Still broken. I wonder if I will be forever. I used to have the feeling like I would be shocked or disappointed if "love stories" failed. Now I feel like, well you knew it was coming. I feel like instead of just going with it, letting yourself love and be open, you always have to be prepared for it to fail or hurt. I feel like my whole attitude to relationships and marriage is all skewed. Like the ones that last are because you were strong enough to get past the hurt, because now it seems like all marriages have hurt in them. My husband is trying and is remorseful. And is actions are the main reason I am trying to rebuild. But I just can't shake the feeling of, I thought you loved me before all this, I thought our love story was the real thing. But it ended up just being the typical, see the broken heart part was coming. When I think of people only knowing each other for a few months, I feel like, just wait until the infatuation wears off, someone will get hurt, it is only a matter of time. Even stupid love movies aren't the same. I just can't even let the fantasy of a good love story feel good. Nothing like that happens in real life. After the movie goes off, real life would set in and it start a different movie about betrayal or just stopping loving someone, stop caring. It is so dumb. I miss feeling good about love and marriage, being able to feel happy about love movies instead of jealous they have a good innocent love. And feeling like even the couples I think are doing good, probably have a secret. It makes me feel, lonely. Like I had this unrealistic idea of love and marriage that it was the one thing you could count on. But it isn't real. It will still fail you at some point. I feel dumb for putting to much of myself, letting myself count on one person. And now I am fighting the feeling of you should probably just take care of yourself, because other people may let you down if you count on them.
You meet someone, make plans for you whole life around them. Your entire future is because of them. Then when they hurt you, again, your entire future can change because of them. The idea of this seems... so silly now. Like why would you do that? Why do we do that? We are all setting ourselves up to be royally screwed, because you counting on someone that has their own mind, makes their own choices and who really knows if you will be something that weighs in or their choices.
I feel angry that we have this stupid expectation of people. If we didn't count on people so much, we wouldn't get hurt. I have not even been hurt that much, or by that many people, but I just feel over it. I can't imagine those who have been hurt by other people in different ways. And I have in fact hurt people with my choices. My now husband. We all do it. I don't like this feeling. I miss feeling the feeling of being safe from people you try to count on and love. I miss the feeling of believing in love stories. I miss the feeling of whatever I thought marriage was before all this. I can't even remember anymore. I miss thinking about other things besides, work on my marriage, work on my marriage, don't think about the hurt, think on the good. But I can't help the think about what happened when I thought things were "good". What if I think they are "good" again? What if... miss my marriage without all the what ifs....
You are doing a lot of thinking. I can relate of course and the words "welcome to being an adult" come to mind. It's funny that childish actions bring us to this new place where we lose our innocence. Ironic.
Funny, as soon as I used the word affair, referring to my husband, I instantly felt more grown up. Like this is something adults deal with. Funny, didn't think of childish action... making us lose our innocence.
Point on. I think, many people goes through these feelings off and on. The only thing we can do is work on ourselves and learn how to be happy with us! Don't rely so much on others to make your world beautiful! Do it yourself, learn to live with u, and if they decide to leave... it will be less painful. The only people that is guaranteed to stick with you is you and your family members. Happiness is learning to be content with one's self.
@Lindakay17 I do agree with that, but the last time I did things on my own, felt good about myself, got involved in activities I loved doing, my husband was busy getting girl friends. Part of it was I put some distance between us and if he wasn’t going to do things with me, then I would just do them myself. So now I don’t know what is going to feel good? Being close to him, depending on him and fight the feeling of “be careful, you could get hurt” or do things you enjoy, even though I keep feeling like last time I did this… he was also doing things he enjoyed. I know it is mostly a mind game and getting past this things I do that make be remember what it was like during affair time. I just can’t seem to find a plan that feels good. I feel all messed up, like either way it isn’t going to feel good.
You deserve to be happy.
I think you are robbing yourself of he spontaneity of life. I know it is not your fault but I think you might be sabotaging yourself Ask yourself if you are harboring bitterness and missing the joys you deserve? You seem obsessed with dwelling on the regrets. I know it is difficult to get past this stuff but it takes effort and you can do it. Let some of this stuff go for your own sake. If you are still in a bad place with all this than what can you do to stop and savor life, things that are just for you? Do not make your life a bitter epitaph to all the crap you have been handed. Make your life a testimonial to all it can be and should be. You deserve to be happy. Please try to shake off wallowing in some of this. I know you have had some time. But is he still causing you this much grief? I am sorry you are feeling so low. Than maybe it might be time for a change. I want you to strive to be your old self. Life is too short to be miserable. Sending you all my strength. xx
Wow... Looks to me like you are where i was, lost. Maybe you should try meditation. It helps you to organize your thoughts and bring clarity to your life.
it will give you more clarity over your situation. Once you have self understanding, you won't have emotional attachments to things/people that does not serve you. All the answers are within you. You can Youtube meditation methods for beginners
The statistics are very high for the number of people who cheat. I think you are right, we have all lived in a fantasy world where things work out. It's hard not to completely disillusioned with love following this kind of betrayal. I think however, that we must not only learn to love again, but learn to love fiercely again. If we cannot do that, we will always have a hole that cannot be filled.
@Big08 I felt like I understood how important is was to get back to where you were but better. Especially during the early stages of “recovering” but I just can’t let go off the idea about when I was comfortable, finally was feeling good about life and where I was,
Half of it was actually a lie, since my husband was basically not who I thought he was. So what exactly an I trying to get to? It is like trying to picture a new place and you not sure how you are going to get there and are not sure of what will even be there. I guess I am feeling pretty lost today.
I think your post is great because it shows you are learning from this. Yes it sounds down but it also sounds like the foundation of a new beginning. Focus on that. I read early on in my struggle (and I am sure said it lots on this site) that marriage is a "positive illusion". The love you thought you had has not really changed, only your perception of it, you put a positive spin on it. That is what our culture or media teaches us, love stories and happily ever after. Reality is that no marriage is perfect, they all struggle. But I believe love is bigger than that. It exists, it is not an illusion only the marriage is. A fantasy or an affair can get in the middle and screw up the marriage promises but the love may or can still be there and grow again. The key is "may or can", if it is then agree to try again and be positive. If is not split and move on. Forget about the past, the marriage...move on, find love again with or without your spouse.
I feel your pain!! Everything you have said is everything I have also thought about. I look at people on the street being affectionate or families out doing stuff and I wonder are they really happy or has this S%*T happened to them too. Or when i see young couples, i think of myself and how I never even imagined this happening to me back when i was younger. We were so much in love and happy and now look what im dealing with. big hug for you!
@angryandhurt29 But suddenly he is tell me it is. Of course that is what I want to hear… But why did it take an affair? I know I don’t understand because I am on this side of the affair, it is just hard to take what you hear now and go with it.
@Jenn7814 I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I understand because I am feeling the same way also. I hope I will be able to look at marriage and relationships differently then I do now. I know I can never trust someone that deeply ever again but I also know that I have to be able to trust and let them in. I just wonder if I will ever be able to do that with MH again. I admitted to him on Monday something that I know hurt him. He was upset b/c he was out of town all weekend and when I arrived at the house I went straight for the dogs and not him. I admitted that I feel I have to be on my guard around him. That I have to guard my heart. His response...."that will get us no where". No reassurance, no comforting, nothing. I struggle so much with myself right now. I can't help but wonder...am I making another mistake with this man? Do I really belong here? Do we really belong together? Maybe this is all part of the process. I have gone from utter sadness to the point of not being to function to absolute anger to where I became scarred and now I feel despair. We seem to be cycling at the same time Jenn. I am trying to get myself in a better place but I feel sooooo alone. That this is a one person battle.
I appreciate everyone's support. After reading everything and thinking some more I think I can verbalize more what I am afraid of when it comes to figuring out how to be happy. I agree, I have to feel good again about myself, and things that I enjoy doing. However, I feel like through my whole marriage I constantly struggled with balancing being a mom, wife, working, then some how having time to do things I like to do . We have struggled with our marriage a lot. Not a lot of fighting, but over all balancing husband and wife duties with parenting, household and jobs. For years I have felt like I was not ever good enough to make him happy. When I finally felt like we had some progress, getting a long, he had made some changes to be helpful, I was making time to do things I enjoy, I just realize really it wasn't balanced. I just feel like no matter how hard I work on being happy and taking care of my husband and family, there is just something else that isn't right. I just feel like every couple years I again realize I wasn't doing this right, or handling that right. By the time I get close and feel happy, will my kids all be moved out and I all old, and worst yet my husband tired to the trial and error of me trying to be a good wife. It really shouldn't be this hard to just be happy and enjoy a simple life. Still rambling... lol one of those days.
At first it was really hard to concentrate at work. I kept exchanging texts back and forth with her. I had a million questions. I was looking up phone logs. I was going crazy. I forced myself to do just enough work to get by. It has since gotten better. I can function on near normal levels, but I still think about "it" throughout the day.
@CobraKai73 - Same here. Almost 6 months since d day but the first few months were ROUGH. I can now push myself to no LINGER on the train of downward spiral thoughts, but the triggers of “it” are everyday and no lie probably about 50 times but that is down from about 1,000 per day.
Jenn, I'm so sorry you are feeling down again....that's one thing that I'm so sick of!! The extreme emotional ups and downs. I feel depression slowly rearing its ugly head, and I'm terrified. Hopefully you are able to get through this tough spot without it negatively affecting all of the healing and hard work you've been doing lately. I hope you don't mind that I'm praying for you. Hang in there!!! Maybe do this...try to intentionally be happy for at least an hour today. It will be hard, almost a fake it till you make it kind of thing. I find that when I'm extremely intentional about my thoughts and behaviors, I'm better able to counter the ugly thoughts and feelings that arise. It's when I relax and stop being careful that I start sliding again. Usually when I'm successful at having a happy hour, that hour turns into two, two turn into three, and so on.