Suspecting parents

Since coming home for college I have lost more than ten pounds but I have been keeping it constant lately at the same weight. Yesterday when my family and I went to a memorial service for my grandmother, my parents started saying I looked thin. That I looked like I did before when I was sick. Of course I was going to say no I am fine because I hate having weaknesses and I actually am not thin at all! I feel like a balloon. Especially since I have been eating like a pig these past few days.
My parents only talk about how fat they are all the time and how they get to diet and loose weight, why cant I do the same. I am no where near being too thin, and I know I am at a 'good' weight but I still feel huge. I am just so mad at them because when I was really sick before, they said I looked great and never suspected anything but when I loose a few pounds and am no where near my lowest weight they are thinking I am sick again! I could understand if I lost like twenty five pounds but simply ten! And over a month.
Instead of this making me upset that they are suspecting my old behaviors again, I feel like I need to loose weight to almost prove them right. Not to mention I still feel gross because I tried to eat more than usual yesterday to stop them from freaking out and ended up binging a million things! I feel out of control and no where near recovery... I don't even know why I recovered in the first place any more.

I think I know kind of how you feel. :( I'm sorry your struggling so much. well,my dad never ever noticed before I went for help but since he became aware of what was happening(hit over the head with it,i like to say,because I don't know how he didn't see before) he like freaks out about everything and is constantly nagging me about how much I eat and how often I exersize,even though now I'm finally getting the help I need,and don't really need his concern like I did before I got help. It makes me mad sometimes,like where was he then?? why does he think he has the right to freak out now,that I've already gotten help? he's just making my recovery harder. but like I said,i know it's just out of love. it sounds like your parents are reacting in a similar way.
and just be careful,okay? you sound like your still gripped by your disorder,when you say how fat you think you are,even though everyone else thinks your thin. and dropping ten pounds might not be a ton of weight,but just be careful not to let yourself slip back,okay? hang in there,I'm here if you ever need to talk. hugs &prayers!

Exactly my point Ella! When I was so sick and thin, they never noticed anything- not that I was stick thin, extremely depressed, and needing help. They thought I looked fantastic and that I was perfect. In a way I was hoping they would notice and get me out of my personal hell. And now they know I had a problem (though I never got any help), they freak out about everything I eat or don't eat and my weight.
I must say, yes, I am having a hard time again and am getting sucked back into my ED but I am no where near where I was. So I don't understand why my parents are getting upset now when I am so much heavier than my lowest weight. I am just mad at them for not being there when I need them, ever. They never got me help though I needed it, they never noticed anything till I spelled it out for them, and all they do is make fun of my ED like it was a joke! UGH they just don't understand anything and it makes me so upset and angry...

I'm so sorry.:( but i feel exactly the same way..it took me a long time to forgive my dad-sometimes i don't even think I have,completely. I felt like i was standing in the middle of the room screaming,and nobody so much as looked up at me,so why do they have the right to nag me now? but i know it's out of love,and I have to forgive them and myself over and over. but,I think it's important to say how you feel,or at least aknowledge it yourself. do you think it would help,or make it worse if you told them how they make you feel?
I know being on this site helped me so much just because nobody but the people on this site actually understand me. so I think we've just all got to stick together and hang in there,and always remember,your not alone,even though it feels like it,I know. but we've all got each other,and the most important thing is to make sure you don't relapse. do you have a doctor or therapist you could talk to?

I have never been able to talk to them, so that wouldn't happen. They only found out because my boyfriend basically forced me to. And I was supposed to get a therapist but the planning fell through and everyone forgot about me and how I needed help (parents and school psych/therapist?) this sight does help me feel less alone but I really wish I had a therapist or something because I keep getting worse everyday and I know it. But in a way I like the pull of my Ed. I like the control I feel by going back to my old behaviors- something to look forward to. And I know it's wrong but I can't stop myself. I am just confused and upset. I feel that even if they found out I was sick again they would just force feed me because that's what they did last time. Obviously doidnt work.

you mentioned your school therapist? can you go back and talk to them? they have to be able to help you.you mentioned that they force fed you,and nothing helped. but i think if you were able to find a good doctor they would. you said you've never been to one,right? so don't give up on treatment,you need someone who actually knows what they're doing.
I know how you feel about liking the disorder :"(...I feel the same way. I love it when I see that I've dropped a pound,and i hate myself if I see I've gained. But my little brother looked me in the eyes and asked me to not be sick anymore. I do this for him. It sounds like you have a really good boyfriend who loves you a lot. I know it's so so hard,but if you can't fight it for yourself(i understand,I didn't think I was worth it either) fight it for him and everyone else who loves you. okay? I'm always here if you need to talk.

Thank you so much for the advice. I can't go back to the school therapist since I don't go to high school anymore haha. But I will have another school one at college in august and possibly will seek help there. I have gotten better for others before, mostly for my boyfriend not really for my parents. It just...I can't explain it. I never figured out why i want to do this to myself or why I like it so much! I just do what others tell me- get better, eat this much a day. I never did it for myself which is why it keeps coming back. It is so frustrating. And to make matters worse, my distorted body image is getting worse. I went to the pool with my little brother today and was horrified when a month or two ago I would have been fine at what I look like even if I was ten pounds heavier then I am now! Spiraling out of control...

of course.:) I'm glad I helped even a little bit. i do think it would help for you to try and find out the emotional side of it all. i haven''t either yet...it's really scary to think about trying to face something so terrible that it would cause me to do this to myself,you know? but we'll get through it. we can do this. and you have to know,and always remember,you ARE worth it,okay? You deserve to be better for you,and not just everyone you love. even though I know sometimes it's hard to see the good in ourselves,just look at the people who love you. they love you for a reason,you know.:P

that's part of this disorder that scares me the most...or one of the parts,at least.I feel like my eyes or my brain are screwed up,you know? that I can't see myself like everyone else does.it's so scary:( I''m sorry it's getting worse. you gotta get some help asap,okay?

Yeah I'm working on it. I think I am going to try going to some group meetings that are near by. My boyfriend offered to take me cause i told him I was having some trouble again-just not the extent of it. I just have to find a Sunday cause something keeps coming up every Sunday. Maybe I just keep making things up myself. I should go though. I'm not ready to go to my parents. I'm just not there yet. When I get back to school, which I think will help since my parents are a big trigger, I will talk to the shrink there. But that is like two months away so by then I could be even worse.

Thank you for being so nice to me by the way. I keep trying to put your inspiring words into my head. Just got o keep convicing myself I am worth it, it's harder than it sounds. And you are so right about the seeing things weird. I hate that aspect that there is something so wrong that I can't see what others see or even feel what others feel for that matter. Emotions suck- I don't know how everyone around me figures them out because obviously I sure can't. I just want to let you know, any time you need to talk I am always here too. Thank you so much again. You're really making me feel less alone

I'm just glad i could help.:) and thank you too!you've been really nice to me also.:) it helps so much to have a friend who gets it. :) and ughh I so know what you mean about the subconscious self sabotage.(I.E,making things up so you don't have to go to the meetings)sounds dramatic,but that's what I call it. I think it's common in people with eating disorders-it's you trying to fight this,you know? trying not to listen to the eating disorder voice is one of the hardest parts of recovery,or,i think so anyway. but you can do it! hang in there,it'll be alright. let me know how it goes.

Allee and Ella,

This is a very nice string. ♥ I hope you will both continue writing, looking for answers, and seeking help. This is an insidious disease. The emotional roots run deep, and are multi-faceted. Whatever is fueling your eating disorders is probably difficult to identify, which is why you really need professional help as you try to figure it out and respond differently. There's nothing wrong with needing help. ♥ Asking for it is brave. Good for both of you! :)

Allee, I was especially struck by your suggestion that your parents are always talking about dieting and losing weight... I know, for me, my eating disorder was largely about my need to please others and "earn" their approval. I don't know if this is true for you, but it would make sense to me if you are trying to diet "well" in order to please your parents... Just an idea...

I'm sorry your parents didn't notice your need for help when you first became ill with this disease... You obviously needed their help, and you must have felt hurt when they didn't notice. You may not be as small as you were at your lowest weight, but your parents obviously care about you a lot and are now on alert for signs that you may be relapsing. And from what you've shared, they are right to be concerned... :0/ Relapse is unfortunately very common with eating disorders. And the fact that you never had treatment makes you particularly vulnerable.

I pushed aside my need for help for years... And over the years my eating disorder morphed from one type to another... I've heard every diagnosis applied to me at one point or other... Please don't let this happen to you! Don't suffer for 16 years with this before you seek professional help! Recovery is totally possible! You can both do this!! ♥ I've been walking the path to recovery for close to a year now... It's not easy, or perfect, or pretty... It's downright painful... But it IS possible. And it's SOOO worth it, as are both of you. :)

Love,

Jen

You are completely right in guessing. My whole life I have been surrounded by family members dieting or talking about their weight. I never understood the idea of liking your body or eating healthyfor that matter. When I was in fifth grade I became a vegetarian so I started my dieting then. In seventh grade I tried a restrictive diet for a week, then eighth for two weeks, ninth for three, tenth for four, and eleventh was when I got sick. I was so mad that they never got me help though. My dad in eleventh grade attempted suicide and he went to a center to get help and had all this support. For me, after I told them in my senior year, they decided to get me no hel. They said I'd be fine and then started making fun of my problem. ( "allee don't throw up your dinner haha") they were so mean about it. And they threaten me if I ever did it again like I'll tell grandma or whatever. I can't be perfect for them. I'm never good enough what ever I try to do. I'm sick of my daily struggle to be "okay". I want to give in. It would be easy- to tell you truthfully I have been giving in and it's so satisfying to finally be in control. To have something to look forward to. I know that's horrible but I'm so tired of dealing with it all.

Allee,

I know you feel like you're in control when you you give in to your eating disorder. It makes promises it can't keep... The truth is that your eating disorder is in control, not you, and you might feel safe with it for a while, but eventually it morphs into hell on earth... Please get help NOW!! You'll have a much easier time now than you will if you let the ED drag you deeper...

I know how hard it is to learn how to eat healthily when you've never been taught. Eating as a child, for me, was rarely about hunger. It was about LOTS of other things... Pleasing my parents. Stuffing down feelings. Starving out feelings. Control, control, control. Manage those emotions. Ask for help. Scream for help! Look at me! I'm sick and I can't tell you how much I need you! Ugh... It's a painful, dangerous cycle...

Recovery work is hard stuff... But it's so empowering! I'm learning to recognize my hunger cues. To feel my emotions. To speak and ask for help. To say what I need without feeling ashamed that I HAVE needs. And the biggie... To look at myself and my life through my own lens, without constantly analyzing everything through my parents... What would THEY think. What would THEY choose. What do THEY want. It's hard to think from my own perspective after living so many years disconnected from myself... It's hard to KNOW what I want. Or what I feel. I'm learning... :)

Sinking further into your ED, giving in to those powerful urges, is not something to look forward to, sweetie. Recovery IS. :) Reclaiming your voice IS. ♥ Why not start now? You know you need help. Why not take a risk and ask for it?

Thinking of you,

Love,

Jen

wow,Jen,I just wanted to say how awesome you are.:P your always really helpful to everyone,that's really fantastic advice.:)
and ughhh..I was really upset when I read your comment Allee,about how your parents treated you. "allee don't throw up your dinner haha" that's sooo cruel,I'm so sorry you had to go through that. :( I've noticed sometimes though that people react with humor when they're scared. Idk if you think this applies to you,but i just wanted to throw it out there-they might not have known how else to express their concern. that doesn't make it okay AT ALL,but I know it helped me understand some of my relatives responses better. or,it could just be pure ignorance. A lot of people without eating disorders have NO idea what we go through-they they think we can just stop,you know? they don't realize this is an illness,and a really dangerous one at that. like we do it for attention or something,I've even had relatives who were mad at me for being sick. it hurts so much to be surrounded by people who just don't get it,but hopefully this site will really help you realize your definitely not alone.:)

Thanks to so many people on this site and especially you Ella, I am feeling less alone. And I am starting to understand what you mean by the humor being my parents way of coping. I am just so used to twisting reality into negativity towards myself. I never felt so alone until after I told them because of their reaction. Not even when I truely was alone on my disorder. Right now though I am in a rough patch, I feel atleast I have people totalk to. It really helps me get emotions out and rant when I otherwise would never be able to do! This site had even given me the courage to confide in a friend( though she doesn't understand the complexity of eating disorders). Maybe this site will even give me the courage to get outside help, to tell my parents, who knows? But right now I'm gonna take one step at a time. Tha kfully my friends reactions was supportive which is positive. I can't say my parents will react at all with the same manner but atleast I am moving in the right direction :) thank you for all the support. Really you all have helped me so much

Thanks for the kindness, Ella. ♥

Allee, I agree that sharing your feelings here will help you reach a place where you can share more with others. It worked that way for me. :) I stumbled upon this site a year ago (wow...) and I was looking for answers... DID I have an eating disorder? Ahhh... It feels funny to me today... I've come soooo far in the last year! ♥ But thanks to this site and the wonderful, supportive people here, I DID get answers. I DID speak and ask for help. And today, I'm in recovery. Amazing! :) It's possible! And so worth it! Keep writing, dear! You're changing your life, whether you can see it or not. ♥

Love,

Jen

allee,I'm so glad you were able to tell your friend! :) I know this site helps so much,but telling someone in your life you really care about and having them respond positively and support you is the most amazing feeling. I told one of my old friends just this past week too,and I couldn't believe how awesome she was about it all,and I feel so much better having told her. I hope this helps give you the courage to speak out even more and get more help. *hugs*

Wow I understand. My parents do the same thing. It seems like they blow things out of proportion when they dont need to. I guess the best thing to do is to move on and live your life because if you know in your head that you are okay then that is all that matters=]

Ditto!

My parents never really went on about how little/how much I used to eat, nor did my friends, but ever since I was in hospital they make comments over everything! it drives me insane....but I guess deep down they are just worried, and don't know how to help, so just keep an eye on my food.

Hope things improve :)

Ruth xx