Study on sex and relationships

interesting study on sex and when it happens and how it can affect relationships. i think this is something that always comes in to question when dating and when is the right time.

"Delaying sex makes for a more satisfying and stable relationship later on, new research finds.
Couples who had sex the earliest — such as after the first date or within the first month of dating — had the worst relationship outcomes.
"What seems to happen is that if couples become sexual too early, this very rewarding area of the relationship overwhelms good decision-making and keeps couples in a relationship that might not be the best for them in the long-run," study researcher Dean Busby, of Brigham Young University's School of Family Life, told LiveScience."

Read the entire article here: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2010/12/28/delaying-sex-makes-better-relat...

Thank you so much for posting this incredibly insightful article. It's just what I needed as I am back in the dating game again after a 5 month relationship. My biggest pitfall in my last relationship is that we had sex far too early and it definitely blurred the reality of the relationship. I very much believe what this article states and my plan has been to abstain until I am in a solid committed relationship, and where I know that we have laid a solid foundation.

Thanks again!

Just my thoughts.. lets name them Sex and a cup of Coffee

Though I do believe the findings... it seems the question is unanswered as to why.. Bad answer to a wonderful question. Take my old coffee cup .. it was given to me by a friend who died a few years back.. You fill the cup and kick back and relax and there are memories.. it seems everything is better in that cup.. there is understanding and a past and each cup of coffee is something more than simply the coffee itself. Like sex is the sharing of all you are.. all you and your partners memories and the important thing.. you both come equally to a place you know for once you are totally understood. It seems early sex might just turn into a cup of coffee and if you break that cup plenty more on the counter.. If you take your time sex changes from simply satsyfing the physical to feeding the spiritual and finding peace.

I've had a pretty lackluster love life for the past three years, so sometimes when I see articles about sex and relationships I get really cynical. I wanted to say, "Well ... Duh!" when I read that article, but the truth is, I have only just recently figured this out. Thinking back, most of my relationships involved sex on or around the third date. It was usually me initiating it as well, impatient as I am. These relationships were all exclusive and long term, but, as is evidenced by the fact that I am still not married, they weren't made to last and were lacking in so many ways.

I've come to think of sex as being more meaningful as I did even 6 months ago. It was almost a matter of proving something for me before, as I've never gotten enough or the right kind of attention from the opposite sex. Now I don't want to rush into it and I want to explore other facets of a relationship before getting into that. Sex is essential to a relationship, but it is (by far) not the most important thing. The good thing is that since I've discovered this I have a boundary that makes me a little more at ease with the whole dating thing. It isn't about sex, so I'm less afraid.

In my case, however, I have a lot of trouble finding men to date who I'd consider as sex partners, so I tend to put that aspect before anything else. This leads to bad choices. I see a guy I find physically attractive and I suddenly become willing to put up with a lot of things I would find unacceptable in any other man. The idea that I can find a man who will love me, be my friend, connect with me spiritually, AND be attractive to me is still something I consider to be a myth. How is that even possible? I meet guys all the time who are great and fun to be around and who I 'click' with, but I don't want to date them, and most of the time they don't want to date me either. I'm still trying to figure it out!

Ststephenmc, as usual, thank you so much for your wonderful insight and for putting it in such a meaningful way. I totally and completely agree with you; intimacy needs to be more of a deep connected experience, rather than just one of a pure physical act between two people.

Heather, I can totally relate to you on so many levels. I've had great relationships in the past, but now looking back at some of them, they've really been driven by sex. As long as the sex is good, the relationship would keep going and going. My last relationship, although only 5 months, was the classic case of jumping into sex far too quickly without knowing one another. We even traveled together and that's when reality set it....who is this guy?!?!? It was totally and utterly scary. Here I was sharing a bed with this man who I didn't even really know. The sex was so fantastic that it completely blinded me to the real person. Now, I am on an abstinence kick with my closest girlfriend and we are sticking to it. It's so great to have someone who shares your outlook and helps you stay strong.

Now, what you're going through is so totally normal, because we want someone who we are physically attracted to, but the key is to make sure that there is substance beyond that. I've been in a relationship before where I wasn't attracted to the man from the onset, but I fell in love with him as a person and then my attraction grew. I don't have a type per se, I always tend to be attracted to personalities and intellect, as well as an overall good person. So, I am now in a place where a trustworthy and kind man is key, all else will follow. If he and I can lay down a solid foundation and have total respect for one another, I am hoping that the good intimacy will happen naturally. But for me, sex has to be more than a physical act at this point, it really needs to be something special that's shared between a man I am truly in love with. And, not just a physical animalistic act. Mind you, I was never one to jump into bed with a man too soon, and I always believed that there was more than just the physical, but looking back now, I know that wasn't the case.

I know that you will find your ONE. You absolutely will.

I've been on an abstinence kick for three years. The only thing that has changed for me is that I now see it more as a choice rather than something that fate has cruelly put upon me. Honestly, sex is not something that has ever been easy for me to access, that's why I tend to jump into it prematurely when I find a guy who's willing and halfway decent. By the time a guy comes along, I'm fairly well past desperation! It's not an easy thing, finding someone to have a solid relationship with. That's all I know for sure!

btw - That story about growing to love a man, I hear that a lot. I understand how that can work, but I think I would resist it if it were to happen to me. The whole process of falling in love with someone who I didn't feel sparks for fairly early on goes against my definition of attraction. It just seems so ... not special. It also seems like settling for second best so I think I'd always have doubts. There's definitely a 'type' I go for and I'd feel like a loser if I ended up with a man who wasn't that type.

Heather, I commend you for choosing abstinence, and I am right there with you now. I understand where you are coming from regarding the attraction and chemistry. I usually need to feel that instant click. But I surprised myself recently when I attended an event and talked to just about everyone but this one guy who kept trying to get into conversation with me. Finally towards then end of the night, he approached and kindly asked if I wanted anything to drink. He did it in such a kind way and then struck up conversation. We talked for a while and then exchanged information. The next evening we met and went for a long walk around our neighborhood (we surprisingly live a couple of blocks away from one another) and then talked endlessly over a glass of wine. I didn't feel instant chemistry or a click when I initially saw him at the party, but it grew and grew after we started spending more time together. He's been out of the country for the past few weeks, but we've kept in contact via email. I am really looking forward to seeing him when he's back. I honestly don't believe that you'd be settling at all if you gave a nice guy a chance, maybe look at it as meeting a nice new friend and take it from there. I have changed my outlook and am willing to give a nice genuine guy a chance even if there isn't instant chemistry. Just a thought.

Yeah, I used to be able to be charmed by men who had a genuine interest in me. There's something very wonderful about that, but those relationships ended with my losing interest BIG time and becoming cold towards him. I've never gotten the guy I wanted. It seems like I've always settled for the guy who wanted me and I thought I could make the best of it. It left me feeling cheated out of something important and I was resentful. I don't want that to happen again.

That makes total sense Heather and you should never have to settle for anything less than what you deserve; a great love. It's so good that you've experienced that and now know that you won't go there again. Just like I know that I will never dive right into a relationship again without knowing the person first for who they are.

its great to hear everyone talking here. i have really been up in the air on this topic. i sometimes think that if its the right person then does it really matter when sex happens? i have friends who had sex on the third date and are now married, those who hooked up while dating others and are now married, and friends who waited a couple of months and are married. i also know the opposite too, friends who slept with someone right away and never heard from them, or waited a month then never heard from the guy. sometimes i think its all a crap shoot.

i do think the bottom line is doing what is most comfortable to you. i do believe that there is something to be said about getting to know someone first cause sometimes that attraction can change when you do.

I totally agree with you on that Victoria1981; I think it's all about doing what's right for you. For me, abstaining until the relationship's on solid ground is the route I'm taking now....all based on my past experience. I really want to know and see the person clearly and feel I can do that best when sex is not a part of the equation.