldn’t say hello to me since i know him personally. She answered with “he must be embarassed about being in rehab”. Infidelity is the biggest issue i have right now i know we were separated but that doesn’t give either of us the right to break our marital vows, I know i haven’t through all the pain and anguish of this entire situation i never once committed any act of adultery. Thank you for reading and trying to help out.

She is obviously unstable and not fit to care for your children. You have realized your marriage is over, now it is your responsibility to ensure your children are safe and well cared for. I am hoping one set of grandparents for perhaps one of your siblings and take over custody until you can resume that role. Otherwise you stand the chance of returning and the children will be lost to child protective services at the rate she is going. She will continue down her destructive path.

Shingles are no reason/excuse to drink & abuse drugs. Many people live with them. Yes they are painful, but can be treated. Have her look into the vaccine "Zostavax".

Stress causes more outbreaks...You need to begin to take care of yourself and your children and allow her to begin her own path to recovery.

She will only continue to use and abuse you to get out of you what she can in the meantime and use your children as pawns in the process.

That is just my opinion looking from the outside in with what little information you've shared.

Best of luck to you...

Well, I just read all that, you have support here, Jean

Wow that is rough business, reading your story made me feel better about my situation. My wife cheated, but is a good mother without any addiction. I can not even imagine what your going through not only is your marriage a wreck but you also have to worry about your children's safty. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, other than do whatever it takes to get those kids from her. It sounds like you have "finding out" skills. Find something out and set her up, get her arrested, or in rehab. Make it so that the kids can stay with family when your away. I know it sounds like a **** move but at least then you might have some piece of mind that your kids are ok while your over seas.

taking your children out of that environment is NOT a **** move. my ex-husband was an addict, I divorced him and have full custody of the kids. it helps that he had legal troubles, but even if your wife doesn't, a good lawyer should be able to get your full custody.
get a lawyer immediately... every time you leave your chilren with her you are saying she is a fit mother when you know she is not.

contact a lawyer and see what your options are for getting custody of your children and file for divorce. does she have a legal history of her substance abuse? take care of yourself and your kids, her life is her business and you probably have ot just let go of the idea of her as your wife. Your kids are your first priority. if done legally there is no reason you couldn't take the kids with you if you go out of the country.

I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. But please listen to the advice that has been given to you and get your children away from her SOON. I personally grew you with an alcoholic mother and step-father and I have had a lot of emotional issues because of it. I had to deal with abuse because of them always being drunk and on drugs. As a child I wished someone would save me from the things I had to endure and no one did. You have to ability to save your children from this. Do whatever it takes to make sure they are safe and well taken care of whether they are with you or with your family. I would suggest not letting your wife's family take them because they could end up right back with her while you are gone. I sincerely hope everything works out for you and your children.

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