Starting over again - just when I thought

Just when I thought that I am free from Ed and his lies I fall again for his evil ways. I'll be full from a good day of nourishing myself and he'll call me and say this isn't enough don't you need moooorrre? It doesn't feel like a good day unless your stomach hurts and you have to drink dieter's tea?

Its such a struggle and I'm glad that I can write this. However it is getting tiring and I'm bored with me!

I'm bored with having to go through this everyday and I really feel enough is enough. I don't want to restrict anymore but I do want to be mindful and enjoy every bite.

There have been so many circumstances that I tell myself are reasons for me not doing this. I tell myself that there isn't time to move my body daily. I tell myself that I don't care about body image. I tell myself that I'm happy to feel this gnawing feeling inside. I tell myself that I go to therapy and its working but then I don't use the very tools that she gives me.

I know I have to get to the bottom of this, I guess I just needed to say it.

You can do it! The best advice I can tell you is to always ask yourself WHY!!! When you want to go back to your old behaviors, there is an emotional driver to it. You need to understand what is driving the behavior for the behavior can go away. I know first hand that it takes many many many flirtations with your ED before you can fully let go of it. So, it's ok and normal that you are having this happen again. But, you can't ever give up. Just stay determined to get better, keep asking why, keep understanding and fixing the emotional component and you will be ok.

thank you so much I will do this today is another day and i am going to either pickup this laptop and read or do any other numbers of things before i go through it. it so much more than food or the numbers on a scale this is my life and i want it back!
the emotional component is so big too. my therapist keeps asking me what is ed doing to satisfy me? some of the time i want to say if i knew that I wouldn't be here but I understand where she's coming from.
the why is the most important thing. i have been gaining about 1.5 pounds per month because of ed and my dependency on the behavior. i can't wear clothes that i dieted myself into i don't want to show my picture now (even though I look the same in my face) but choose ones of when i was my lowest 15 lbs ago.
i want that person back but i got there by restricting and hurting myself. i want to get there through mindfulness and love and self care. i have to keep remembering this when it gets out of control

Oh...don't worry about your picture or your clothes. I know it seems like those are causing you pain - but it is the ED that is really causing you pain. It sounds like you have a good therapist and she is really onto something. I would trust her - understand what need the ED is satisfying and then find other ways to satisfy it so you can let it go. Don't give up, I believe in you!