I’ve replied to several posts, but now it’s time for me to post. I am a compulsive shopper. I’m trying everything under the sun to help me - 12 step programs, a “boot camp” online program for overshoppers, establishing a spending plan and trying to stick to it (the most successful attempt so far). I’ve been an overshopper pretty much all of my life. I’ve never been good at managing money. I’m finally getting a hand on it now with the help of a spending plan. I plan for the coming month, making sure that my bills are paid and then allocating what’s left to shopping for things I enjoy. I don’t earn a lot of money, but I manage to make ends meet. I joined Debtor’s Anonymous many months ago, and since then have not charged a purchase using a credit card. However, I opened a credit card with 0% APR for the next 18 months and transferred my balance from my AMEX to that card and am paying it down - I should be zero’d out in less than a year. I still shop. But I buy only when my spending plan allows. If I have enough money in a given category, I shop without guilt. If I don’t have enough money, I wait until next month. I pay my debt off monthly and save for my emergency fund every month as well. I’ve made enormous progress in setting myself up to live within my means and get myself out of debt. But I still crave purchases! I want things that I do not need. But I really, really want them. I’ve been going through an Ugg phase, where I want their latest shoes/sandals/sneakers. I wear them constantly when I do buy them,. so justify my purchases that way. But I really don’t need so many shoes. I also just made an order through Etsy for a bunch of caftans made by a very talented creator in Thailand. I’ve bought several pieces from her in the past and know that I’ll wear these frequently as well. But it’s out of hand. I go to Debtor’s Anonymous meetings, but have mixed feelings about them. DA says I’m supposed to give my will over to God as I understand him. And that will bring about my salvation. I believe in free will - something God gave to us and I don’t think wants returned. I need a better understanding of how to rein in my spending. It is like an addiction. I do it often and outside validation spurs it on. When I receive compliments for an outfit I’m wearing, it adds fuel to the fire. Maybe poor self esteem? I’ve been using affirmations to try to improve that. If anyone has any ideas about how to help me, I’m all ears! I’ll keep going to DA, and try to rein in my spending. But there are things that I feel I just must have. Uggs fall into this category. I can’t cut myself off. I do pay my bills, and am digging myself out of debt. But after that, I’m a spend thrift! How do I say no to something that I believe I will use and will bring me happiness? Please share your thoughts! Thank you!
Hello!
I wonder if you have ever analyzed why buying things makes you happy? My therapist is often reminding me to discover my motivations behind my actions.
Are there other things that bring you the same elation?
Are there tasks that need completed when you get the urge to shop?
I arranged a “scrub swap” with my colleagues. We all brought our stuff and “shopped!” I felt the same joy bringing home something “new” and I’m able to use the same space. Didn’t cost a dime and there was a lot of laughter.
I wish you the best of luck and want you to be proud if the amazing progress you’ve already made!
Thank you for your insightful questions and suggestions. I truly appreciate them. I’m afraid that I don’t know enough people in my town to arrange for a “swap” meet of any kind. I think that’s part of my problem. Since moving here I haven’t really met anybody that I resonate with. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband, but not many friends here. I do have some fabulous gal pals, but they all live in different states. I don’t get to see them very often, although we email and call each other frequently. I volunteer one day a week at a memory care facility and have made some friends there among the staff and residents. But I don’t really have a friend to go out for coffee with, go out to lunch, etc. That’s why I think I enjoy the Zooms of Debtor’s Anonymous, and the time spent working with my sponsor. I think I need more social activities in my life. As to things that bring me the equivalent elation that shopping does, I enjoy creating art, making music, being outdoors. I need to do more of these things. You’re right about that. Perhaps I’m simply lonely for soulful connections. So I need to commence a search for individuals who feed my soul. I’ve been looking for a spiritual home in my town but haven’t found the right church yet. The ones that I’ve been to have included discussions on politics, and I think that politics has no place in a spiritual home. I want to feel connected to the people that I spend time with - not separated. Maybe I just haven’t found the right place of worship yet. I think the community that comes along with a spiritual home would help me a great deal. As to why buying things makes me happy - that’s a great question. The caftans that I ordered are each unique and truly wearable art. The Uggs are comfy right out of the box and give me a little more height and style. I enjoy buying them - I truly do. And with a spending plan I can get these things in moderation. That’s what I’ll call a happy medium for now. The spending plan has really been key for me. It makes me consider whether I can afford a purchase and then I ask myself what I’m going to do with the item - where it will go (into my overstuffed closets usually!) Thank you for responding to my post and please, if you feel inclined, lets keep up this dialog. I’m sure there are others who can benefit from reading our discussion. I am! Thank you!
Hello again!
Wow! I’m even MORE proud of you now. Your answers are insightful and I think you’re right on about filling the “hole” with “things” when you really need relationships!
As for a place of worship, you’ll find it! It’s so wonderful that you are trying and I agree 100%, politics are not for a house of worship.
Donating your time is an excellent way to give to your community and care homes are always in need. You are helping so many people with their troubles!
I lost my kitty this week and the emptiness in the house is overwhelming! I’ve decided to volunteer at a cat shelter and maybe foster some kitties in the future.
I think you’ve done an excellent job giving yourself the spending bank. It’s very important to treat yourself for all your hard work! Those overstuff closets could really help a shelter, too 
.
I did that after I moved and the shelter was so grateful for the clothes!
I am also new to my area and looking for friends-it’s so much harder as an adult!
Keep up the great work and please keep writing. I’ll be back to read what you put out!!
Best wishes!! You GOT this!
Oh, I wish you were right about “You Got This”! I unfortunately had a relapse this past week. After not using my credit card for about 5 months, I charged up a storm. I’m not sure why. I had a particularly painful session with my therapist during which I recounted a very traumatic experience from my teens. It opened some old wounds. I also just had a birthday, and lets’ face it, aging is not kind to women in our culture. I thought it didn’t bother me - I joked about it - but maybe it did. I went on a 3 day binge - I bought tunics and leggings, 4 pairs of Uggs, a new dress, opaque black tights, and lots of books. I ran up about $800 in new debt. I have since gone about returning some of these items. I’ll manage to pay the rest off in a couple months. But my spending plan will be tight for that period. Usually I have a little wiggle room in my spending plan for some shopping, but this month I did not. My dog had her annual physical and then tore a tendon in her knee. She’s slowly recovering, but on pain meds. She required xrays and the bill for the vet and the pain meds just brought me to my limit. I took money from my emergency account to pay for some of it. But it left me broke. She’s worth every penny and more, so please don’t think I’m complaining. I just think that’s one of the reasons I turned to my credit card, and once I made that first purchase, the dam broke free! I spent and spent (it was fun!) But now I’m picking up the pieces. I obviously regret doing it and need to learn to live within my means. I wish I knew why I loved shopping so much! It’s “shopertainment” - I have fun just cruising through online websites. And hitting “Add to cart” is easy. I just need to remember to check my spending plan before hitting “Check out”. Thanks for responding to my post and for reading this now. I’m all ears for your thoughts on this. And I want to add that I’m terribly sorry that you lost your kitty. Our bond with our animals can be so strong. My dog is my best pal - she follows me everywhere and is great company. That’s why it’s been so hard to watch her limping - favoring the leg she injured. I wish I could do more for her. The vet said it’s a long recovery. We’ll just have to wait and brave through it. Looking forward to your response, and thank you for your time and your thoughts!
Hi there,
I’m not quite a shopaholic but I have dipped my toes in the pond. One of the things that helps me when I have the urge to get something I don’t need (I several weaknesses I ironically call hobbies) is to reflect on why I want it. Do I want it to actually have it, or am I just enamored with the novelty of it?
I also try sitting with the thing I’m considering replacing and seeing if I still love it. Sometimes the shiny new thing is just the flavor of the month and it isn’t worth your time.
Thank you for your thoughts. I typically am not replacing something when I shop - I’m adding to my collections of books, clothes, shoes, art, etc. When it comes to shoes, I do wear them (but I have some tucked away for special occasions that never seem to materialize). I am guilty of having some new clothes in my closets (note the plural) that have price tags still attached. Books I read like crazy, so they get read. I sometimes pass them on afterwards, but mostly hang on to them in case I wanna re-read them. Art hangs everywhere in my house, and I have bins of it in the garage (not the best storage conditions). I amass stuff. I put myself through college and two advanced degrees. Those were some lean years. Maybe I’m just making up for going without for so long (irrational, I know). But I don’t think it’s the novelty of having something - I generally am just attracted to unique, unusual finds that I truly enjoy. I just need to do this in moderation, and that’s where I run into trouble (at least I did this past week). Do you use a spending plan or budget of any sort? What do you use to rein in your spending?
Thank you for your kind words. I deeply understand the pain of watching your buddy hurt while healing. What a lucky pup to have you!
I want you to remember that every addiction has a terrible need to drag you back in. You have made some very wise choices to return some things and recommit to your spending budget! Don’t let this get you down!!! You do GOT THIS!