i think it's official- i've gone mad. sigh.

everything in me is off balance. i love what i hate; and i hate what i love.

last night i wore a light sweater around the house...and throughout the day today... i am not cold. i am covering up. i am hiding.

i have no idea what i think i will accomplish by writing here... i guess i just needed a place to *put* it for now...



I'm glad you wrote...please don't delete. I'm sure we all understand. HUGS...Jan ♥

Amy: We are all crazy with you, friend. You are not alone. Write more.... I miss your wonderful posts.

Hey Amy,

I get it and i don't all at the same time. I think i am floating in a similar space to you at the moment. Make sure you keep touching base with reality. With all things real. Both great and small. Nature, smell, touch, taste, sound, sight. Get all your senses working and stirred up.


I am glad you wrote.



thank you, sweeties...
i'm hoping for rain tomorrow. i'm supposed to take the kids to the pool. [wince]
i haven't seen my mom in 2 weeks. she's off traveling again and won't be back until sunday. although i LOVE getting together with her and my fam dam, i was grateful to be ill and to have missed our last gathering.... but i am just postponing the inevitable... if anyone has something to say, it will be her... and no matter WHAT she says, it will hurt me.
censor censor censor
i can't seem to be able to write anything else without deleting it. thank you again, honeys...

I understand the sweater thing...we have been under severe weather warnings because of the heat, with the humidity it's been running about 113 degrees...and most of the days i am in gym pants/scrubs and a hoodie jacket. You aren't insane. I wish you wouldn't feel like you had to hide, you are beautiful. Love you. Kasee


It's really something when our illness and pain and suffering become apparent to others. As much as I used my symptoms to SHOW people that I needed help, I CRINGED AWAY from their attention. They never helped me as *I* wanted them to. Inevitably I was hurt. It's NOT about the attention... It's MUCH more about hiding... It's a horrifying feeling to know that no matter how big one smiles, or laughs with gusto, our bones can betray us... We are vulnerable. We need others. We need love. ♥

I love you, Amy! You are a caged free-spirit. One day you will soar! ♥


sreb, my international sis---
i love what you have written to me. my senses, however, are all out of whack. nothing smells right, tastes right, or feels right. sounds are hurting my ears; and i need my sunglasses all the time. and staying in touch with reality? hmmm. i am ashamed to say that sometimes i am not sure.... i will reach out into the world and embrace trying to awaken my senses.....
thank you sweetie. all my love...xoxo
kasee, my fairy-god-daughter---
honey, it is far too hot for you to be that covered up... oh honey..... what's going on with your mama and with treatment? thinking of you. love you... xoxo
sky-writer, jen---
you are tooooo kind. thank you. i TRULY don't want people to know any of this. this would be easier if it were winter....easier to hide, that is. i've always been able to shift around and change enough to get people to leave me alone...i've been the grand master at hovering just outside that *radar*. but but but... i don't know now. i just don't know.
i love you too honey, xoxo

I'm thinking that this speaks also to how much you 'want' to disappear...the covering up, the shame (unfounded), and simply wanting to hide. At first it works, then it works against you.
I remember layers and sweatpants in the summer heat..while my boys swam......please keep writing....love you!! ♥


Ive been thinking about you!

The feelings you describe sound very familiar. Ive been there too...Times where i wish i could just shut my eyes and vanish! It never really worked though god knows i tried and yes, like Jan says, even if you feel it does work for a while, it turns on you in the end...

Hang in there.

We are all there with you, even if it is just through cyberspace.

Sending Love

andrea and jan, my sweet sisters...

i'm surprised that many of you understand. forgive me, but i don't really see how this can turn on me in the end... covering up is [i'm hoping] a temp fix for this embarrassing weight loss. sadly, this would not be the first summer i've opted for long pants and long sleeves.

i just need for people to stop joking that they will force-feed me. tears. and the WAY in which people look at me? i can't take it. BRING ON THE WINTER!

jan, your *wanting to disappear* theory is interesting. when i was in high school, i silently refered to myself as *the incredible shrinking girl*. i'm so sick of myself, my shapeshifting, my cycles, my shame.

thank you, sweet sisterhood, for coming to my rescue. i'm embarrassed to write here. i'm not sure what to write. i'm ashamed to say i'm not sure what i think and feel. i am ashamed to reach out b/c i feel that i will turn everything down and continue to chase emptiness.

wishing for cooler weather and wondering where the exit sign is..............


I am sorry that you are feeling the need to cover up. Unfortunately, i am in the same boat as you. Worse still, i hide when we have guests, i ignore calls from friends wanting to get together, i ignore any comments about my weight. It is an awful position to be in. Especially at the height of summer. Does not make me want to recover any quicker but it sure does make me hate being in this position. I sure as heck do not want to stay here for too long.

It cuts you off from society. From people. I also hear what you say about not wanting to reach out because you feel you will turn everything down. It's the whole: there is no point me asking because i have no intention of taking up their offer or following through with their advice.

The more i read what you write, the more i keep reading similarities. It's a *****.

But, here comes the big one: tis better to keep reaching tha n to isolate further. No matter what choice you make about people's offers etc, the important thing is that you keep in touch with the world however you can. You have your kids which sounds great but i am sure that you also love some adult company and laughter and whatever else you love. Even if there is just 1 trusted person that you can reconnect with, do it. Give yourself a break. No beating up. At least give it a break for a bit. Send it on holiday for a while and enjoy yourself.

Love and Many Cyberhugs,


AMY! LOL!! :) I'm sorry... I know you didn't mean for this to be at all funny... But as I was dropping weight, before I was obviously ill, I used to respond to others' compliments by saying, "Hey! It's the incredible shrinking butt!" Hahahaha! Yeah... I just didn't know how painful it can be to sit still with a bony ***. ;0) I, too, tried to disappear...

It CAN turn on you, dear friend... It WILL, if it hasn't already... ♥ The trouble with this disease, is one is fooled into thinking that they're in control until they're NOT... One day I woke up and realized that I was OUT of control. Just like that. And then back and forth, round and round, I fluctuated between being able to see that I was "okay" and then knowing that I wasn't... It's an incredible pit in which to be sucked. Bleh--

Love you, sweet friend! ♥


uuugh, not only have i realized that this is not the first summer i've covered up, i've realized that i've also covered up b/c i thought i was too heavy.
too heavy trying to lose a few...
too thin, loving the FEELING...but wishing people didn't notice...
never feeling just right. NEVER.
hmmmmm, i truly hadn't realized that until now.

and yes, sreb, i know and fear the antisocial aspect of all this... i am the queen of avoiding people, calls, events, invitations....

uuugh, i have one more matter to discuss or pose... i'll post it separately...

thank you for tending to me.....