Suzee's first holiday in freedom... or maybe not

You would think that my first holiday "post-****" would be easy easy easy!! But, I've spent so many years now doing things that him and his family dictated. SO, I find myself having mini panic attacks when I realize I didn't buy certain things that they would be very angry and abusive of me if I didnt have it. SO I have to keep reminding myself that things are up to us now and we have awesome things planned,

First of all, I will have 32 or more for dinner tomorrow!! I invited old friends along with my family. I am so excited because I can fill eggs for an easter hunt.... BUT last night when I woke in pain, I panicked and tried to quickly put all the easter candy away so HE wouldn't see it....and I fell.

It's still there. It's all still there in my mind and my stupid brain doesn't shut it all off like I've begged it too. I decided I needed to say that here because I can tell you that just because you aren't "in" the abuse any longer doesn't mean we can just shut it off. It sounds nice to say, "but you USED to be in abuse, but now you're NOT in it" I understand the statements and i know it's a reasonable response, so I'm not judging anyone, but moreso saying that it's VERY hard to remove those billions of messages, movements, tilt of his head from the back, his smell, his aggressive walk towards me, him hiding around a corner listening to me... it's all still there and it's triggered by many, many mundane, everyday, things that we all accomplish every day. I shut him off with music, and coming here. I realize now that his entire family scared me. What wacko's!! I still think my **** should just marry his evil selfish sister and that way they wouldn't screw up anymore households... .hehehe

I'm sorry for being so weak about the panic. I feel so embarr***ed and am grateful no one saw me freak out last night, sobbing and then falling and hurting my already hurt ankle trying to quickly hide all the "happiness" I had bought. He's such an ***. Such an ***. I don't think he will ever understand what he did and that it was wrong. ALthough when the cops were going to taze him he did yell, I'm sorry I know what I did was wrong", but that was just because he wanted me to call the cops off of him. What he didn't understand was that I was already gone. NO MORE! No more... except every day in my mind.

Easter... 3 Hams, 20 pounds potatoes, 2 each butternut, acorn and spaghetti squash, Large fruit salad, carrots, cauliflower, wild rice, cold tuna salad, gravy, 6 dozen buns... and easter bunny cupcakes... SO excited.

Easter hunt as well as a scavenger hunt that is going to get pretty interesting!! hehehe I've already warned the neighbors! I can't wait to see the little ones on their egg hunt!! :)

I do stay focused most of the time and believe me, I am soooo excited about having Easter. It's alot of fun preparing everything. I'm extra on edge today anyways because Saturdays are "legal hostage of my son" days. One and a half hours to go and he will be home and then all will be right with the world.... unless he's planned another attack but if he does he's going to see that everything he owns that was left in the house is now stacked neatly in the garage... and he will be PISSED when he see's that. THat's ok though, because he can't be here without police and they do a good job keeping us safe. Believe me they keep their hands at their sides when he's near. POC

SO,that's my manic post for today!! LOL How is everyone else today? Sue? AG? April? Dave? Mike? Mark? Sunshine, txsmom? everybody?

Love you all, Suzee

Suze,
We have soooo much in common!! I was married to an abusive a-hole for 26 years. And like you, I panic when I plan things that I think will piss him off. Then I remember "Hey, I can do it. He ain't in my life anymore" Whoopee!! What a relief! So, to me, your panic is normal. You're right; when you are abused for so many years, you know no other way of life.
I hope you have an awesome dinner (32 people, WOW, God bless you!) Let us know how it turns out.
Hugs,
Birdy

Hey Birdy!! I just replied to you on another post!

I'm glad that what I did wasn't too wacko because it really kind of sets me back a bit. Feels like I need to be more patient with "getting over it" because it's evidently really, really powerful still. I take comfort in others, like you, who have experienced these things but you are further along in your journey, so your wisdom helps me just relax and not think of it as a failure that I panicked, but instead, just another step towards the good stuff.

Have you met any of the other "fellow survivors" yet? There are some awesome people here and from your experiences, you are going to fit right in!! I"m sorry for what you've been put through, but I'm glad to meet you! I'm glad you are here and thank you so very much for your reply. It made me not feel so foolish for what happened last night.

Oh and dinner is now at 38! I filled 200 plastic easter eggs! Hehehe I will for sure let you know how it goes! The boys don't know about some surprise guests.... I'm so excited to see the looks on their faces... Guess I must be a pretty good easter bunny after all!!! Well, I guess I'd better hop on down and hide their baskets as they are finally asleep!! hehehe

Here comes peter cottontail... HOPPIN down the bunny trail....

Goodnight dear friends, I send my love to you all and hope you have a good day!

Sending hugs, Suzee

Oh Suzee! I know, you've been so abused that it will take you a long time to stop feeling like you're walking on egg-shells. It's okay! Have you ever watched that old movie with Julia Roberts (it might have been named "Sleeping with the Enemy"...I can't remember for sure right now) but that movie really, really hits home on how long it takes to feel safe after you've been through abuse. You will reach a time when you can finally breath easier, and not have it come over you like it does now, it's just going to take time. Thank God the police are so supportive and know to keep a watch on you, where you live, and if he comes anywhere near the house. Just keep remembering he made his bed, you didn't do anything wrong, he's simply an abusive person and you were right there to be his convenient target. I can't wait for the day to come for you when you are never afraid again. It will happen, it's just a matter of time!

It sounds like you have so many fun things planned for your Easter celebration that nothing can go wrong and you will have a great time! Don't walk on egg-shells tomorrow, you'll be surrounded by all the people who love you and you are safe! What a great spread of food you have put together! You're quite the "hostess with the most-est! Have fun, fun, fun, and keep remembering this is the first one and from here on out every single holiday will be fun filled and not filled with anymore fear! Lots and lots of hugs to you Suzee, especially for just being you! You're one of the brightest lights on here for sure....forever cheering people up and being so supportive! I love that about you, it shows just how strong you are...way stronger than you even see yourself! XOXOXO! Sunshine!

sueez-q....i relate to abuse as well from past relationships but i'm OUCHING over here concerned about your fall....hope your ok for your easter. can't imagine all those people and all that food (i do take leftovers) do enjoy your holiday hun....blessed easter to all