I knew life back at home would be stressful enough- that's just how I am with my parents. But it's gotten worse. My dad, who was laid off in December, got a new job. He hated it. He took it out on the family and since he has depression it made home worse. He quit thinking he'd get a job again soon but everyone is turning him down. He is grumpy, yelling, laying jn bed all day and it makes me feel like ****. I just want to cry.
Today my brother did something wrong again. Dad came home from his temporary waiter job and came home screaming and yelling, stomping around. He was yelling at Jake who can't seem to get it in his head to stop doing stupid things! And may dad said "you make my life worse than it already is and my life sucks!" I feel like nothing to him. Not when he is depressed. I mean nothing. I am tired of the negativity around my house. How will I recover in this environment?
Hey Allee,
It sounds like you are under a lot of stress in the house. Is there anyway you could move out or failing this I wonder who are you closest too? Your mum? Maybe one of your siblings? i would talk to them, it would be nice to them to also have a comfort and support during this time, as i am sure there is a lot of pressure on everyone in the house when you're father is like this.
Talk to them about how they are feeling when your dad speaks this way. It may help you open up again with them about your ED. Does this seem like an option for you?
And just keep your eye on your target...being well.
I know from my own ecperience who difficult it is to cope in a negative environment and with your own ED. I used to turn on myself too and it wasnt good. Its difficult to live in a house where everyone had their own problems especially when those people are your family and you care and love them. Its hard to draw a line and not adopt their feelings and all the negativaty. I used to try and get away for a while. Just get out of the house and walk to clear my head and try and rid myself of those feelings.
It didnt always work because i was always so alone, but it was something...Truth is when i moved out and moved in with my husband things got better because the environment was much better and not so filled with stress and agitation all the time and i was more able to distance myself from some things...
Is there anyone you can talk to when things get difficult at home? A close friend or someone? Could you maybe treat yourself with staying over at a friends house for a few days just to calm yourself down and regain some strength...Also writting it may help, like you've done know...you turned here and let it out here, that is also something that maybe helpful.
Bottom line however is that you need to look out for yourself first, So at some point we need to draw lines/boundaries and distance ourselves from things and that is not a selfish thing to do at all, it really is ok. That is something i worked on and am still working on alot with my therapist.
No matter what's going on around you and no matter how much we care for those around us, taking on their suffering as our own and allowing it to spin us out of control does not help anyone. In order to be able to be their for those we love when it really matters we also need to be ok ourselves.
No I am not close to my family and my brother is younger and I don't want him involved. I don't want to talk to my parents cause it will only make things worse. I'm trying to bot be in the house as much as possible. Not move out but go to my boyfriends or to my friends house just to get away from it all. I need to get away from it all.
Today really set me back. I feel like I want to let ED take over. Just stop the battle- who cares? Apparently no one. I don't anymore. I feel so horrible all the time and fat. I'll starve and feel great and then I binge all the time now, and not always purge, but it's disgusting and revolting and I am so fat. I'll visit my boyfriend at night to get away after a day f restricting. I'll see the look of concern in his eyes and I'll eat one thing and then another and another until I'm so full I want to puke! It's gross. I want to just starve and be skinny and stop stuffing my face with fat. I want to cry my eyes out and tell my boyfriend everything! He will be so disappointed. I want it all to end! But I want to continue hiding. I want to starve all day and exercise for hours tomorrow so I will be worthy of living again. I don't deserve it now. I stuffed my face and ugh! I am so full and I didn't even purge. But I want to have breakfast tomorrow and maybe some lunch and eat dinner with my family normally- not stuffing my face from not eating all day. But I can't do that! I can't wrap my head around having a bowl of oatmeal in the morning, the whole thing, and to follow with a whole lunch after that!?!? And yet I ate a million things tonight? What is wrong with me? How do I stop binging? How do i stop it all. I don't want to fight and yet I want to fight so hard that it will leave me alone. Why can't my mind just decide one, just pick one of them?
I wonder if you know what purpose your ED is serving for you? You say you feel like letting Ed take over because no one cares... You sound like you are feeling unworthy... You also sound disappointed at your struggles to starve yourself...
I am really concerned about you, dear... I don't know what your life is like, or relationship with your parents... Only you can really know that... I remember with MY experience... I often felt like I was counting down days... For YEARS... I was counting down the days until I could be out and on my own. For me, living as a teenager wasn't really about living, it was about surviving. I just had to "make it" or "last" UNTIL... Once I moved out on my own, THEN I could live... So... A lot of my ED, at that time in the form of bingeing, was about numbing out. Avoiding pain. Trying NOT to feel. Because that was the only way I felt I could survive my situation... The trouble is, although I DID survive, and eventually DID move out on my own, I seemed to know no other way to LIVE... I continued to count down days. To numb out. To feel unable and unworthy of really living. That THING that other people seemed to just intuitively KNOW; how to LIVE; was lacking in me... How could I not KNOW? How could I be so AFRAID of trying and finding out? I went from bingeing to starving. Always trying to control what felt so BEYOND me...
This I know... An eating disorder will not make ANYthing easier... You are worthy of living NOW. ♥ Survival is unquestioningly important! If that's all you can do, then do that! But don't forget the importance of LIVING. And how worthy you are of doing just that! For whatever reason, your parents have been unable to teach you this. But it's okay to ask others for help as you try to learn! :) In fact, that's the brave, mature, responsible, SELF-CARING thing to do. ♥
You are right Jen- an eating disorder only makes things worse. And today I'm seeig that for he first time in a while. I just had a bad day yesterday, but today is definitly better.
Yeah I did exercise today, but I also started my day with breakfast and was okay with it. My boyfriend came over for a visit and I even enjoyed some French fries. And it's okay. I just told my ED to shut up! :) and I think I realized something else today. In think when I decide
to eat at night, it's a voice of reason. Eat to be healthy- to live. Yeah, I don't know my body yet so I don't know when to stop and it feels like bingeing but i think it's just me. I think if I truely wanted to starve myself I would- I was there at one point. But subconciously I don't! And I think a small part of myself knows that. I want to live. I also am aware ED tries to take over after I've eaten by making me purge, but last night I didn't. It's a small step but for me it's significant. I want to to beat this, even if it's a little part of me, it will grow. And if I want to beat this I believe I can and will. Just got to take the small steps to get there...
Hey Allee,
I just want to say way to go YOU. You seem so optimistic, it's so wonderful to hear. I know you are absolutely determined and you can do this and you can...
I am so happy for you and wishing you all the best every single day...on every step along the way.
That's wonderful to hear! ♥ We all have bad days. You made a good choice by coming here to write about it. :) Writing helps a LOT. :)
I am still learning to recognize my own hunger signals... Here is something my nutritionist has me doing, and it's really helping... As I record my meals in my food journal, I also rate my hunger before and after each meal, on a scale of 0-10. 0 = an empty belly. 10 = completely stuffed. These signals are still not second nature to me; I have to really concentrate and consider. But when I do, I find that most of the time I eat at around a 3 or 4, and am satisfied at a 7 or 8. It's different for everyone. :) You might think about rating your own hunger. You might notice some patterns that will help guide you in the future. ♥
Hey Jen,
Therapy went well. I have some "mental homework" to do it's mostly just facing feelings straight up or trying to anyway, I've been eating them down for so long i foresee quite a few more tears in the next week. I hope i am able to do it.
But that is so good of you to remember. i just think here, so many people are dealing with so many issues it's so hard to keep track, and you yourself are dealing with things too...really is a good feeling to think people remember you.
So glad it went well! My therapist thinks I'm hilarious because I LOVE getting homework! Hahaha! She says it's the teacher in me, but really? I just like knowing what's expected of me. ;0)
The tears... Mine were slow to start because I numbed them out for so many years, too. But then... WHAM!! They hit hard! Hold on!! You may have to ride some emotional waves, but it WILL ease... It will NOT crush you. ♥
Yes, there are lots of people. I know those that have been around a while quite well. Still struggling to remember the details of the newer folks, so please forgive me if I DO forget. ;0) Glad to get to know you! ♥
MG and Jen...yes, it is hard to remember what everyone's situation is, but asking over and over is not a crime! We care, and that is what is important! It's good practice to keep asking!! HUGS..Jan ♥