So, last night my family and I got home from vacation. While there though, I got into a fight with my mom. She said that I was weird for shaving my arms. Now, my arms are something I am extremely insecure about. I said it wasn't, she said it was, and it got out of hand. It ended with us screaming at each other and crying and me locking myself in the hotel bathroom. It'd been a long time since I'd cried that much, and wanted to SI so bad. I ended up cutting my wrist with the new razor I had brought. SI with a razor was a new one for me. I only cut myself once though before my sister came to my aid. If it weren't for her, I know I would've gone much deeper.
Ever since that loss of control, I've been having these really strong urges to SI. I've been getting upset really easily and crying often. Sometimes for no reason at all. It's gotten to the point where I want to every night, and it's been really hard for me to restrain. I have been, I just don't know why these urges are so strong. I just...don't know what to do anymore.....
These urges are covering up something that is deeper that you realize. If you have someone that you can talk and a person that you can trust, being a friend, family or a professional medical, this way you will know what is really behind all of this. Do not deal with this alone, there are good people out there, that can help you. This site has wonderful people that will be happy to assist you. God bless you.
Well, I've found lately that I really can talk to my sister. When she came and got me in the hotel bathroom, she gave me some of her natural, non-prescription stress reducers. We talked for a while and she joked about how she wanted to make sure I didn't kill myself in the bathroom or anything. She didn't see my wrist though. I don't know if she knows about the SI or not. But I think she might suspect it. See, I recently found out that when she was two years younger than me, she was cutting herself for the same reasons. So, she's been good to talk to when possible. Like, earlier today I told her about how I used to be anorexic and went through a bulimic stage. It didn't last long, but the main problem was my reasons why.
Unfortunately, I can't talk to my sister much. As much as she understands and wants to help, she has a recently diagnosed anxiety disorder. We've pretty much known all her life, but it's gotten so much worse in the last few months. She bursts out crying for no reason. She tries to do everything and even though she knows she's stressing herself out, she can't stop. She's been having frequent anxiety attacks and is having a lot of trouble. She couldn't calm down when we were sitting in a whirlpool together on vacation. So, naturally, I can't talk to her about my own problems when there's so much going on in her own life. If anything, I want to help her. So, I can't justify talking about my feelings at this part of her life, even if she's the only one who really understands.
hey lindsey
i am so sorry to hear you are having issues w/ your SI, it has got to be some kind of a release for uncomfortable feelings.
it is so kind and thoughtful of you to think of your sister's best interest but you know what?
it may help her for you to talk to her?
you know how when you help someone else it takes your mind off your own problems and it also allows us to feel better about ourselves right?
so dont' discount her because she has anxiety
how do you think she would feel if she knew that you wanted or needed to talk to her and didn't?
as opposed to how do you think she may feel if you do talk to her and she is able to help you through your problems?
just a thought for you to consider.
If you choose not to go that way , have you tried journalling?
writing out your feelings ? that may help to release it too.
how about exercise? some type of activity that you can do instead of SI, something healthy you can do.
Exercise is great for reducing stress and anxiety, maybe invite your sister to go for a walk every eveing and you all can just take long walks together, talk and work it out together, who knows maybe you all can help each other out that way.
walking together every evening may be a good way to get that exercise and endorphins moving, it will help her w/ her anxiety and will help you because you can now go walking when you feel uncomfortable, plus maybe you can talk as you go about things so that you don't keep feelings cooped up inside that come out unexpectedly......it will be a good quality time for the both of you! you can simply say you heard that walking is a great way to relieve anxiety and does she want to go with you?
Just an idea but a simple one that doesn't require any money just the desire to go outside and walk yourself silly!
give it a try next time you are feeling badly or else be proactive and go before you start feeling bad and see how you feel.
Prayers for you to feel better and to get over the tendencies to SI. and for your sister w/ her anxiety...
Well, I've kept a journal for a year and a half. It helps.
As for the walking, I used to exercise when I wanted to SI, but couldn't stick to it, and I usually get the urges late at night, so my parents wouldn't let me get on the bike or anything at one in the morning.
Also, because of my sisters extreme anxiety, she wants so so bad to be skinny. She's been exercising for at least an hour a day since she was in high school. Right now, she's a junior in college and exercises more than she ever has. I know how it sounds, but she really doesn't have an exercise addiction. She's just determined to reach her goal. But it's not something she's obsessed with or anything. Her and my father just want to keep up a healthy life-style with daily exercise and healthy eating.
But I guess that could also be a plus. She's always willing to go for a walk. I just know it would do nothing at all to relieve her anxiety. I feel bad for her. Like, last night. I was sitting here on the computer and she walked downstairs and just burst into tears and started having an anxiety attack. Lucky our mom's a counselor and dad's a doctor. They were able to help her calm down quickly.