Back when I was in high school I remember stealing an exacto knife from my art class. I kept it hidden under my mattress and at night I would pull it out an cut my arms up. I remember my boss at my job grabbing my arm as asking "what the hell happened to my arm" - and I told her something like it was one of my friend's pets... I LOVED the feeling of actually seeing the blood - I didn't want to kill myself - I just wanted to actually SEE the pain that I was feeling inside... but high school was the last time I hurt myself - that is - until recently... and now it's not just cutting...
I did cut my arm up a few months ago and for some reason when I look at the scars it gives me comfort...yet I also hate having to constantly hide it from people because I don't want the answer the questions it would bring... people just don't understand it. When I cut myself a few months ago I got checked into a psych ward because my whole family thought I was suicidal... however I think it brought my husband comfort when the nurses didn't believe I was.... WHICH I'M NOT... I'm too scared to die...
It's just been recently that I've started to hurt myself in other ways (because I don't know where to cut myself without people seeing it (especially my husband) - I guess doing what I'm doing isn't any better - but I've been punching my hand into the wall. I only do it when I'm really low and frustrated - when I'm crying non-stop - but like I need to break my hand and have more medical bills... all reason goes out the window when you can think past your tears...
I just needed to get this off my chest... because I KNOW I can't talk about it with my husband (as supportive as he is - he would be PISSED if he knew I was hurting myself again and would probably check me into the psych hospital again... :(
hey i really hope you are ok.. i stopped self harming for a while (not that long im only 20 lol) and all of a sudden i had to harm again, i rarely cut now, but more the banging of limbs. i broke my arm in june from self harm. and managed to keep the real reason secret too.
can i please encourage you to seek help.. you dont need it taking over your life again, theres obviously a reason behind you feel you need to cut, and thats wat u need to tackle.
wish you all the best
xx
Thanks for your post… and like I said - I haven’t cut myself since the beginning of this year (for fear of being busted) - but then like punching my hand is any better?? How would I even come up with a reason as to HOW it happened? It got bruised up - but no one said anything… and it was sore… I can’t even imagine breaking a limb - or how you could go about it -
The sad thing is - like you mentioned - when no one even asked you about your injuries… how BLIND can people be??? Can’t they see you are hurting? But at the same time people also don’t understand how someone could deliberately hurt themselves and so they would automatically assume you’re insane (like my family did with me) and they can take the WRONG actions which will only make things worse…
How is your arm btw? Has it healed??? Hope you are doing okay too… ((HUGS))
Frustration - Frustration that others cannot see your pain. I am in the same boat as fading away. Did it in High School and started again after 30 years (stopped now). If I may, I will tell you my perception. I am a care taker and my husband is a tap dancer. When he does something that hurts me or say - breaks a promise, something like that, and I tell him or call him out on it, his response is to NEVER BE WRONG. What he does is turn it around on me and attack my self esteem by saying I'm too sensitive or you tricked me into that promise, things like that. It took me years to realize what he was doing (with therapy) and that he has his own issues. The point is that it is the frustration that he cannot see that the things he does impact me and cause me pain because of my experiences in my life. He makes it 100 times worse by then attacking my self esteem and making it my fault. My pain is then buried even further.
Does this make any sense?
YES - you completely make sense! We do this out of frustration and a feeling of hopelessness… we want people to help us - but usually they don’t know how so they just ignore it -
With your husband - I can’t say my situation is the same - but it is similar in respect to that when we get into arguments he has to ALWAYS be right - and because I’M the one with mental illnesses - he makes me doubt myself too - which in turn destroys my self-esteem… he at least knows that it’s not helping me when he does this - (When we argue - he knows how to push my buttons) - and although he says he’s trying to stop doing that - it seems to be the same story every time we fight.
It’s in that moment when I get so frustrated and angry that I want to smash my hand through glass - I’ve been tempted so many times - a window - a mirror - but then the aftermath would be a bitch - “I’m crazy” after all…
WE are NOT crazy - we are hurting - and we just want to be heard - and taken seriously - that’s it… if people would just get that… you know?