Taboo

Okay, first of all....I'm a female that is engaged. I have known this man for 2 years and been engaged for over 1 year. I need some help and advice. I have googled and read many many articles on why men watch porn in secret. I found out by accident. I am VERY confused and hurt. I know most articles say that it has nothing to do with the wife, girlfriend, etc...but how can that be? He does it in secret while I am in bed asleep! I am not bad looking. I do have men asking me out all the time. I love this man dearly. Anyway, he watches things that have to do with rape, daddy and daughter, incest, etc,....WTH??? What's up with that? It's not that he doesn't get enough sex from me. Hell, I beg for it. I want sex all the time. I enjoy sex with him. But now I don't want to have sex with him because of this. I tried to let it go. I thought we were working it out. He promised to stop. But, he hasn't You see...I found out by accident on my computer. I know a lot about computers. He knows zilch. He thought he'd be smart and use his paystation online when I got wireless. DUH!!! It's a wireless network. I have access to that too no matter what passcode you set on your playstation! Yes men, I do check from time to time because what he wartches is degrading me. Is it not? Please help me understand! I'm a loss. I'm not downing any man out there. I need to understand form real men who have this real problem and real women who are going through this! I feel sooo **** alone and unwanted.

Yes that IS demeaning & degrading, I sense from what you describe there may be something in his past that is driving this. Would be wise for him to seek counseling if affordable for this really has nothing to do w/you & I for one have not yet heard from other men as to the reasons & answers your seeking but have found it usually lies in their past history, the way one is raised, genetic links if applicable, traumatic experiences etc. Please try to not wear yourself out trying to find out what hes doing or let it play on any insecurities that may come to focus as your resentment of what hes doing is warrantied & justified & is better you know these things now instead of later on after marriage. Keep talking to us here we care & we're listening.

Take care of you.

April

p.s. be careful, something is really wrong.

Yes, there is something wrong. I am recovering from this addiction and have had good success thus far. I’m married and my wife truly understands what I’ve gone through. I made a conscious decision to get help because I knew it was a problem for me. Gathering information about what your husband is going through is good, but you need tangible information that you can apply to your own understanding by seeking out a support group for women who are in the same struggle as you. My wife did the same thing and is now a facilitator for a group of women that feel the same way as you. This isn’t your fault. This has a lot to do some hurts and wounds he’s sustained from his childhood and upbringing so stop blaming yourself. An addict will always blame everyone else for his issues but himself. There are dozens of women’s support groups out there that are willing to help. But you have to begin to seek them out by attending a few and see what their purpose is and look carefully at their success rate. Not every group is for every woman. My wife facilitates a group as I mentioned earlier and the women are receiving excellent wisdom and counseling through the materials she’s covering. The ladies are gaining understanding and instruction on the problem; how this addiction has entered the marriage; what can they can do about it; as well as understanding how he got to this point in his life. If you need some information regarding her group please email me.

ECBaby thanks for stepping up, all of us here admire you for that.

Take care of you.

April

Thanks for the advie and comments. Its just so hard. It's such a hard blow to my self esteem. I just completely don't understand. I take it very personally because of my childhood experiences. I am trying to take care of me. I feel like the fact that I am stepping up and letting him know that is a problem for me is helping me. I can't continue like this. If he loves me, won't he stop or at least get help, or at least talk with me about it open and honestly? And yes, he was molested when he was young. But so were many, many, many people. I was too. But I didn't and don't look at porn. I don't do drugs....never have...which he has. I understand it affects people differently. But I think I also understand that love isn't built on lies and deceit. Love cannot grow and flourish with lies, secrets and deceit either. So, am I just fighting a losing battle? I know.....Everyone will say, "Only you can know if your battle is lost." Well, I'm just heart broken.

Dumbfounded, I've been married 19yrs. he has many disorders w/alcohol dependency that he would no longer manage as of '05 & yes I too was molested as a child so I understand where your thoughts & feelings are coming from & where your greatest fears would be heading in regards to a relationship w/this man & your very correct that he should decide to seek some type of help if he wants to stay in this relationship together. This has opened up fresh wounds for you & for that I'm truly sorry but again it is something he has to want to do on his own & yes it does hurt when one does not consider somone elses life/feelings & all the other awful question marks it brings w/what hes creating. Talk when you feel like it honey we do understand cause we've been there & somedays are still licking our wounds.

Take care of you.

April

I think it's time I have an open, honest talk with him and tell him I just can't deal with the secrets and dishonesty. You see, there's something I haven't I haven't told ya'll....He was addicted to meth really bad 8 years before I met him. I didn't know when I met him. Anyway, he moved off to get off it. He did get off the meth for 8 years. However, when he met me, he moved back to his home town (that's where he met me) to be with me. He was honest about his addiction before he moved here. He told me about it. But, he said he was through and would never use again. Well, he has. Again, I was very ignorant to drugs and the signs of using drugs, as I have never used or been around them (that I know of). I noticed the porn got worse when he was high. But he does when he's not high too. He also hides it when he does meth because he knows I don't approve. He keeps telling me he is through. I am battling a sex addiction and meth addiction with him. Anyway, I've learned a great deal this past year about drugs and signs and affects of using. Now let me tell you this part...I was married to a man for 22 years and got divorced. I met this man, J, after my divorce. He treated like a princess. My marriage for 22 years was just horrible. He was very abusive mentally - emotionally - later got a bit physical. I only stayed because of how I was raised. My grandad was a preacher if that tells you anything. But I finally got out! I found J. He was the man I always dreamed of....so I thought. So now.....I'm hurt. My heart is torn. I love him so and want to help him. I do believe he loves me deep down. And I will help as long as he will be open and honest. I cannot stand secrets and things being kept from me. I don't like dishonesty. Am I wrong in that? It seems like I'm licking my wounds much too often these days. I've always prided myself on being a strong person. But now, I'm falling apart. I lost my closest friend, my sister, to brest cancer. My oldest son got caught up in drugs due to a car wreck and breaking his neck in 7 places. My youngest is having all kinds of problems due to the divorce and his dad filling his head full of lies. And now, I'm dealing with meth and sex addiction with the man I love. WTH?? So what are ya'll thinking now?? This ***** needs help!!! Right?? I'm still in my right mind. I'm still keeping it together. Hell, I have to. I have kids that need me! I'm living with this man, J, and his son has moved in and I even take care of him! I know this is long. Hope you don't get bored reading it.

Thanks so much to all of you. I really depend on this place to help me. Just reading your responses helps a great deal. At least I know I'm not alone.

;D
DeeDee

Again your not alone, alot of us here have similar experiences & yes have meet others in life that are not the best choices due to the fact we did not stop/learn about ourselves from within/heed the RED FLAGS marking the whole way & focus on ourselves before starting a new relationship again. Its all a process & your just beginning to be aware of the mishaps & are starting to focus on the WTH's. NOW would be wise to let this man take responsibility for himself & let him start taking the necessary steps to clean himself up & without YOU turning into a parent for him that will eventually open up a whole other can of worms later on to deal with, then you my friend can focus on the other priorities such as your kids that need your immediate attention.

Pieces of my story are all over this site for the past year & still continue to this day in a lesser degree now cause I chose to hold him accountable for his actions & the ramifications that come w/it instead of enable/co-dependent him so I could focus on getting my last youngest child (now 18) through college & moving on in his life while I focus on a plan the past 2yrs. of alternative options for myself so again I know where your coming from & your gonna be ok once you clear out some of the weeds :-)

But I don't know how to clear out the weeds. All I know to do is confront him and tell how I feel, that I'm willing to help only if he seeks help and is open and honest. Is that enough? I'm not sure what and where the "weeds" are. I'm so new to all this. My oldest child is 24. My youngest is almost 17. I only have 2 boys. But yes, they are my main focus and always will be. It is my nature to want to help people. How did you hold your husband accountable? What do I do to hold him accountable? The things I have read say "they" (addicts) need love and understanding, that I shouldn't treat him like a child that doesn't know what he's doing. But meth takes you over. I do think he knows he's about to lose me, but again....the meth addiction is so powerful I don't know if he can't overcome it. He seems to think he can do it on his own. But I don't think so. I think it's just a line of BS he feeds me. Anyway, I'd love to know how you held your hubby accountable.

Thanks again
;D

Dumbfounded; If I may I'd like to recommend a book. It is heavy on the Christian faith, written for the wives of sexual sinning husbands. There are a few excellent chapters on the "wiring" of the male brain and how different circumstances from our past have enabled our brains to get "what we need" from porn. We can separate porn from our wives, we want both but it seems we are choosing porn over our real women. It doesn't make it right, but it has helped me to understand and now it helps me to battle my addiction each day with a new perspective. The book is "Every Heart Restored" written by Fred and Brenda Stoeker, published by Waterbook in the every man series. I hope you will at least look through it and maybe convince your man to read it.

Thank you. I will go ut and buy it tomorrow if the book store has it. If not, I will order it. I need all the help I can get.

Hi dumbfounded,
I'm sorry for your hurt and I understand you need your feelings validated. But although your fiance may have a problem I don't think it has anything to do with you. You are definitely enough for anyone. As far as porn goes I'm not convinced of the wrongness of it. The problem comes when the watcher is using it as an escape or becomes too dependent on it. Don't be threatened by pornography. It's usually not the women themselves that is the attraction but the act of watching others engage in the act. But that's neither here nor there. I just encourage good communication and open mindedness between you and your fiance. Good luck!

That's one the issues. He does it in secret. I wouldnt mind if It wasn't something he feels he needs to keep so secret from me. I mean I use to watch it with him. But then he decided no more porn in the house. Okay...right. So, he starts doing it behind my back. But thank you. I'm really trying to understand.

Yeah that is definitely not good for your relationship and I can see how you would feel betrayed. Hmm… I’m guessing he is ashamed because he thinks it’s wrong and is too weak to stop. I know I’ve looked up porn when my spouse wasn’t around and for some reason didn’t want him to know even though he has no problem with it. It’s weird. I wasn’t not satisfied with him sexually so I’m not sure what it is.

I don't know if you ever you saw this part....but I have found out that my fiance is also on meth. I am very distraught...confused...lonely. I don't want to lose him or leave. But I don't think he's ready to quit either even though he has said he is going to change both...for me to just be patient. He JUST told me yesterday he was going to quit the meth. However, I found it in his billfold tonight. AND I foind a text where he asked an old friend when he was coming in so they could "get wird and talk about old times." Isn't that what wired means? Wow...I don't know what to do. I love him so much. I totally gave my heart. That was a big bad on my part. Now I will suffer for a very long time.

I meant get wired

Oh dumbfounded I'm so sorry! Meth is such a destructive and dangerous drug too! I know you are eaten up with worry. God, the self preservationist in me wants to tell you to protect yourself and your heart and get out now, but I know it's not that easy, and may not be the best thing for either of you at this point. And I think you are right about the 'get weird' thing, unless he means drinking or smoking weed. Once again I'm sorry for what you are going through and I'll be thinking of you and trying to learn what others have done in your situation.

Dumbfounded if he wants to get clean then he will have to start by staying away from all the people associated with obtaining drugs & BLOCK/DELETE all numbers attached to it even if they are so called friends, only then can he start to clear his system out over a few weeks & then begin to start on the next step of looking within himself as to WHY hes medicating himself to begin with, thats what I mean by clearing out the weeds, its a step by step process & if/when he relapses DONT be available emotionally/physically & let him think it through thats holding HIM accountable for his actions & BAD choices hes making.

When my husband decided to go get drunk AGAIN & made the BAD decision to get on a motorcycle & drive into a ditch & BREAK his leg I stayed out of it as much as possible knowing he will do it again, I dont answer phones, talk to anyone about it anymore cause he keeps creating these types of situations & yes I was very supportive for years when I shouldnt of been supportive & had to learn to STOP & STAY out it & let him hop around on crutches for 3 mos & yes he went & did it again, my sons wont have anything to do w/him either cause they knew that there was nothing any of us could do anylonger & that it was up to him even though he still wont get help anylonger. All the right conditions for the wrong OUTCOME.......

He won't block them. He doesn't want to quit at this point. I have come to realize and accept this. I have found meth (at least 1/2 gram) in his billfold EVERY night this week. Tonight, he must have taken (eaten) the very last of it at home because otherwise the empty little button size baggie wouldn't still be in his billfold. You see, I know he wouldn't dispose of the baggie at home where he thought for one second I might find it. He also had $50.00 folded up in his billfold ready to buy more tomorrow. Yet, he had to bum cigs from me!! He can't buy his own cigs, but will buy his meth!! Sometimes I think about staying around just to fucking watch him fall so fucking hard!!! I'm so **** pissed and hurt at him! He thinks I think he is trying to quit. I KNOW better. However, I do love him. Confusing huh? I know. But I also bet you all understand my feelings. The bad thing is that he KNEW what would happen. He's was on meth before. I just hope and pray God gives me the strength I need to get through this. In a way, I hope my heart grows cold towards him so that it won't hurt so badly when I go. Is that wrong of me?

Disregard the smiley......today I'm frowning ;(

Good thing your at the anger/resentment stage utilize it FOR YOURSELF & keep in mind your NOT rejecting the PERSON, your REJECTING the disease & the behavior & consequences hes creating that go with it & he'll be forced to do something for himself about it cause he wont have your support emotionally/physically to pick up the pieces for him or bail him out, of course he may call a so called friend & try to use it against you so stay strong & LET HIM cause this has nothing to do w/you & yes your heart at a point will grow cold & distant.

Take care of you.

April